pointless and random stuff

My Name Means...

2008-03-07T15:49:00.002-06:00

ok so i stole it from Candace. but it was interesting.

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.
You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.
People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

hmmm....go figure.

Valentine's Day

2008-02-17T20:22:00.002-06:00

well i know it's a few days later but i've told this story quite a few times arleady so i figured i would just put it up here and then you can ooh and aah all you want without making me tell it over and over again!
so all keith had told me was that he had some plan and i was supposed to come to his house at 5pm and then i would find out what we were doing. so i showed up at his house, and find that he has made supper for us. he kicked his family out of his house and set up a little table with roses (one each of red, white, and pink) and some little candles. he made so much food...soup and porkchops and potatoes and corn and then cheesecake with cherries for dessert! he made my favorites...he had very sneakily been keeping track of some of my favorite foods and then put them all together. and while we were eating he had a cd playing, coincidentaly the same cd that he had given me when he first asked me out about eight months ago! he had actually had to get my sister to find the cd and reburn it for him because he didn't have it, obviously, because i did.
and then after supper he told me that we were going to decorate a cake for michael (it was his birthday, and i actually knew this part of the plan, he had told me before) and so he's like oh we need to go get some candy hearts to decorate it with, they're in my room. and so we walk into his room and i'm thinking well this is a little odd, why did i have to come, obviously something is up...and surprise surprise, on his bed is a big white teddy bear and a box of chocolate (dark, of course, it is my favorite)! so that was exciting. he also surprised me with tickets to see the movie definately, maybe which is a new release that had just come out on valentine's. so we decorated michael's heart-shapped, pink iced cake and then went to the movie which was really good and i enjoyed it. then we booked it to michael's house to say happy birthday and deliver the cake, and then i quickly went home because it was getting late and it was a school night.
you know in general i think valentine's is kinda overrated, and i don't think it should just be one special day out of the year, but the whole year should be like that. but i have to admit, i loved valentine's this year (i'd never really fully experienced it before, apparently). i know i got spoiled, but i can't lie--i loved every minute of it.

Stressed

2008-02-08T10:20:00.001-06:00

there is so much going on in my brain right now that i don't even know what to think and i'm so stressed it's unbelievable! me, the one who is never stressed...is very stressed! people keep asking me what is wrong because i'm so quiet and haven't talked much at all this week, and all i can say is that i am stressed and that there is a lot going through my mind.
take, for example, course selection. we're choosing classes for next year, and it's really hard. especially because i have no idea what i want to do with my life! and when i say that, i mean that i have no idea what i want to do after high school, what i want to take in university, what i want to become. HELP!
so i'm taking a generalized year next year (i think, i haven't handed in my form...) with AP english classes, my C30 math, history, all my sciences, band, and psychology. my mom wants me to take the AP calculus class too, but i don't think i can. i hate math, i don't enjoy it, i don't understand it, i don't think i would do well in that class. i don't want the added pressure of that class. i know it would be difficult, and i don't want to do it. she would rather me drop band and take the AP calculus course. but i would rather stay in band. even though a lot of my friends are dropping it, i really enjoy band. i do. and it's the only stress-reliever class that i have, all the other classes will be hard, hard work. so i don't know what to do.
i'm also thinking about driving. again. i need to get my drivers, i know i do. i need to get it simply to get people off my back. i understand now why people didn't like it when i asked them about it, because now that it's happening to me i hate it. it just makes me want to leave it alone and forget it. but i can't leave it alone because people keep saying it to me, and it only makes me angry and i don't want to be angry because i know they're just trying to push me in the right direction. and i need to get it over and done with so that i can have a cell phone...
and then there's egypt and ottawa, and trying to pay for those, with the little money that i have, which means i need to get a job, which means i actually need to get on that...which means i will be even more busy and adding another thing to my life. i want to work, i need the money, but i can't bring myself to actually come out and do it. what is wrong with me?
and then there is yc, which if i go i will have to pay for but it is worth it to spend the money, i just have to convince my parents to let me go.
and paying for a dress, because i'm keith's escort for grad, and i need a dress for that, which is another thing to pay for on my list...
i realize that i'm probably stressing this way too much. but i just can't help it. it's all on my mind and won't leave me alone!

Ta-Da!

2008-01-23T17:07:00.001-06:00

it's finally here! a new post from katelynn! and it only took a bazillion days...
well what can i say since i posted last. not a lot. my life hasn't really changed a whole bunch. but i suppose i could tell you about a few highlights to my life, and finals, and this weekend...
ok so maybe i have more to say than i thought i did.

well let's start with basketball and my interesting story. ok well you see this one day, we went to bethlehem school to play basketball against them. and i was on the floor, and guarding this girl, and she gets the ball and starts racing down the court for a fast-break layup, right? wrong. well right i guess because this is what she did, she's running down the court. but i'm with her, step for step. the annoying thing is that i can't seem to get ahead of her, but hey, i caught up, so that counts for something! anyways, she goes up to do her layup--step step jump. well i'm right with her, jump at the same time as her...and what do i do? bodycheck her into the wall, of course!
didn't see that one coming, did you?
yeah she went flying into the mats they have on the wall. poor girl...i felt bad. but she wasn't hurt. and i didn't really mean to do that. but i did by accident. took a foul for it, but it was worth it.

and last week i went to the michael buble concert. it was really, really good. caitlin and i had a lot of fun singing all the songs and making fun of him and his dance moves, and laughing at his (at times) vulgar jokes. ahh, what a good night.

finals have been easy. no joke. my last one is tomorrow, math. and it will be my hardest. all the other ones have been super easy, some of them a joke, really.

ok and now on to this weekend. well i am going to the retreat, which i am super excited for, it's going to be spectacular. i was supposed to be going to the select band thing on the weekend, but i asked my parents and they said i could go to the retreat instead. and i e-mailed my band teacher just to let her know i wouldn't be there, and she sent me an e-mail back and from the sounds of it, she isn't too happy! she's angry that me and some other people who are now not going took the spots of people of people who were turned away. and in some ways she made me feel guilty, because i was supposed to go and i backed out. but i didn't want to go in the first place, i've been trying to get out of this ever since i found out i was in it. and i really want to be at that retreat...so i'm probably going to have my head chewed off on tuesday. but that's ok. the retreat will be worth it.

Blah

2007-12-29T17:00:00.001-06:00

christmas for another year has come and gone, and i don't really care. this year i didn't even feel that excited for christmas, and to me, when christmas finally came, it just didn't feel like christmas. and i'm not sure why. i've heard that as you get older christmas just loses it's excitement and splendor, and it's just a holiday from school. maybe so. but usually i am excited for christmas, excited for the presents, the family time, the traditions. but this year i just wasn't into it. i was meh. it's strange, i've never felt that way about christmas before. but i didn't enjoy christmas the same way i that i usually do. don't get me wrong, i enjoyed christmas. i had a good time with my family and keith, and keith's family.

in some ways i hate the holidays. i just feel so tired all the time! it's probably because i'm not out and doing things, but it's still so strange. you would think that because i'm not doing much i would have more energy, energy that is all stored up. but no, that's not how it seems to be. i'm good for a few hours, and then i just randomly crash. it's so strange. hopefully the alnighter tomorrow will help! i'm so excited for it. it will be a grand time. and then new years, which apparently i am spending with keith and his family friends!? sure alright sounds good to me, let's hope katelynn doesn't make a fool of herself. ooh ooh i got a new cd today! the sherwood cd....sweet. i'm going to go listen to it now.

EH Formal

2007-12-15T16:58:00.001-06:00

well last night keith and i went to the formal and evan hardy, and actually it was pretty fun! the supper part was good and we had a lot of pictures taken, especially by this teacher who takes pictures for the yearbook. so i'm pretty sure that i'll be in the evan hardy yearbook. probably a couple times. and the food was decent, and the dance was fun and they actually played good music! and it was even that dirty. honestly, evan hardy dancers are cleaner than centennial dances, from what i saw. but whatever. so yeah it was a lot of fun and i don't really know what else to say. keith looked good, i looked good, i got a rose....life is wonderful! so here, you can all look at a lovely picture now...

The Random Writings from Biology

2007-12-10T19:12:00.001-06:00

i'm not a genius
but i'm not stupid.
i'm not drop dead gorgeous
but i'm not butt ugly.
i'm not a jock
but i'm not a lazy bum.
i'm not the life of the party
but i'm not a social outcast.
i'm average.

but why me? why am i the lucky one? i wish that they were lucky too. i want them to have what i have. and yet i will not give up what i have. there is no way i could let go. but why me? what did i ever do to deserve him?

...and i want life to be fair...

in a beautiful green world,
where nature is king,
there is a castle that reigns in beauty and splendor.

inside lives a princess, whom everyone loves.
all day and all night she does as she please.
she goes for tea with her friends,
they laugh and they tease.
they trust and they tell,
sisters forever.

and she has a boy,
who has stolen her heart.
who makes her sing,
calms her fears.
who makes her laugh,
and dries her tears.
he still has the ability to give her butterflies with simply

a look or a
touch.

they all know her so well,
in their own special way.
this princess who dances,
safe and carefree.
and she goes through life with
ease that is envied.
naive and blind to the
real world
around her.

and she wishes
on rainbows
and stars and so much more.
she crosses her fingers to keep her luck strong.
but try as she might
to keep reality at bay,
she knows her fairytale can't always stay.
but when will the pixie dust fall and the palace burn?
when will the girls and the special boy go?
she doesn't know when it will all fall apart.
so until then she will live in her fairytale world.
and maybe if she wishes, ans wishes some more...
her fairytale world will never go away.

and i wish that it would never have to end...

My Favorite Fears

2007-12-07T22:27:00.001-06:00

to the tune of "My Favorite Things" in The Sound of Music:

death to those close to me
natural disasters
fires at midnight and
burglas who prowl
people in cars who drive by with black guns
these are a few of my favorite fears

diving boards, drowning
skiing and biking
sitting alone and
waiting for others
ordering at resturaunts while they stare and smirk
these are a few of my favorite fears

shedding my mask, show
what i really feel
giving my heart out
and choosing to trust
hoping those close to me won't run away
these are a few of my favorite fears

when the dog bites
when the bee stings
these also make me scream
to counter these fears i hold
tight to my Father and then I don't feel
so scared

Run from the Unmasked

2007-12-01T18:42:00.001-06:00

there are times when i think
that wearing my mask is beneficial.
to myself, and to those around me.
because, really,
who wants to see all of me?
who wants to see every
change
in mood?
who wants to see
every thought
flash through my eyes?
but contrary to this,
i have heard that it is bad
to wear a mask.
that it is horribly hard on
yourself
to keep everything
bottled inside.
and i hear the people tell me
to let it out.
to take the cap off the bottle,
and to stop hiding what i really
think and feel.
but they are the ones
who do not want to hear.
who do now want to see the
strong one
fall apart.
and when she does,
she is left all
alone.
to be with these thoughts and feelings
that she finally let out
because people said they would be there.
and when she finally opens up
she discovers that she cannot trust,
because they all
run.

Worrying

2007-11-29T19:07:00.000-06:00

ok there is just stuff bugging me right now that i need to get out, because this is driving me nuts and i have no one to talk to right now.

well i suppose my question is: is it wrong to be the designated driver for friends? is it bad to go to parties, purposefully not drinking, but going just for the purpose of being the DD?

someone very close to me is doing this again this weekend, and i have to be honest--i don't like it. it happened last year, and i worried so much. and i know that on saturday night, i will be up late into the night wondering what is going on and praying until i can't pray anymore that they are all safe and nothing goes wrong. they're taking the precautions, it was right of them to choose the DD, but why put yourself in the situation, whether you are the partier or the DD...i don't like it. it makes me nervous. and i worry for the DD. not that they'll drink. not that people will try to get on them. not that they'll do something stupid. i don't know why i worry. but i do.

call me crazy, say it's irrational, tell me there's no need to worry...i don't care what you say. i worry, and i don't know how to stop.

Waiting for Mason...

2007-11-26T22:15:00.001-06:00

and while i wait, i will take the short and limited time that i have to blog. because otherwise, you might never hear from me ever again. well, at least not this week. i'm so busy! it's insane! ok let's talk about all the things katelynn has to do.

1. well of course there is school, which takes up half my waking hours...plus homework. which generally, i guess i can't complain, because i don't get that much. but still. so we'll average...9 hours or so of school. maybe 8.
2. basketball. which takes up about 2 hours of my every day. plus this thursday/friday we are in the mount royal tipoff classic, a senior tournament. cross your fingers we don't completely die.
3. extracurricular. this would include violin, AWANA, youth...a couple hours almost every day. well, tuesdays, wednesdays, fridays. but that's still quite a bit of time.
4. any social life that i can possibly fit in. which, right now, isn't a lot. it really isn't. not gonna lie, it is suffering.

oh who am i kidding, ALL areas of my life are suffering right now! school? well, some of it ain't so great. (don't ask about my last math test...although the bio test was good!) basketball? it's alright, although tomorrow is my first game and i'm ...a lot nervous! extracurricular? well, violin is definately on the losing end of things, don't have a good feeling about tomorrow's lesson. AWANA is fine, although i can't be there next week what a shame. youth? well, i wasn't there last week, probably won't be there this week, and then i will miss two MORE weeks, which means i'll be back just in time for the christmas banquet. joy oh joy. you're all going to hate me now. and my social life? well good thing i see a big chunk of friends at school, otherwise a) i would be a hermit and a social outcast and b) all my friends would hate me. as it is only about half of you probably complain that you haven't seen me. well book now, if you want a spot!

Home Sick

2007-11-23T12:13:00.001-06:00

i don't mean i'm sick for my home, i mean i am at home, being sick.

yuck.

i hate being sick. but that's how i woke up this morning. i just have this awful tummy ache! so i took the day off from school. which is really odd, because i NEVER stay home sick. never never never. and it wasn't really my idea. i mean i thought of staying home, but i was like no, i need to go to school...and plus if i wanted to go out tonight i should probably be able to go out during the day! but then my mom suggested i just take the day off and stay home, and that's what i ended up doing because i just feel horrible. just yucky all around. it's so gross, actually. but i won't go into all the details, i don't want to gross anyone out.

the one perk to being home all day is that there is a what not to wear marathon on ALL DAY LONG! so while i am sick i can sit and watch what not to wear. wonderful!

anyways, back to the couch.

Ode to Fish & Chips

2007-11-15T19:03:00.001-06:00

oh fish and chips
how i long for you
i tasted you once and never again will i eat
fish or chips
the same way.
i savour your taste
fried in grease it may be
but to my taste buds
it is heaven.
oh fish, i dip you in your best friend
who goes by the name
tartar sauce.
the taste of the two of you
together
is like a beautiful dance
or a song in perfect harmony.
and chips, you too
have a dance partner,
who dresses in red and goes by the name
ketchup.
oh fish and chips,
how i long for you.
and i wait for the day,
when we three shall meet again.
fish with the partner of tartar sauce,
chips with the partner of ketchup,
and me with the partner of money.
oh i wait for the day
when the three pairs
will meet again
and begin, once again,
to dance.

Out in the Open

2007-11-15T13:23:00.001-06:00

thought i should get this out in the open, just for anyone who doesn't know. and also because i know the people reading this blog will pray for me, and i really need that prayer over the next few days.
ok. i told mike that i wanted to be baptized this sunday. sooo....yeah. i'm scared.

It's a little early!

2007-11-12T08:41:00.001-06:00

but i did promise caitlin i would help her with filming her speech, and it's not my fault she chose 9am...but it is my fault that i only got about seven hour sof sleep. oh well. i'm young, i'll bounce back. right?

but i'm actually looking forward to today. helping caitlin out for a bit, then chilling with keith and getting fish and chips for lunch--

pause here.

I LOVE FISH AND CHIPS!!!!

i think once i've eaten my fish and chips i will have a special blog post all about them.

now back to my day.

--and then i'm just chilling with keith i think...maybe going to carrie's birthday party to help steph out, but keith wasn't too keen on my leaving him for the afternoon. so we'll see.

on another note, my back is so tense! even i can feel it, and usually i can't feel it. but my muscles are sore, and they hurt. anyone want to give me a massage???

but i better go sit by the door, caitlin will be here soon.

It's way too late to still be up...

2007-11-12T01:25:00.000-06:00

once again, i am sititng here, doing nothing.
but for once i actually want to be posting, i want to be updating this blog, i want it to have life.

but once again, i'm not quite sure what to say.

it is late, and yet i don't want to sleep. i do because i have to get up in a few hours...but on the other hand i want to talk, i want to discuss, i want to question. it is that time of night when i mull over things, and this makes me ask questions. partially because of the topics i was talking about tonight. i talked with carly and keith for the past hour and a bit.

ok, they did most of the talking. i mostly listened.

and they were talking about people they went to elementary school with, and where they are now in life.

and it made me think a couple of things.

one, that keith was very different in elementary and there's a whole bunch of things that i kinda knew but didn't really know the whole story. and how he was a bit of a player back then.

two, it made me think about where the people i went to elementary school are. and i have a big urge to find the graduating list of students and go through the list with someone and wonder where they are now, and to laugh about the memories that those names bring back. because i have years of history with those people, and there are memories i'm sure that are hiding, just waiting for someone to say the right word and call them out of their dark corner of my mind.

but now i suppose i should be off to bed, where i will wonder more until sleep overtakes my me, and dreams consume my mind. and maybe, if i'm lucky, i will dream of old memories.

I don't even want to be doing this right now

2007-11-10T19:43:00.001-06:00

and yet i am posting. what is the point in this? i have no reason to post, and no want to post in the first place...
and yet i am here.

well i am thinking about whether i want to go out tonight or not...originally i was just going to stay home with keith and watch a movie but then kenton called him and invited him to go bowling and the invitation was extended to me, and now it is up to me to decide whether we bowl or watch a movie. and while it's a movie that i really want to see, we can watch it in a couple days. and i do like bowling. but i'm just not sure if i'm in a people mood tonight. honestly, i'm kinda sleepy actually. i just want to go lay down and have a nap. i am content with being silent, and i know that if i go out i will either have to talk and make myself seem happy, or be silent and suffer the questions and looks.

i think i'll just go have a nap.

<3

2007-11-08T16:13:00.001-06:00

I WANT A GUY...

who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me.

hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous.

someone who would sing to me at random moments.

who would let me sleep on their chest.

a boy who would get mad at someone if they called me ugly or was mean to me.

i want someone who would call me 3 times a day if he went away.

someone who would just let me gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything i said.

he would throw stuffed animals at me when i acted dumb and then kiss me a million times.

someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh.

he would take me to the park and put his arms around my waist and give me big bear hugs all the time.

he would tell his friends about me all the time and smile when he did it.

and we'd make out in the pouring rain.

he would never be afraid to say "i love you".

and we'd argue about silly little things and then make up.

i want a boy that would kiss me at midnight on new years and count stars with me.

who would stay at home with me on a friday night just to help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket.

someone who would tell me i'm beautiful, but not too often.

who would make me laugh like no one else could.

but mostly i just want someone who would be my best friend and would never break my heart..

Help My Blog Not Be Boring!

2007-11-02T18:39:00.000-06:00

my blog is so boring. so would someone please leave a comment and give me something to talk about? give me a situation, a scenario, a quote or verse to meditate on, ask a question...something!

please?

Waiting

2007-10-30T16:37:00.000-06:00

as i sit here and wait for time to go by...i will blog. because erin wants me to.

ok well what can i say? i'm obsessed with facebook? nothing new.
my pants are dirty? well yes in fact, they are. they have four little yellow spots on them, and i don't have a clue what they are from.
i have awesome pink lemonade lipgloss? you bet!
i'm a nut? for sure.

alrighty. well what can i really say? how about...i'm bored with school? yes, me, the girl who would always say "i love school!"? yep, one and the same. school for me this year is just dragging by, and not holding up to it's usual excitement. i'm not sure if i changed or if just my attitudes changed, but suddenly i find myself bored and just wanting to go home. even though most of my friends are at school with me and even in my classes, i just do not want to be there. but i really need to find a way to get back into it, to enjoy school again. it makes the day, week, month, year, easier. so i guess that's what i'm struggling with right now.

okay this has wasted about two minutes of my time?

well tomorrow is halloween and at school the band is play "the headless horseman" and it is such a creepy song! nt going to lie. we're playing it for the pep rally. oh yay for shortened classes tomorrow morning! even though it means we have a pep rally. maybe this one will actually be good!

and i'm waiting some more, for time to go by...so i can go carve a pumpkin! yes, that is what i am waiting for. because tonight i am carving a pumpkin with keith. oh yes, it will be interesting. hopefully it actually turns out semi-good! ok, better than semi-good. good good.

is this enough for you erin?

Finished

2007-10-25T19:50:00.001-06:00

volleyball is over. we had our last league game tonight, and because we lost, there is not a spot for us in the playoffs to get to quarter finals. so we're done. in some ways, i will miss it. i had fun playing, and i'm not sure if i will know what to do with myself and all my free time. on the other hand, i'm glad to be done. i'm ready to have that time again. and soon it will be filled with basketball, so i suppose i should take the extra time while i can.

tonight i feel very strange. i don't feel like myself. i don't know how to explain how i feel...i just feel strange. i don't know what's wrong with me.

i think i'm just an odd ball.

True Colors

2007-10-24T16:35:00.001-06:00

"True Colors" by Kalan Porter and Theresa Sokyrka

You with those sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Though I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it
And that darkness inside you makes you feel so small

But I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me your smile
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful
Like a rainbow

You're beautiful
I see your true colors
Just remember
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful
Beautiful
Like a rainbow
Like a rainbow

You're beautiful

Your true colors are beautiful

.

i was listening to this song today, and all of the sudden, it was like HEY! do people see my "true colors" shining through? it's something i've been thinking about on and off for a while. it started when we did that study at youth, when we talked about being set apart, authentic. and it made me think: am i authentic? and, you know, i don't think i was. and sometimes i still don't think i am. i'm working at it, i really am. but it takes time. and although that's not an excuse, it's true. but i do think that i am getting better at showing what i really think or feel or mean. i can only hope that i am. because i don't want to be a fake, a phony. it's so much easier to just be me.

no matter who that is.

I can't figure out accounting, so I'm blogging...

2007-10-22T20:08:00.001-06:00

i feel so bad for not updating this blog very often. i have no idea how often people are reading this blog, but for anyone who checks it regularly, it must be pretty boring not to see anything new!

so what can i tell you that is new in my life...

well, this weekend i went to moose jaw for a volleyball tournament. we didn't do amazing, but we did play well and it was good for our team to play that much within a short time period. playoffs start next week, and the trounament was a good thing to prepare us for that.
volleyball has been pretty intense, especially this week. playoffs are next week, and we play two difficult teams this week--marion graham and bjm. uh-oh! cross your fingers for those.
oh and friday night? in moose jaw? four and a half hours of sleep. (the girls in my room wouldn't shut up.) and then i went and played volleyball all day saturday. then i went to bed at nine, and got up sunday morning at 6:45am! i had to be at the church by 7:30 sunday morning because our youth worship team played for the sunday morning worship service. and we actually did pretty good! there were no huge mistakes, and a lot of people came up to us afterwards and had a lot of good things to say.

...i'm really craving cupcakes right now. so tomorrow i am going to make some.

Four Months!

2007-10-12T22:21:00.001-06:00

i forgot!

today was four months! yay! funny thing...i forgot! was hanging out with keith and all of the sudden he's like "soo we should go out for lunch today, it being four months and all". and i was like "OH! right!"

can you tell i forgot? wow. can't believe i actually forgot.

but it was a lot of fun. we went out to mano's and WOW food was really yummy!

annnd i also found out that we are going to phantom of the opera in april!! and guess what!? keith got front row tickets!!! ahh i am soooooo excited!!! it definately made my day today.

ok that's all.

Travelling

2007-10-12T22:16:00.001-06:00

i realized tonight how much i love travelling, and how much i love doing it with my family.

i love being in a vehicle, i love just sitting and riding in the car. i can't explain it, i just love it.
and i love travelling with my family, because we put on the music and we sing. we just sing. i don't know what it is, but there's something in the combination of music, family, and travelling that makes it really special. and it's there everytime we're out on the road. even for a short trip, like to regina.

because i felt it tonight...and i remembered how much i love it.

Two Kinds of Rain Today

2007-10-11T19:10:00.001-06:00

i don't like it. i feel almost completely alone. i feel neglected by a lot of people. i'm lonely. i'm hurting, because i feel shut out. i feel like no one wants to spend time with me.

i don't want to be in my house. i feel like i can't be myself in my house. i sleep in my house every night, i store my clothes there. my toothbrush is there, marking my place. it is a shelter from the cold outside. i see my bible beside my bed, i see the marks that i have left in my favorite rooms of the house. i see things i have left laying around. my house is not my security. yes, i am sheltered from elements and i feel safe from fires and thieves. but i am not secure in my house. i feel like i can't show my true self to my family. granted, i don't always know who she is...
i feel not allowed to feel.
i can't be mad in my house. i can't be upset in my house. i thought home was a place where you were supposed to feel totally comfortable, at ease, loved, able to be yourself...if that is true, then my house is not my home.

so where can i feel? where i can i take these thoughts, these feelings?

no where that i have found yet. and so they sit in my head, and they go round and round on the merry-go-rounnd that is my brain.

they bottle themselves into the bottles that i have hid away. hid away for a rainy day.

it rained today.

I Will Go On

2007-10-09T20:59:00.001-06:00

i will go on
my past i leave behind me
i gladly take
his mercy and his love
he is joy, and he is peace
he is strength and sweet release
i know he is and i am his
i will go on

chorus of "i will go on" by gaither vocal band

Minot

2007-10-09T10:38:00.001-06:00

home again, home again, after a fun-filled weekend in minot, north dakota.
not really much to say about it.
swam a bit. went down a cool waterslide. that was fun. sat in the hot tub. also enjoyable.
shopped a LOT. there were a lot of awesome sales on. so i got quite a bit of stuff for really cheap prices. quite happy with my purchases.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

sometimes i just feel like everything is falling in around me. it's like i have this perfect little world, my own world, my bubble. doses of reality, but never a full submersion into reality.

is that bad?

but i like my own little world. i am safe there.

but it's very strange to have my perfect little world, but to have things going on in reality, in other peoples lives, and to think "that could happen to me". but for some reason, it doesn't. i am blessed, lucky in that way. there are so many things that i see people dealing with, that i help people deal with, that i have never experienced in my own life.

so am i being favored, am i lucky, is it good?
or am i being babied, cheated, missing experiences that will shape my life? that will give me the expereience to deal with other things in life?

i am conflicted. there are thoughts running around in my head that i don't know what to think about. it's like a merry-go-round that has sped out of control. i see the same things, flashing before me again and again and again. but they won't slow down enough for me to get on a figure them out.

.

in some ways, i hate going away. i miss too much. and getting caught up is oh-so-difficult.

Driving

2007-09-27T07:49:00.001-06:00

i can go get my drivers license in under a month.

and i am so, so nervous.

i haven't even booked it yet, which i really should do because i want to go on taylor and taylor is going fast right now, and i would like to do my test before it gets too nasty outside. as it is i'll probably have to take it beginning of november.
and it's not really that i'm such a bad driver, because i'm not that bad. and it's not really the general driving that scares me, because i'm pretty comfortable with that, and i will be driving more as it comes up to the date of the test.
it's the parallel park that i'm worried about. i haven't parallel parked since i took driver ed. oops! so my daddy's talking about taking me out driving and just making me park and park and park basically. which i guess would be really good, and would help for me to get my license on the first try.
so that's where that is going. oh how exciting.

but i really want my license. so i will practice. yay.

i just need to put in some good music...hmmm...

Shows

2007-09-26T16:36:00.001-06:00

yay! i am going to michael buble! in january!! woot woot!

and i'm going to go to phantom of the opera when it's in saskatoon in april/may!

yay!

Change

2007-09-18T21:10:00.001-06:00

there is change in the air.
i can feel it.
it's everywhere i look.
and as much as i tried to deny it,
it is in me.
perhaps mainly in me.
i notice the change in others
faster than i notice it in myself.
i blame others for their changes
when it is my change that causes
problems.
my observations of others are
unfair,
perhaps even
judgemental.
i am hard on those
i love most
and keep the blame off
myself.
when all these problems
that have come about
have not
spontaneously generated
but most likely caused
by my own
change.
i search for how i have changed,
and still for how others have changed.
i search for how those changes,
in me and in others,
collide.
i search for the source of the problems,
and can only find change
to blame.
i search to fix
the problems that change has caused
but find myself shying away
from hurting others.
i do not want confrontation
again.
i want to change
how this is.
i want to fix
the problem.
but how do you find a solution
when you don't know the source of the problem?
and so i fear
that i must
yet again
change.

Keep Going

2007-09-17T19:53:00.001-06:00

well i know you have all seen this little clip before. and i'm sorry if because it's playing over and over you get really distracted...
you know what i love about that little penguin? he gets up and goes again. even though the other guy is just pushing him down and pushing him down, he keeps going. he's a trooper.
and it's just like life. even when it takes you down, you gotta get right back up and back into the swing of things.
it's like falling off your horse. if you don't get right back on, you might never get back on.
don't be afraid of life.

and just today, i feel as if i have learned so much, realized so much, had my eyes opened.

Aaron Shust - My Savior My God

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

.

so that's the jist of that song...bolded parts are meaning something to me right now.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

My Poor Neglected Blog

2007-09-10T21:25:00.001-06:00

i feel so bad for my blog. yes, i know it's just a tiny piece of space on the world wide web, but i still feel bad for it! it's so neglected, so alone...so much for my "i'll write lots and lots on my blog this year". i started out strong, but then summer came along, and i haven't written hardly anything since school started. and so my blog is neglected.
but really, what do i have to say on my blog? i don't have any big major problems like i wrote about in grade nine. and in grade ten i just wrote about random stuff, because i was trying to write everyday.
so maybe i'll just continue with my random writings on my poor blog, who wishes that i would write something important and actually blog worthy.

can i help it if my life just isn't that interesting right now?

Funny Stories

2007-09-05T20:55:00.001-06:00

first off...it's wednesday. and wednesday in katelynn's world means awana night! but guess what? i didn't realize that awana started TONIGHT! so i was sitting at home, watching tv, when the phone rang. mrs. torvi, my "boss", was on the line. here's the conversaton:

mrs torvi: "katelynn, it's wednesday"
me: "um, yeah, it is"
mrs. torvi: "are you coming to awana? because i have four beautiful girls who are waiting for you..."
me: "omigoodness! it didn't even register! i'll be right there!"

and that's how i wound up at awana half an hour late.
but the best is yet to come!
there are all these new little five year olds. and they're really funny. in council time (we sit there and listen to mrs. torvi tell stories and talk about god and such), this little kid just randomly said "big rockets, big rockets". because, well, yes, there were two giant red rockets in the room. but it was completely off topic, and we hadalready been in there about 10 minutes...hmmmm.
second funny part. this one kid (callan) raises his hand, and says:

"mrs. torvi, can i go home yet?"

well, that made me laugh.
and now here's the best one.
mrs. torvi was talking about parents, and how it's important to listen to them and such. and she says, "even though i'm a grown up, i still have a mommy and a daddy". and this little kid (michael, i believe) bursts out, super loud, and says the following:

"no, your daddy's DEAD!"

emphasis on the dead.
and we all kinda chuckled, and mrs. torvi says "umm no actually he's not".

so it was a very eventful night, one that i was glad to go to after a long school day and a long volleyball practice.

oh, just thought i would add that this is post 201. woot woot!

Put It All Together And What Have You Got...

2007-09-04T18:35:00.001-06:00

katelynn's busy school schedule!
well school is up and running...and already i am busy with so much stuff! of course there is homework, which surprisingly has been very light so far! yay! but then last week there were volleyball tryouts, and i found out on friday that i made the senior girls volleyball team, which was pretty exciting. and practices started today, so that's everyday usually after school, plus games twice a week. although playing twice a week cuts down on practice (hehe), and add two tournaments in there plus the year end tournament...yeah busy busy busy. and that's just volleyball! throw in violin lessons/practicing, working at awana every wednesday night, a little bit of babysitting, youth, church, friends, family, boyfriend...and then god! where does he fit in!! it's so much! so overwhelming!
but so far i'm doing ok. spending time with friends at school whenever i can, and when i can out of school. fitting keith in whenever possible (but try to put our schedules together...good luck with that...) and family whenever i'm at home. and the other things all have their place. so i guess maybe it won't be so bad. at least that's what i can hope for.
but anyways, i want to relax a bit for now, which means doing some homework right now. maybe later...i have a feeling this blog might be a little neglected. but i'll try!

Provision Reminder

2007-08-25T17:23:00.001-06:00

FATHER THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME THOSE BABYSITTING JOBS! IT'S NOT THE MIRACLE JOB THAT I STILL WANT, BUT IT'S REASSURING TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE LISTENING AND WATCHING AND PROVIDING FOR ME. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER, AND FOR YOUR PROVISION!

$$$

2007-08-24T15:09:00.001-06:00

lately i've been really worrying about my "financial situation". i know it sounds really stupid for a 16 year old girl to be worrying about finances, but i worry about it. mainly because i am on the egypt trip for march...seven months away. and i have to get $3600. that's how much the trip costs, anyways. i'm not even sure if my parents will pay for some of it. they're not sure yet. they say it depends on how hard i work to get some money for the trip. but that's a lot of money! and then add on spending money...it's just so much. and my parents aren't sure if they want me to get a job, and i want to get a job but it would have to be a miracle job for me to actually be able to take it. because it would have to be a good job so that my parents would allow me to take it (no 7eleven for me!). it would have to be flexible, because there are some days that i just can't work. and i want it to be somethinghat i could actually enjoy doing. but how often can i get those three things to all coordinate? how could it work? i just don't know...and plus my parents don't always want to be driving me back and forth from a job, and even once i have my license i might not always be able to take one of the vehicles...so it's kind of a mess. and i've really been stressing about this lately. so i guess, once again, i must give it all up to god...

FATHER I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A PLAN FOR ME. I'M ON THIS EGYPT TRIP, YOU MUST WANT ME TO GO. BUT HOW WILL I EVER PAY FOR IT? LORD PLEASE SEND SOMETHING MY WAY. IS IT WRONG TO BE PICKY ABOUT WANTING A JOB THAT I WILL ENJOY? IS THERE EVEN A JOB OUT THERE FOR, ONE WHERE I CAN ONLY WORK A FEW DAYS A WEEK? I NEED A MIRACLE JOB...AND GOD YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO DISHES OUT MIRACLES...SO CAN I ASK FOR A MIRACLE JOB? LORD PLEASE TAKE CHARGE OF THIS SITUATION AND SHOW ME A PATH IN LIFE TO TAKE...

Fancy Photos

2007-08-22T17:13:00.000-06:00

well if you've been on facebook lately you probably have seen my camp pictures...but here are a few of my favorites (coincidentally, all of me...hmmm...) and i had some fun with the editing thing playing around with them. just thought i would share!

So...

2007-08-22T16:25:00.001-06:00

how about i have done nothing all day? woohooo go me. yes i have no life. but all my silly friends are working!!! gee what is up with that...sorry guys. i'm not being mean. i'm glad you guys are out there working. in fact, i wish i had a job! but besides the point. well i guess i did actually do something today. i made plans for the weekend! woot woot! at first i thought my weekend was going to be boring and empty, but it's actually quite full now! yay! silly keith is leaving me for the weekend again. but oh well--that leaves me with lots of time to have girl time! woohoo! pretty much my favorite thing to do anyways. and plus i haven't spent much time with anyone this summer, so i'm pretty much just taking what i can get from people!

The End of Summer

2007-08-21T13:50:00.001-06:00

it's gone by so fast.
and yet so slow.

i really can't believe that it's the end of summer. i guess, all in all, it did go by quickly. and i was away for most of it too! crazy.

school is in a week and a day. and while i will miss being able to do whatever i want, whenever i want...i am looking forward to school. i miss the people, and i miss the routine. i know school will be hectic this year, but i think i'm ready for it. not looking forward to the intense workload, but glad that i have a spare every other day to help with the homework aspect. and like i said, i can't wait to be seeing a good chunk of my friends everyday. and finally everyone will be home to stay for a while, and i will be able to call people and actually get a hold of them...ahhh.

but for now i will relish the last few (cold) days of sumer, and do whatever i want.

More Pictures

2007-07-28T13:26:00.000-06:00

hehe...i had fun playing with some picture editing stuff!

Picture

2007-07-28T13:19:00.000-06:00

The Moon

2007-07-27T00:27:00.001-06:00

i love the moon.

have you ever just sat and watched the moon?

i love the moon. i love to stare at it. i look for it in the sky every night, and i like seeing it during the day, too. i can see it right now. it's white, and almost full, and it's surrounded by darkness. i love the moon.

it's always there, even though it looks different from night to night. and no matter where i go in the world, i look at the same moon.

everyone in the world looks at the same moon.

i sit and watch the moon.

i love the moon.

Posting Isn't Talking

2007-07-24T23:39:00.001-06:00

...which means i haven't broken my promise.
i'm sorry, i told myself i wasn't going to talk/complain/ANYTHING about this. but this doesn't count. seeing as it's the only post i've made about this so far this summer, and it's very short and really doesn't say anything about anything. you cannot complain that i don't shut up about this topic. i promised myself that certain things like that wouldn't happen.

yes i realize that the above makes absolutely no sense. but let me be. i'm going crazy.
scratch that.
i'm already crazy.

so to the point of this post...

i miss him.

Michael Buble Lyrics

2007-07-24T00:07:00.001-06:00

"You And I"

Here we are
On earth together
It's you and I
God has made us fall in love
It's true
I've really found
Someone like you
Will it stay
The love you feel for me
Will you say
That you will be by my side
To see me through
Until my life is through
Well in my mind
We can conquer the world
In love you and I
You and I, you and I...
I'm glad
At least in my life
I've found someone
That may not be here forever
To see me through
But I found strength in you
Cause in my mind
You will stay here always
In love you and I
You and I, you and I
You and I, you and I
You and I
In my mind
We can conquer the world
In love you and I
You and I, you and I
You and I...

"Everything"

You're a falling star, you're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

[Chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

[Chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

[Chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
'Cause you're my everything.
Yeah, yeah

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

guess who i'm thinking about

Life

2007-07-24T00:00:00.001-06:00

"A happy childhood is the worst possible preperation for life"

the above quote is one i read in a bathroom reader yesterday. and it got me to thinking.

life for me has been reasonably easy. god has certainly blessed me a lot through life. i would say that i'm fairly average in athletic, academic, and social abilities. (if you disagree, please leave me a comment! haha) i have been lucky enough to grow up in a christian home, surrounded at all times by christian family and friends. i have grown up in an amazing church with lots of kids programs and fun youth groups. i have always had the support i've needed, both emotionally and financially. i've had lots of great opportunities for travel, and have had the chance to do lots of fun things. i am very healthy. i go to a good school, live in a good area of town. i have never really wanted for anything without being able to get it.

death has not hit me. and when i say me, i mean it has not hit close to home. the closest that death has come to me would be a great aunt or uncle, whom i barely know. none of the family that i am close to has died. none of my friends have died, and very few of them have had someone extremely important die in their lives.

so when i read this quote...i thought of myself. i have had a happy childhood. is the rest of life, aka the adult life, going to be horrible for me? will i find myself in a place of financial worry? will friends and family walk away, or worse, die? will i suddenly be left alone?

these are my fears. and yes, maybe they seem irrational. but you've got to understand...my upbringing, my life...has been easy, it's been good. i love that it's been good, i'm very blessed by god and i know how lucky and blessed i am.

but i worry about my future, and lots of aspects of it. this is just one of them that i have been worrying about lately.

death is a great fear of mine, mainly because it has not hit me yet. i have not really learned how to deal with death. (i haven't even ever had a pet die!).
so i wonder...as i get older, and the people around me get older...
will death hit me?
and will i be able to cope?

Dallas Valley

2007-07-22T15:54:00.001-06:00

well i'm back from another week away...and i'm not even home, i'm in regina for a few days! but anyways.

just came back from dallas valley ranch camp. it's pretty sweet. 20 minutes out of regina, and pretty much on a hill/valley. the main ranch house is at the top and all the cabins and activities and such are down in the valley. it looks really cool. i really like the camp. (by the way, they said i should be an LIT there next summer! hmm...)

so i was a cook there, along with some amazing people. it was a lot of fun. last year i cooked at a different camp (kadesh) and it was fun too. but yeah this year was really good. we really connected as a kitchen staff and had a lot of fun together. lots of laughs. and i got to dig my hands into some work projects...literally! our head cook, becky, always seemed to give me the fun (but messy!) jobs to do. such as mushing up bananas (just use your hands, katelynn!), mixing up "dirt" for dirt pie stuff, pushing down graham cracker crumbs for cheesecake, etc. yeah i had a lot of fun doing a variety of different things.

and the one morning i was at staff meeting (a different person from the kitchen went down every morning to represent kitchen staff) i was really blessed. just by what the camp director told the staff--who do you want to hear calling your name? (not just parents, friends, or a boyfriend...you should want to hear jesus call your name!) and by the counsellors and how they were praying for certain campers and what was on their heart, and just the fun they were having with the campers.

i love camp. i really do. and everytime i go to camp lately, whether i'm a camper or staff or training or whatever...i just have this deep desire to be there. i see so much good god stuff going on at camp, and i see god working in amazing ways through and in people...and i want to be a part of that. i love camp and what it does for people, the effect it has on their lives. and it is just such a desire of mine to be at camp. and i want to be in the cabins, interacting with the campers. i love being in the kitchen, i think it's great. but my heart truly lies with the kids, and that is where i want to be.

on a different note...

the kids were singing "romans 16:19" today for their parents. and i've just been thinking about the verse a bit today.

"But everyone knows that you are obedient to the Lord. This makes me very happy. I want you to be wise in doing right and to stay innocent of any wrong. The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. May the grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." [romans 16:19-20]

...be excellent...in what is good...(that's how the song goes)

sigh. i love camp.

Summer Hatin'

2007-07-09T23:29:00.001-06:00

i find summer really difficult. i find it extremely hard to not be able to talk to certain people every day. i am used to seeing people nearly every day and talking to some people literally every day. i find it really hard not to be able to do that in the summer.

let's face it. i'm an emotional person. i'm constantly on a roller coaster. i'm hyper, i'm sad, i'm happy, i'm angry, i'm bored...and everything in between. and i have people i call for every single stage of that. i let people lean on me all they want. and all i ask in return is that they be a phone call away when i just need someone to talk to.

and in the summer, those people aren't always around for me. or i'm not always around for them. i hate that. i hate not being there for other people for every single thing. i like to be there for every single detail. i hate to miss things.

i hate sitting at home alone, wanting to cry, and not knowing why. i hate sitting around in the summer and eating too much food.

i just hate the summer.

Home Again

2007-07-07T16:07:00.001-06:00

i'm home again...HELLO WORLD! haha

well i am back from my interesting week at mdt. mdt stands for ministry development training, but the theme this week was monastaric development training. we were doing some old school monastary stuff like praying the hours (four times a day praying all together) and some other stuff of the like, like silence and stuff. but i think david said it best when he said mdt stood for Misquitoes Dirt and sweaT! which is so true. the bugs were crazy...not only those little blood suckers that buzz in your ear at night, but the horseflys and wasps/hornets as well. so many people were stung this week which was really painful for them. thankfully i was not bitten but i know a lot of people that were and i felt so bad.
mdt was really cool and a great learning experience in all but i'm not going to go into all the details mostly because i can't remember half of them right now soo i will just let them randomly pop out in other conversations.

so on to my other plans for the summer (just so y'all know and can call me when i'm actually home haha). well i'm around at home this week until friday when i go on the youth retreat WOOT WOOT it will be a party! and then i am staying at my cabin after the retreat for a day then going home with my aunt/uncle/cousins so that i can go to camp with them where i am cooking for a week! yay! i'm excited for that. then i am home for another week, then back to my cabin for two weeks straight where i will be chilling with my family haha and hopefully getting a killer tan! and not whiplash from tubing. then i believe i'm back for another week? then off again to camp at the quest for sr. teen which grace and erin you should both come and i had people come up to me and say WHAT they are not coming to sr. teen? make them!!! so therefore you must both come now. it's not full...sign up! anyways. then after camp back here until school starts! or maybe at my cabin a little bit, not exactly sure on the specifics of that. but yeah that's the rest of my summer.

i'm not really sure what else to say because there is so much that went on this week at mdt but i just don't know how to explain it all and have it come out in a way that would make sense and not be like "oh you had to be there" kind of thing. so i guess i will just leave it. i really need something interesting to post about. maybe something will hit me? and maybe not. but hopefully i'll be able to somewhat keep up with this blog in the summer...i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

School's Out

2007-06-27T17:10:00.001-06:00

well it's summer. no more school! yay! all my exams were actually really easy. and i barely even studied...how awesome is that. that makes me happy.

i know i haven't been here for a while. well, i've been here, but not posting. sorry to all you people who wait for me to update about my life! but i don't really have anything to say. school's out, i've just been chilling around the house and hanging out with a few people. i leave on sunday for camp--woot woot! what else can i say...hmm. i've been really tired lately. don't really know why. just have been. and i don't like it. i nap almost everyday now. how wierd is that? i feel old!

well like i said i have nothing to say, so i think i will go make some supper. or have a nap again. maybe both. or maybe just food. hmm life is strange sometimes.

Hey George!

2007-06-21T07:22:00.001-06:00

E is for extraordinary
R is for radical
I is for insightful
K is for kind
A is for athletics and academics

geroge (i still don't know why i call you that...) you are such an amazing girl. i look up to you so much! (even though i am older and taller...) you amaze me with how you are able to trust God with everything, and to give everything to him on a daily basis. i know it must be a struggle, but I continually see you moving forwards in your faith and taking leaps of faith. i know you are an inspiration to lots of people around you, and that you bless the people that surround you everday. thank you for always being there for me...literally...and for all the good times we've had together. i'll never forget our super long slideshow, eating frozen cookies from the freezer (i think i ate like 20 cookies...) or the countless sleepovers--some under the pool table. so here's to your sweet 16 (that was actually yesterday...) and in hopes to many, many more. i love you!

Problem Solved

2007-06-18T20:04:00.001-06:00

need i say more???

Looks Don't Matter

2007-06-17T21:52:00.000-06:00

well my cousin's friends made this video...and i really like it. it's making a lot of sense to me. so i'm just thinking about it right now. maybe i'll post more after i think about it more. but i have a lot running around my brain (see below post!). but go watch the video. it's cool. make sure you have your sound up loud; some parts are pretty quiet.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=cfJFypTVtFM

First Kiss Dilemna

2007-06-17T21:49:00.000-06:00

i never thought kissing would be this confusing! but let me explain.

i have never been kissed by a boy. on the lips. just to get that straight.

mason is my partner in a drama scene that we have to perform for our drama final. in the scene, we have to have an "accidental" kiss. there was a long passionate kiss, but we cut it. we thought we could cut this little kiss too, but it ruins the motive for the character, which kills the scene. so we decided to do it. it's just supposed to be an accidental brush of lips.

so i told keith about it today. and he's...ok. he doesn't really like it, but i don't really like it either. he knows that it's just drama and you can't do a lot about that, and that it doesn't mean anything.

but it's too late to switch scenes...as it is, mason and i are behind.

i feel like i am making excuses to keep this kiss to mason in my life. it's really confusing me. because i don't want my first kiss to be with mason. and i don't want to make keith feel jealous, and i don't want any of this. but i feel stuck, because there isn't really anything i can do. we thought we could cut that part when we initially picked the scene, but found that we can't.

this kiss is small, and there are ways to make it extremely minimal. and i told keith that he can come watch us perform the scene if that makes him feel any better. and talking about this, i think, is making a bit better for him.

but i still feel really bad. but i'm just not sure what else there is left to do.

My Birthday

2007-06-13T15:51:00.001-06:00

well i'm sure some of you are just dying to here the details of my birthday...my sweet 16...well anyways i figured i should get on putting up the details so i have friends by tomorrow haha.
ok well the only parts you really all want to know have to do with keith so that's all i'll put up here.
well at lunch keith, rachel, carly, janelle, leanne, and sam all came to dq by my school for lunch. and some of my school friends were there too. and keith was sitting beside me, and then he's like i'm going to go talk to carly (she was sitting at the other table). and i'm all ok why are you telling me but whatever. so i'm just talking to the other people sitting at my table when all of the sudden someone from the other table is like katelynn look over here! so i look over and keith isn't facing me but he has this new black shirt on. and i'm thinking oh a new shirt i've never seen that before...and then i REALLY see the shirt. and in purple writing it says katelynn will you go out with me. as soon as i saw that i turned my head and was like wow in front of all these people! and i started laughing a bit because honestly i really wasn't expecting it. and then he came over and stood in front of me with a rose and was like katelynn will you go out with me? and i wouldn't even look at him i was going red and i was staring at this lovely red rose he was holding...and then he's like katelynn you still haven't answered me. (which is funny because this is kind of like what happened the first time he asked me out...honestly that kid and asking me out haha or maybe it's me and my responses to him asking me out...anyways!)
and i was like yes (of course!) and then he gave me a hug and there was a collective "awww" from the people around me! haha. way to make a moment...yeah but it was good. so he gave me the rose, and the shirt, and a burnt cd with a whole bunch of cute little songs on it and he told me to listen to it until he could come get me after school.
then after school i was sitting around my house waiting for him to come pick me up. he had some plan...of course he wouldn't tell me what it was! so when he finally came to get me (he was late!) then we got into his car and i'm all where are we going? and he's all you'll find out...and then he blindfolded me! so i had no idea where he was driving to. and when we finally got there, he made me get out of the car and walk a ways until he took of the blindfold. and when he did take off the blindfold...we were down by the river. it was really nice out and very pretty, and there were a bunch of pelicans that we were watching eat the fish and stuff. and we walked down closer to the river and walked down there for a bit and just stood and watched the birds and the water flowing and talked a bit and just stood there i guess. but it was good. and then as we were leaving...this is great...i decided it would be fun to climb up the steep part of the hill, instead of going on the road. so ok it was an adventure. we were almost to the top...when i fell...and started sliding...and of course when i fell he fell because he was standing behind me. so we slid pretty much the whole way to the bottom. poor us. but it was funny. and then we walked down the rest of the way (very slowly, i might add!) and then took the road. then what did we do...oh we went to his house and made sidekicks and watched grease. it was good, i had never seen it before.
oh and he gave me my birthday present...apparently what he had already given me wasn't my actually gift. so i got evan hardy sweats and body butter...which is funny because i've been saying that i will buy hardy sweats for about a year now...and i still hadn't bought any.
anyways the day with keith was a lot of fun and i really enjoyed it. so it was worth all the waiting!

Something On My Mind

2007-06-10T01:12:00.000-06:00

i don't know what it is. i really don't. but it's there. and it's annoying. because it makes me want to pace and think it out. but it's really hard to think something out when you don't know what you need to think about. this could be a problem. maybe if i just try sleeping it would be better...and maybe not.
this would be a lot easier if i knew what was on my mind.

Musings

2007-06-07T12:05:00.001-06:00

so instead of doing an english final, i'm doing a portfolio project and studying a subject and making an editorial and commercial and stuff like that. and my topic is eating disorders. and i took a quiz the other day in a book, about do you have the signs of anorexia or something. and i have a lot of the symptoms. i'm at high risk. scary thought. i've been thinking about it for the last 24 hours. and i don't like it. it makes me feel wierd. hmmm...

Zero Passion

2007-06-05T19:42:00.001-06:00

i hate feeling far away from God.
and that's kinda how i'm feeling now.
just got back from a missions trip. i expected to feel on a spiritual low after experiencing everything we experienced in mexico.
but this feels wierd.

i feel like i have no passion for God. and i feel like i should. most of our team has an unbelieveable fire and passion for God. and i want that. but i can't just make myself passionate. it doesn't work that way.

i've seen God work a lot this year. i've experienced a lot. but all the experiencing i've done has been through other people. i've gotten the edge of the experience from what happens in their lives. but i don't feel that any of it is happening in my own life. and i don't know why.

i pray all the time. i pray about the big things and the little things.
i listen for God. but it feels like he's not talking to me.

i learned about love in mexico, and i'm applying that.
i learned different aspects of love during the prayer path, and i'm working on those (although they are harder).
i learned that i need to put Jesus at the center of my life. and i'm trying to do that. thinking WWJD in every situation, praying about every choice, praying for people.

but i still don't have that fire. i'm not on fire for God. and i don't know how to become that. i want to experience God in my own life. experiencing him through other people is great and awesome in its own way, but i want it for myself, too. is that a selfish request?

Propelling Myself

2007-06-04T18:41:00.001-06:00

am i lazy? some people seem to think so. namely my mother. today she was getting on my case about being lazy and always relying on people to drive me places. she wants me to get up off my butt, "propel myself" and start walking or riding my bike places. first point--i don't even own a bike! and on the other hand, i don't make people drive me, i'm fine walking. but if people are offering me a ride, or if they're going to the same place i am? then yeah i'm going to take the ride! i try not to make people come out of their way to get me, but if they're coming by my house and they offer, hey, i might as well go...saves time and it's a lot more fun!

To My Duckie...

2007-06-03T21:28:00.001-06:00

G is for golden hearted
R is for radical
A is for ADHD (somedays i wonder...hehe)
C is for compassionate
E is for enthusiastic

emo i love how you throw your heart and soul into everything you do. i noticed it in mexico, but i see it here at home too. you have such a heart of gold and such a servant heart...you serve everyone. i hope that today on your sweet 16 you let some others pamper you a bit! you amaze me with all that is thrown into your life, and how you make time for it all. and it's all so good! all your relationships, all your activities, you excel at all of them. it amazes me how you do all this and still find time just to talk. duckie i have gotten to know you so much over the past couple of years and i have loved every minute of it. you challenge me and surprise me all the time, and i thank you for it. thank you for all the good times that we have had in the past, and i know there are more good times to come. thank you for always being there even when i don't deserve it. you are truly a wonderful friend...and a lovely lady (when you want to be). keep after God and please don't ever leave me! i love you!

Turn the Negative into the Positive

2007-05-30T16:11:00.001-06:00

"I don't know," the younger of the two men says. "I thought I'd be happier at this stage in my life."

"What's the problem?" the older man sitting across from him asks. "You've already made all the money you're ever going to need."

"Yeah," the younger man says sadly. "But being rich isn't all I thought it was cracked up to be."

"It never is."

There's a long pause. Finally the younger man says. "My wife's upset that we don't have children. The doctors say we probably can't."

"How old's your wife?"

"40."

"And you're?"

"The same age."

"Did you think about adopting?"

"My wife doesn't want to raise somebody else's children."

The older of the two men, a grey haired successful looking type, purses his lips and thinks about what he's going to say next. "Listen," the older man says. "So you may never have children. What does that mean for you?"

"I don't know," the younger man says.

"Are you, like, big into carrying on the family name?"

"My parents are dead. My sister has children. So……"

"Will it kill you not to have kids?"

"No."

The older man leans back in his chair. After a long pause he says, "Sometimes you have to exploit the negatives in your life. That may be how you have to look at this."

"Exploit the negative?" the younger man asks.

"You and your wife probably can't have children of your own and you don't want to adopt. Some people would say that's a negative, right?"

"Yes."

"But not having children means you and your wife are free to do other things. You can travel, explore business opportunities, go to school – you're not tied down. There's a positive side to not having kids."

"That sounds kind of cynical."

"Not at all," the older man says. "I have three girls. I love them to death. They've given me a bunch of grandchildren I adore. But any parent, if they're honest, will tell you that there are negatives to having children."

"You wouldn't do it over again?"

"I wouldn't change a thing," the older man says. "But that's the way my life worked out. Your life may be different. Are you comparing your life to other peoples? People with kids?"

"Yeah."

"Your life may not work out the same way. And if you don't live your life as it really is — you're heading for trouble."

"Maybe."

"All I'm saying is this," the older man says. "You have to look at the empty spaces in your life, see the possibilities, and turn them into opportunities."

"So you won't have kids," the older man continues, "But you have a lot of money. Millions. Maybe not having children will give you the time and freedom to use that money to help thousands of kids somewhere. When I was your age I was hustling to pay for braces. I couldn't spare a dime to charity."

"You have a point there," the younger man admits.

"Your life's going to be what it's going to be. But when you're stuck my advice is to look inside the negative parts of your life for inspiration."

"Lemons into lemonade?" the young man says, laughing softly.

"No," the older man says. "If everyone tried following their bliss everyone would be trying to get to the same place at the same time. It'd be a traffic jam. But since no one likes going into the negative there's more room for opportunity – less competition, less traffic."

"I think I see what you're talking about," the younger man says.

i found this on some random person's blog, and i kinda liked it. i like it when you can take the seemingly negative things and turn them into positive things. what can i say, i'm an optimist. i look for the good, the silver lining. it's what i do.

Mexico

2007-05-30T16:10:00.001-06:00

and all i have to say about mexico was that it was amazing. i learned a lot, and i had a lot of fun. i don't know how to express mexico in words. so i'm not even going to try; i won't risk butchering it. but i had a good time. probably the best spent week of my life. or at least one of.

Travel News

2007-05-18T17:38:00.001-06:00

well well well...mexico has snuck up on me like...well like a sneaky little thing. in ten and a half hours, i have to have my little butt in the airport. wow. that's crazy. to be counting down the hours. it's so close. and i'm super excited. a bit nervous, yeah. but really excited. it's gonna be intense! there's so much opportunity and chance for God to work. and i'm so excited to see and feel him working. everyone's been saying how they will be a different person when they come back from mexico. and i really believe that we all will be different. and i'm excited to see the person that i'm going to become while i'm down there.
oh...on another note...

I'M GOIN' TO EGYPT!

woohooo i found out today that my application has been accepted! so march next year i'm heading out to egypt with 30 other people from my school. a couple people i know, but i'll find out the rest of the people when i come back from mexico. i begged the teacher to tell me today; the list actually isn't being posted until tuesday. but i just had to know before i left for mexico!

crazy how many chances i've had to travel as of late. i mean i went to maui in february, and right before i left i found out i was going to mexico. and now it's right before i leave for mexico, and i find out that i'm going to egypt...hmm maybe the day before i leave is good luck??? who knows. and plus next year around this time i'll be heading out to ottawa for a few days for musicfest canada! it's a band festival ok...kinda like band nationals i guess is the best way to describe it. but anyways. God has definately been blessing me this year with all the travel opportunitites...and i recognize that it is him. and i'm giving him all the glory and praise! and wow i'm so excited...yeah now i'm getting giddy woooo look out for katelynn right now she's almost bouncing off the walls!

Sunday Morning

2007-05-16T16:07:00.000-06:00

well i did say i would be writing some stuff about sunday morning at church so here goes my overdue post about that.

well sunday morning the church had asked for the mexico team to be at both the early and late services so that we could give a flower to each other the mothers (it was mothers day) and so that the church could pray for us. so in the first service we handed out flowers (i spilled a vase of flowers! woot! go me! doing embarrassing stupid things...) and then we spread out through the aisles to be prayed for. and at first no one came righ tup to me, i mean it's not like people ran to me to pray for me. but then mrs. olsen and mrs. friesen, family friends and ladies that i have known forever, came up to me and put their arms around me. and then they prayed for me...and honestly it made me cry. as soon as they started i was crying like a baby. and they both were too. they've known me since i was born ad they said it was almost like sending off their own child. but it was really sweet and nice. and it made me feel so blessed to have people out there praying for me. i mean i know that there are people out there praying for me, family and family friends and stuff. but to hear people pray for you...it's a different feeling. makes things so much more real. and it also made the fact that we leave right away so much more real.

well onto the band trip. main point--seven hours on a bus with 50 other people is loud! very, very noisy. but wow was it fun! we had such a great time. and i'm not going to do the whole every minute detail thing. because yeah it's fun for me to go over every single thing we did and every funny thing every person said...but it's not fun for you people out there reading it. so i'll just remember it in my head. and say random things from it from time to time probably. but i'm really tired now. that's what little sleep does to you. and i have a ton of homework that i need to get going on. in fact i need to write a whole short story. maybe i'll post it on here later if it's any good. we'll have to see. who knows. anyways. time to hit the books.

On the Road Again

2007-05-13T22:08:00.001-06:00

well tomorrow at 7am i am heading out to Red Deer with the rest of the concert band from school. woohoo a whole six hours on a bus...joy oh joy. thank goodness for mp3's and personal dvd players! really i don't know what i would do without them.
well i was really planning on writing some stuff here about this morning at church and about mexico but well mother says i need to get going to bed, and i really do--late nights the last few nights, and i have to get up at six tomorrow morning...so i guess it will all have to wait until i get back.

Refiner's Fire

2007-05-10T22:17:00.001-06:00

purify my heart
let me be as gold
and precious silver
purify my heart
let me be as gold
pure gold
refiner's fire
my heart's one desire
is to be
holy
set apart for you, my master
ready to do your will

when we were taking communion as a team tonight, this is the song that came into my head while we were praying...often when people say ok now have a silent prayer time and talk to god and search your heart, etc., songs pop into my head. and they don't leave me alone. and this is the song that came to me tonight.
my favorite lines are the "set apart for you, my master/ready to do your will". my favorite part. and the part that stuck out for me.
ever since we read "authentic beauty", i have been wanting to be set apart for god. and in some respects working towards that. lately not so much...but trying to get back into it. and the other part of the line, "ready to do your will", well, i've been wondering to god about what my purpose in mexico is going to be. mike told me that god told him and the sponsors that there was a reason that i was on this team. i don't know what it is. maybe the adult team does, but i don't. and honest to goodness i am so curious as to why i was picked, why i was meant to be on this team. what my impact is going to be done there. what my purpose is. but no matter what it is, i am willing to do it. i have been working on preparing my heart. i go as a servant.
so i go, not knowing what my purpose is, but knowing that god has one set out for me. and i'm willing to follow him in whatever that purpose may be.

Fasting

2007-05-10T14:20:00.001-06:00

ok so the mexico missions team is fasting right now. as of 6pm yesterday, in fact. and it was up to us on how much or little we wanted to fast...not time wise, but how much we wanted to give up. just junk food, just dairy products, everything except water, etc.
so i chose to give up everything except water. and it actually hasn't been that bad. i don't even feel hungry right now. my tummy has been rumbling a bit, but i don't feel hungry. i don't feel that desperate need to eat. sure, i want to eat...i came home and there was all this yummy food staring at me! but i just want to eat because it tastes good, not because i'm overly hungry. and once i figured that out, getting over the temptation to eat was a lot easier. but now that i'm thinking about eating it is getting stronger again...so i think i will go do something else. not sit here and type about food.

Pumpkin Where Are You?

2007-05-09T11:45:00.001-06:00

this morning kayla and i went out to feed the bunny. last night rhian left the cage door open.

the bunny was not in the cage this morning.

my poor bunny pumpkin! we do not know where he is! kayla and i looked around the yard today, but didn't see him. maybe he is under one of the sheds. i hope we find him soon...especially since our grass is poisonous to him right now.

uh-oh...

i know he's just a rabbit, but i am attached ok! and i am worried. it's all i've bene able to think about today.

UPDATE:

the bunny is safe and sound. he was hiding under the shed, where nicole spotted him. she went out to get him and he came right to her. seems like he was glad to be back in his home!

Rhian's Adventure

2007-05-08T16:28:00.001-06:00

ok so yesterday my baby sister had a very interesting adventure! just to give you the background information, she's just turned 11...although she is quite tiny for her age. she's basically a little blonde pixie. that's how i would describe her.
anyways here is the story.
yesterday morning, rhian left home early to go to school for math help. but when she got there, she decided that no, she didn't need math help. so now what was she going to do? she was at school early and she couldn't go inside. so she decided to go for a walk. well she lost track of time, and lost track of where she was. she kinda knew where she was i guess...she was in a big green space by highway #5. she didn't know how to get home from there, but she did know where she was, and she knew how to get to a few different places (the dance studio, the center mall, my daddy's office). so she kept walking. she walked along in the grass beside highway 5, took the exit just like they take to go to dance. and somehow she ended up in the field behind evan hardy. and then she realized more of where she was; she was able to recognize evan hardy and could figure out better where she was. and from there she knew how to get to my dad's office. so she walked past center mall and on 8th street for a while and on circle drive for a while, until she finally reached my daddy's office--which is across from market mall.

meanwhile, my parents were freaking out. the school had called my mom at about 9:30, after they realized that rhian wasn't there. so my mom and dad were both at the school, describing her the police and everything. and one set of grandparents were at my house, in case she called or came home. and the other set were driving around the area seeing if they could spot her. so everyone was thinking that it was a kidnapping.

but this story has a happy ending. rhian made it to my daddy's office safe and sound, and when she walked in the receptionists called my parents and it was a happy reunion in the end.

so thank goodness that she was safe! i still can't believe that she walked along highways and circle drive and didn't get picked up...thank god for that!

Tanning on the Roof

2007-05-06T21:49:00.001-06:00

it was so nice out today! i got my short-shorts on, a tank top, and climbed out my window onto the roof and just laid down and let the sun soak in for a while. yeah i know it probably isn't good for my skin but it felt so good...ahhhhhh. i love this weather! it's so warm and lovely and the trees are getting green and flowered and the grass is green and getting to be soft on your bare feet...ahh i love spring.

on another note...last night we had a surprise party for keith. and he was totally surprised! it was awesome. we thought he was going to figure it out, but he had no idea! he was so surprised! kudos to the party planners...haha and to everyone who was there and jumped out at him! coltan gave keith an energy drink...which of course keith promptly drank. and became extremely hyper. i think the moral of the story: don't give keith energy drinks! haha nah he was fine, just super energetic and a bit crazy. but all in all it was a fun night. can't wait for the next one.

Bravely Going Where I Have Never Gone Before

2007-05-03T21:28:00.001-06:00

ok i know some of you have been worried about me the last couple days. and i admit, from my blog posts, i sounded a bit depressed...
i wasn't really depressed. i just had stuff going through my head that i really needed to figure out.
so what was i figuring out?

well i learned that i have a very strange way of trust in life. it's like this:
my heart, guarded by a giant wall. a little bit of space. surrounded by another wall. and then a bunch of open space with invisible lines drawn in it. and depending on how close i am with specific people is where they go in my trusting-ness.
and i figured out that someone had snuck past all my defenses and got pretty close to my heart before i figured it out.
and it's a guy. and he got closer than i've ever let any guy get before. which is kinda scary. i've learned from experience to guard my heart, because if i don't, i will get hurt. and i don't want to get hurt.
so i was thinking about it for a few days. and i wanted to get to the bottom of this fear--i had such a fear of letting him stay in that zone of trust. so i thought about it, long and hard, and i wrote and i kept to myself in my room for a few hours while i wrote.
and i found out that a couple guys in my past had hurt me...because i had opened up part of myself, and they had fled.
and i was scared that he would leave. terrified that he was going to run.
terrified that he would take a piece of my heart and crush it.

i've realized now that he's not going to do that. i trust him. he's shown me that i can trust him...gotta love notes from the middle of the night.
so into the zone of trust he goes. and i hope to goodness that everybody's right about him.
that he won't run.

trusting a guy like this is new. it's scary. i'm terrified.
but i think i'm gonna be ok. i just keep reading the note, it's keeping me sane for the time being.

one small step for most girls...one giant leap for katelynn.

Quiet

2007-05-01T18:53:00.001-06:00

...i've been quiet for a couple days now.

Layers of Trust

2007-04-30T16:40:00.001-06:00

this is stupid. why am i so terrified of this? i have had many reassurances, and yet i am still so scared. i feel as if i am a very trusting person, but i suppose there are levels to that trust. levels and layers...and i guess that is just the stage it is at. but why does it have to be at that stage and why can't i move forward from it?

Dwelling

2007-04-26T17:02:00.001-06:00

someone once told me "you are harder on the people you love the most". and i've really been thinking about that over the past few days. they told me this almost three weeks ago...and i didn't really dwell on it then. i thought about it a bit and agreed that it was true, but this past week i have really dwelled on it. probably because i had to write a reading assesment test in english (barf) and one topic had something to do with this, and made me think about it. i actually ended up writing a lot about this phrase and i thought it was a pretty good paper. but anyways, back to the topic of me dwelling on this for the past couple days...
"you are harder on the people you love the most"
think about it for a second. think about the people you love the most, the people that you would do anything for. ok, got them pictured in your mind? think about how many times you have spazzed on them or torn them down because of something they've done or said or situations or whatever. maybe it's just me, but i know that i am truly harder on the people i care the most about. and maybe part of it is because we expect more of those people. and maybe we expect them to be able to handle it. probably both. but something that i realized for myself was that i don't want to see these people get hurt. which makes sense, right? if i love someone a lot, i'm not going to want them to hurt. and so i think in an effort to protect them and myself, i am harder on them and what they do because i don't want anyone to get hurt.

hurting people is one of my greatest fears...and yet i seem to do it so unknowingly! ok so maybe i have more on my mind than just that phrase...but i don't have anything else sorted out yet.

yeah i though i was done being confused about this topic, but i guess not. guess i'll be dwelling a bit more and a bit deeper for the next few days.

Spring!

2007-04-25T21:50:00.001-06:00

spring has sprung! how exciting! hence the colorful beautiful writing! normally i don't write in fancy schmancy stuff like this on my blog...but hey spring is in the air! i think i have spring fever, i've been going nuts the last few days! and i love being outside, i mean, i'm walking to and from school everyday! and i'm just dying to have the free time to go for a walk in the park. i'm looking forwrad to the day when the trees are green and the grass is green and the sky is blue and sunny and big puffy clouds and all that good stuff...i cannot wait...spring is here! well at least the beginning of it is...so the rest of it better hurry up! i'm getting anxious!

Bananas in Pajamas

2007-04-25T21:40:00.001-06:00

did anybody ever watch that show "bananas in pajamas"? it was my favorite show when i was little.
and now i'm bouncing along to the bananas in pajamas song...

Happy 4/20

2007-04-20T18:59:00.001-06:00

well it's been a long day, and it's not over yet. although i am very excited for youth tonight, as i always am. it truly is the highlight of my week.
but that's not my topic today.
happy 4/20: does anyone out there know what it means? i didn't until today at school. a guy i know from science class came up to kayla and i this morning and started yelling "happy 4/20!" he had it on his shirt, and he had one of those blow-up hammers that he was hitting people with. so i asked around, and i found out that happy 4/20 (4th month, 20th day) is national weed day. or something like that. basically it's weed day. so all the people in my school today were yelling happy 4/20 and talking about how they were all gonna go get "baked" tonight...i'm assuming that means extremely high off weed!?
and i gotta say that i do not like alcohol, drugs, smoking, etc. i just don't agree with it. and i'm not gonna go into a long rant and rave about everything about it here, because i don't need to and i'm, well, honestly, too lazy to do so right now. but i can say that hearing this all day got pretty tiring. and it made me really sad, to hear about all the people who were going to go get high. or who were already high.
i know there are a lot of dangerous things that happen during your life including drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex, etc. i hear about it everyday. but for some reason today it just got to me...and by the end of the day i was just so glad to be out of there so i didn't have to hear all the plans about people getting high.
and you know, some people go to extreme lengths to be liked by other people. take for example my friend mason. he was talking with some of these...people...that were going to get high. and he was talking like he had done it before and as if he was going to go out and do it tonight. and i was pretty shocked, i never knew that mason was like that. and honestly i didn't really expect it of him. so i was kinda confused, and i was pretty quiet during drama class. and during the middle of the class he came and sat with me and he's like "what's up katelynn?" and i said, really openly, that i was thinking about all the people that were going to go out and get high. and that i was trying to figure out if he was lying about all that or if was dead serious. and he told me that he was just making it up, he was just goofing around with it. but that he did kinda want to try it. and honestly it worried me. i don't like to see anyone doing that kind of thing, but it makes it so much harder when it's a friend. and a pretty good one at that.
thankfully after school he told me that yes he was just joking and he was not planning on doing that tonight. thank goodness. i just hope he doesn't.

The Pains of Being the Oldest

2007-04-19T22:00:00.001-06:00

in case you don't get it from the picture, i am incredibly mad right now. why else would i do skull and crossbones? that's not really like me.
problem is, i don't really know why i'm so angry. yes there are a few things in the last hour or so that have just ticked me right off, but i never knew such little things could make me so angry! and it's strange because about an hour and a half ago i was fine, laughing with my friends in a car, having the best time of my life, laughing so hard i almost peed myself...
and now i need to run. which, in katelynn language, means either that i'm incredibly sad or incredibly angry.
and right now i'm down-right angry!
part of it is that i feel like my parents run. my. life.
periods for emphasis.
but really!
they plan like everything for me, especially lately. they don't even ask for my input! it's just do this now. you don't have a choice. and sometimes it's not horrible things, i mean, they're going out of town this weekend and letting me stay here. and i love that. that's what i wanted. but there are some things where they are just like no. this is how it's going to work. and there really isn't a reason why! i hate it! it royally ticks me off!
i don't know.
maybe it's because i'm the oldest. the guinea pig. the test run. i know they don't mean for it to be like that, but i think it's one of those things that you can't really help. it just happens.
i hate being the oldest...in some ways.
i'm growing up! there's nothing they can do about it. and lately it seems like they've just figured out that i am growing up, and now all of the sudden they are trying to hold me back. and the more the push me to stay, the more i want to spread my wings and fly. for some reason we just can't find a balance.

i waited too long to write this post. i lost all my fire and spark. it's not nearly as interesting as i wanted it to be. sorry.

Renovations

2007-04-18T20:53:00.001-06:00

well it finally happened. i changed my blog.
*gasp*
i actually never thought i would do it.
but then i changed some of the font colors...
and then i just decided i wanted a white background!
i kinda like it actually.
just a little more basic.
simplistic.
i like it.

Sometimes

2007-04-17T21:38:00.001-06:00

my goal, for a while now, has been to make someone's day everyday. to make people feel special. to just be nice, in general. to give someone a smile when they're frowning. to be someone's up when they are down. to be the light in the dark.

some days i think it's going great...other days i'm not so sure.

sometimes it's hard to make other people smile when i can't.

sometimes i'm a really good actress.

sometimes my act falls apart.

sometimes i do things right.

sometimes i do things wrong.

sometimes i know that i hurt people.

sometimes i don't.

sometimes i care.

sometimes i don't.

sometimes i cry.

sometimes i yell.

sometimes i let it all out.

sometimes no one knows.

sometimes i spill my guts.

sometimes it's a secret.

sometimes i turn to other things.

sometimes i remember not to.

sometimes i pray.

sometimes i don't.

sometimes i feel like i'm worth something.

sometimes i don't.

sometimes i'm the world to someone.

sometimes i'm not.

sometimes i listen.

sometimes i don't shut up.

sometimes i know where i'm going.

sometimes i'm lost.

sometimes i'm smart.

sometimes i'm dumb.

sometimes i sing happy songs.

sometimes i sing sad songs.

sometimes i'm very thankful for this blog and for the people that know about it.

sometimes i wish no one knew the address.

Still Alive

2007-04-17T18:43:00.001-06:00

ok it's been a little while...but i'm still here. i'm still breathing, my heart is still beating. some days it feels like my heart can't take much more, but just when i think it will break in a zillion pieces somebody comes along and puts the pieces back together. and, slowly but surely, the pieces are starting to stay together...
i joined the track team. sprints and relays. i don't know if i'll be able to do any mini-meets, as they are on thursdays...so it will depend on what time exactly they run at the specific meets. but i don't have to go to meets if i don't want to. which is nice. i can just run. fun.
who's to say what's impossible...is this how it's supposed to be
-"upside down" by jack johnson

Third Post Today!

2007-04-07T20:43:00.001-06:00

I believe- that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

At My Grandparents House

2007-04-07T20:25:00.001-06:00

currently i am at my grandparents house...on their computer...how strange is that!?
we came for easter dinner. it was yummy! there was salad and veggies and turkey and dressing and potatoes and gravy and buns and this swiss bean casserole stuff and meatballs (random yes, but they were yummy!) and strawberries and carrots and turnips (yuck!) and then for dessert there were raisin tarts and saskatoon berry tarts, with whipped cream...the saskatoon berry ones were awesome. so i gotta say that i am officially stuffed...and i even ate small portions of everything! literally. i had a tiny scoop of almost everything. and now i'm extremely full. and tomorrow i get to do it all over again...joy...well kinda yes because i know it will be so yummy...but i get so full. but my strategy of just having a little bit of everythings seems to be working. this way i eat food, and i get to taste everything which is satisfying...the whole next part would be and i'm not bursting full...which i'm not...but i'm still very very full. not always fun. it makes me feel sort of sick sometimes. yeah sometimes food makes me feel sick which really is dumb because then i don't want to eat because it makes me feel sick but then i need to eat so that people see me eating and they don't think i'm anorexic...but yeah. why do i need to eat for other people?? i shouldn't have to. but often i feel like i do.
i really should go be social, but my cousins are all watching tv, which i can't do, and the adults aren't talking about anything interesting downstairs...and plus they have the tv on so i have to turn my back which is a bit awkward i guess. and boring. i would rather sit here and blog. even though my parents would probably be mad if they knew i was on my grandparents computer...but hey what else am i going to do!?
today keith came over and we made erin a bunny cake...ok well keith did most of it haha but i helped! i did...but he did do most of it. it was his idea, and i didn't wanna do some of it; i was scared i would mess it up. i was there for moral support haha. and then we gave her the cake and she was so happy it was awesome.
the only bad part of my day really has been the fact that while keith was over my sister was being extremely annoying in the fact that she was teasing keith and i. as in "katelynn and keith...oooh la la...hit her butt keith...can you feel the love tonight" etc. and watching us...like spying. it was very uncalled for. it's not like they've never met keith before! maybe it's because my cousins were over and they were fascinated by the fact that i had a boy over. and my parents weren't home. and then they decided to make us iced tea...and give us one glass with two straws...to make it romantic. pfft like we haven't shared a drink before honestly. it got pretty annoying after a while though. sometimes i can take the teasing...and at first it didn't really bother me, i'm kinda used to it. and i figured that if i didn't show a reaction, then they would stop. but one of my sisters didn't...and i got really mad...at one point i was like stop now or i will dump the iced tea on your head. that shut her up for a couple minutes, but then she was back at it again...so i cornered her on the couch and talked very quietly and (hopefully) intimidatingly. i didn't want to scare her too badly, but enough was enough. and i wanted it to stop NOW. i can only take so much of the teasing! especially when some of it is just plain uncalled for. so my mom gets to hear about it tonight, which i told my sister was going to happen. not to scare her much, but i can't enforce much change in her behaviour, but my mother can. and the things that happend today were really uncalled for. no need for me to be even more embarrassed by my own family. that's two days in a row now, by the same sister. it just can't get any worse. although tonight my family started talking about what it would be like when i brought a boyfriend to the family gatherings...and i said it couldn't be worse than what my sister did. then my mom gave me a look and i said we'd talk later tonight...so there's that.
so anyways i think i should go be social now...and maybe eat another chocolate egg.

Erin Michelle Baldwin

2007-04-07T09:15:00.000-06:00

to my deartest enji, on her sweet sixteen...

E is for empathetic
R is for raquetball
I is for intelligent
N is for never-ending-ball-of-energy

darlin you are such a sweetie. you have a heart of gold and you're always doing things that will make other people happy. you're always looking out for everybody else. you're so compassionate...when you see someone else crying, you cry along with because your heart hurts for them. i admire you so much for these things, and many others.
such as the fact that you work on your relationship with God, and are making such an effort to be obedient to him in every way, shape, and form. you amaze me with your insight on human life, and the way the you perceive things.
thank you for loving me for who i am, and for accepting my crazyness...and for being crazy along with me.
thanks for all the good times, and for the ones that i'm sure are to come.
i love you!

Don't They Know?

2007-04-04T17:45:00.001-06:00

there's this girl that i know...she's a year younger than me, but was in my class when i was in grade four. it was a split class, so she was grade three. now she goes to my high school.
and last night i saw her outside our old elementary school, smoking.
some days i just wonder, what brings people to do that? don't they know or care how bad it is for them?
i just don't understand.

Growling Stomach

2007-04-04T11:37:00.001-06:00

i'm hungry...so hungry...and there's still half an hour until lunch...

well this morning we had a presentation thinger...by a group called absolute. they are all about people being good or something...i don't really know...people told stories about their lives and how they rose above drugs and alcohol, or death, or abuse and stuff like that. and we heard all these stats, and learned about child poverty, and watched some hillbilly stuff (haha good times) and listened to stereotrap...they were pretty cool i guess.

anyways that's been my day so far and i don't really have anything else to say, i just wanted to update. only one and a half more days of school...this afternoon and tomorrow. thank goodness tomorrow is a short day...i'm ready for a break. and i'm excited! hopefully lots of stuff will happen. although i still can't watch tv or movies...i miss my movies!

this is pointless. oh well, it goes along with the name of my blog.

Jealousy

2007-04-01T22:18:00.001-06:00

i hate feeling jealous, because i know that it is wrong. i know that i am not supposed to feel that way. and often when i do feel that way, my feelings aren't really justified; they don't have a good reason of being there.

i have a problem with jealousy...and i've known it for a while. and tonight it just kinda struck me--as i became jealous, once again. and all of the sudden it was like, why am i feeling this way? i don't need to.

so i'm working on not being jealous anymore. yes it's been about an hour since i decided that...but it's something that i really need to work on. a big downfall of me as a person is jealousy, it is definately a problem area in my life. and it needs to disappear! so that's why i'm working on. so i looked up what the BIBLE had to say about being jealous, and here's what i found...

Surely resentment destroys the fool, and jealousy kills the simple.

Job 5:2

For I can see that you are full of bitter jealousy and are held captive by sin.

Acts 8:23

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Galations 5:19-21

For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

James 3:15-16

so pray for me as i work hard to not be jealous...it won't be an easy task. and i know that! but i'm willing to work for it.

Prayer

2007-03-31T21:08:00.001-06:00

FATHER YOUR LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL. IT IS EXTRAVAGANT. IT IS INTIMATE.
YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE, CLOSER THAN A BROTHER...
NO MATTER HOW FAR AWAY YOU FEEL TO ME, YOU ARE CLOSER THAN IT APPEARS.
YOU HOLD THE WHOLE WORLD IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND, AND AMAZINGLY, I AM THERE TOO.
YOU CARE ABOUT ME AND EVERY SINGLE THING THAT GOES ON IN MY LIFE.
YOU DRIVE MY CAR OF LIFE...AND I AM IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, THE STUDENT DRIVER.
YOU SING MY SONG...I ONLY SING THE HARMONY.
YOU WRITE MY STORY...IF ONLY I WILL GIVE UP THE PEN.
FATHER YOU HAVE THINGS PLANNED FOR ME IN MY LIFE THAT I CANNOT FATHOM, YOU HAVE PLANS THAT I CAN ONLY DREAM OF. YOU KNOW MY EVERY THOUGHT; YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL SAY BEFORE I SAY IT. YOU KNOW WHEN I STAND AND WHEN I LAY DOWN. YOU KNOW HOW MANY HAIRS ARE ON MY HEAD...
JESUS YOU KNOW WHEN THE SMALLEST OF SPARROWS FALL TO THE GROUND...
LORD GOD YOU ARE HOLY AND AWESOME, YOU CREATED THE EARTH AND ALL THAT IS IN IT.

WE STAND AND LIFT UP OUR HANDS
FOR THE JOY OF THE LORD IS OUR STRENGTH
WE BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP HIM NOW
HOW GREAT, HOW AWESOME IS HE
AND TOGETHER WE SING, EVERYONE SING
HOLY IS THE LORD GOD ALMIGHT
THE EARTH IS FILLED WITH HIS GLORY
~holy is the lord by chris tomlin

My Story

2007-03-28T17:45:00.001-06:00

ok guys...in light of the past couple days, i'm thinking that i need to get this out to y'all. i know that the people reading this are trusted friends, so i'm not worried about it getting spread all over in the wrong way. but if you do have questions about it, please ask me. putting it on this blog is just the easiest way to explain it right now, without having to tell it five different times.

it mostly started in grade 9, last year. it started because i was pressured to look like that, to act like that. everyone around me looked like that, and i wanted to look like that too. i wanted the attention (mainly from guys) that the others got. guys gave the pretty, skinny girls the most attention, and i wanted them to notice me, to talk to me and notice me even when my friends weren't around. to see me for me, not for who i hang out with. and so since i believed that i wasn't pretty and couldn't do anything to change that, i figured i could just be skinny and that would be enough. hence the reason i ate very little. this also caused me to develop a phobia of eating in front of people, which made me not eat much even when i was with people that said they didn't care how fat/skinny i was.
last year was pretty hard for me, because i knew what i was doing and i knew that it was bad for me, but at the same time, i couldn't stop. people noticed that i was skinny and i did get complimented on it. i didn't want the compliments to stop.
i took all my reassurance about myself and my self worth from guys and the way that they saw/perceived me, and the way that they treated me. the more attention they gave me, the better i looked...or so i thought.
thankfully, because i knew how harmful i was/could be to myself, i didn't go too far. i don't know if i was ever completely anorexic...my weight never went terribly significantly down, and there were very few days when i didn't eat anything; generally i would at least eat a bit of lunch and some supper.
a lot of people called me anorexic last year because they never saw me eat. a lot of people tried to force feed me, and this just turned me away from food even more. i learned to eat enough to fool people into thinking that i was eating enough. i knew enough about anorexia and how it affects the people involved to know how to get around it. i've read a lot on the topic, espeically in the last year, and i could tell someone almost exactly how to be anorexic and not have people notice for quite a long time. not really a good thing to know, but i know it. but on the other hand, i also know all the problems with it and all the side effects and such. but that's beside the point.
i have hit a few points in the last year and a bit where i get very upset, and just decide that i really want to be anorexic. where i actually wanted to give up food. and there was even a point where i ate very very little for a few weeks, and maybe at that point i really was anorexic. i don't know. but i do know that it's over now. and i'd like to tell you how that happened.
early in february, i had decided for some reason or another that i actually wanted to be anorexic, and my goal was actually to become anorexic when i came back from maui. i knew i could hide it from people for a long time, and i wanted to see just how well i could pull it off. in a way, i suppose it was like a challenge for me. but at the same time, i knew that it was wrong, and i struggled with it a lot in maui--which caused my maui diet to wreck havoc; some days i ate way too much, some days i probably didn't eat enough. but then when i got back...i changed my mind and decided that it wasn't worth it. i was tired of struggling so much with anorexia/eating disorders, i knew it was wrong to hurt my body like that, and i was sick and tired of eveything that it brought to me and all the pain that it caused me. i had known that this beast had a hold on me for a long time, and i was ready to break the chains, to snap its hold on me. so, on february 20th, i was sitting in my bed and i finally gave it over to God and was like ok God i give up i'm giving this to you. and i thought about what robyn always says, about how God breaks her. and so i told God that he could break me whenever, that i was ready and i wanted it to be over. and i was expecting the breaking to happen in a couple weeks...but what do you know it happened that night. all of the sudden i was sitting up in my bed, crying my eyes out, and i could just feel God talking to me and taking it away. and i just gave it to him and prayed and prayed. and then all of the sudden, i stopped and listened...and i couldn't hear the little voice in my head anymore. there was no annoying little voice saying that i needed to weigh less. in fact, all i could hear was silence. and it was the nicest sound i have ever heard.
i'm convinced that it was God, and the whole experience is recorded in my prayer journal...that was the night i started my prayer journal.
the end!

just wanted to let you know my story. it really is over, i truly believe that. i am finally free from a beast that held a hold on me for over a year. it ran my life...but it doesn't any longer.

and i finally figured out why the song surrender made me cry all the time. because the lyrics are all about surrendering...and i hadn't surrendered everything, when i thought that i had. the song doesn't make me cry anymore. it only makes me think of this night, and everything that has happened in my life that revolved around this eating disorder.

i'm giving you my heart
and all that is within
i lay it all down
for the sake of you my king
i'm gving you my dreams
i'm laying down my rights
i'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life
and i surrender all to you, all to you
and i surrender all to you, all to you
i'm singing you this song
i'm waiting at the cross
and all the world holds dear
i count it all as loss
for the sake of knowing you
the glory of your name
to know the lasting joy
even sharing in your pain
and i surrender all to you, all to you
and i surrender all to you, all to you

You Know You're a Band Geek When...

2007-03-26T20:49:00.001-06:00

you hear that you made musicfest canada. and you cheer. in the middle of class.

yes ok i admit it to the world--I AM A BAND GEEK! i freely admit this to you all, right here on my blog.

haha good thing it's not more public. there's only a couple dedicated readers out there...i think.

anyways! today our band found out that we have been invited to musicfest canada...basically the national competition for concert bands, i guess you could say. this is a HUGE accomplishment for us, being a new band and all this year. we went to our first festival a couple weeks ago, and all three adjudicators gave us A's, which was the cause for our invitation!

the invitation is good for two years, so either next year or the year after we'll go. next year it's in ottawa, the year after, in vancouver. i'm extremely excited, no matter where we go. it'll be probably just under a week long, and we'll fly. how exciting!

maybe this will convince everyone to stay in band now.

My Billet Girls

2007-03-26T17:21:00.001-06:00

wow this weekend was insane, and i am so tired from it! but it was amazing and i don't think i would trade it for anything. so let's see saturday i didn't do much, just hung around the house and did some chores oh and got ready for the billet girls who came saturday night! they were so awesome i loved them. i've only known them for a couple days (and they're on their way home right now) but already i feel like we are really good friends. as one of them said "how nice to meet as strangers and to leave as friends that have had awesome talks!" or something like that she said. so i had a really great time with them. it's really fun to be a billet host family, especially when you get girls as nice as these ones were. they were my "rad billet girls" as i called them! haha and we were their home away from home, their saskatoon home, and their twin house...haha such good times. i wished they lived here so i could hang out with them...but if they lived here, we never would have met under these circumstances! so i guess they have to live in edmonton...oh well. we're planning on keeping in touch through e-mail, so it should be good.

Poster Making, Flirting, and a Surprise

2007-03-24T00:10:00.001-06:00

so tonight at youth we made posters and banners and stuff to decorate the gym with for the taco lunch on sunday. it was so much fun! i was painting all night practically, and having a grand time with it all! i painted lots of stuff...and had my face painted...yeah i had green, red, and black paint ALL OVER my face. literally. it was pretty crazy. i was just supposed to have a green dot on my nose...but, well, when you let keith do it, what do you really expect? haha oh well i didn't mind. it felt kinda neat actually to have all that paint on my face, especially when it dried and cracked when i scrunched up my face. and then for small groups lyn was talking about flirting with guys...and you know i've been thinking about this issue actually over the last...oh, i don't know, about a year now i guess. and i have made some changes, i think, in the way i act around guys. and i think part of that is because i'm a different person now, and i'm closer to God, and i think it also has to do with keith...but yeah. i don't feel like i'm as much of a flirt now as i was before. but i know that i still do flirt, and i gotta say, it's hard not to! especially when everyone else is doing it, and that's the way i've always acted. but i truly do want to be different than all the other girls out there, and i don't want to be leading guys on. because i know thta it will end up hurting them, or making a big mess of a situation. so i'm working on it. i realize that it's a work in progress, and i'll probably never be perfect. but hopefully i won't be breaking guys hearts because i'm leading them on!
so that's the first two parts of my title. the third part, the surprise (well the surprise to me, i don't know if it was the one steph was talking about...) is that kent is in town for the week! ahh i missed the kid so much! it was awesome when he came tonight for a couple minutes, he put his hands over my eyes and said guess who, and i turned around and i was like KENT!! then i stood up and practically jumped on him to give him a super big hug. chatted with him for a couple minutes before he had to go...and i hate goodbyes...but he said that he was coming on sunday to the taco lunch which is awesome, and he'll be here all week, so hopefully i can hang out with him!
it's gonna be one crazy weekend, but i'm up for it!

Going Back In Time

2007-03-22T21:42:00.001-06:00

a friend challenged me tonight to think about my past, and where a major issue in my life came from...i've recently gotten over the issue, thanks to GOD and a couple wonderful friends...but now i'm really being challenged to discover where this beast came from and why. this involves going back into my past...and i'm not so sure what i might find there.

Fighting a Losing Battle

2007-03-20T18:42:00.001-06:00

what to do, what to do...how do you reach out and tell someone that it's not working? how do you tell them that their priorities seem to be in the wrong place? how do you tell them that they broke a promise? how do you tell them that something needs to change? how do you tell them that you are hurting, and that it's their fault?

life is all about change, about growing up, about adapting, about making friends, maybe losing friends...but i don't want to lose friends! and i don't think that this one needs to go.

but something needs to change...because something is not right. but how do i bring this to light? i don't want this to blow up in anyone's face, but is that the only way? it's a big thing, and it's going to take a lot of care and attention to fix. are we ready to commit to that?

and on top of all that, i've been getting these tugs at my heart...these emotions that swell up within me...i feel like GOD is talking to me...but i have no idea what he's saying! i'm so inexperienced about feeling him, about listening to his voice...how do i know that this is real? and how do i figure out what he is saying to me?

FATHER I THINK THESE TUGS ARE YOU...WHAT ELSE COULD THEY BE? I'VE ONLY FELT LIKE THIS A COUPLE TIMES BEFORE, AND THOSE TIMES IT WAS YOU...
JESUS I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME! I AM STILL, I AM WAITING, AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOD...BUT IT DOESN'T ALWAYS MAKE THE WAIT ANY EASIER. I WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER GOD, BECAUSE MAYBE IT WILL HELP THIS SITUATION, AND OTHER PEOPLE. THERE MUST BE AN ANSWER TO THIS, CAN'T YOU JUST GIVE IT TO ME?
SO I'M SITTING, AND I'M WAITING...
I AM STILL. I AM LISTENING.
PLEASE SPEAK TO ME FATHER...I WANT TO KNOW YOU, I WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE...AND I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO TELL ME.
PLEASE GIVE US THE ANSWER...

Come to Me

2007-03-19T20:32:00.001-06:00

i just gotta say that i absolutely love it when people come to me and tell me all their problems. not that i wish my friends would have problems...but i know it's inevitable that they will. and so i have to say, i love it that they come to me with all their woes and worries. not because it necessarily makes me feel good...friends having problems does not make me feel good! however, it does make me feel as if i'm some sort of use, as if i'm helping them out, when i can give advice, or just be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. or even just someone who will listen to them rant and rave (as i so often do to myself!). so maybe i am just saying...that i'm always here to listen. and i listen because i care so much, and i just want to help. so come to me if you need someone! i can be many different things, just tell me what you want and "your wish is my command"!

Me in Maui

2007-03-18T09:41:00.000-06:00

this is seriously one of the best pictures of me i've ever had...so enjoy! if you want copies, let me know! (kidding, i don't think quite that highly of myself)

Update

2007-03-17T16:09:00.001-06:00

ok grace this is just because you asked for it so here goes my boring update.

ok well so thursday i went on the band trip...yes i am a band nerd...haha actually it was really fun. way better than i thought it was going to be. i sat at the back of the bus with some friends and a bunch of grade nine's and actually it was really fun. convinced mark not to quite band!! woot woot! and he's kinda a leader in that group, so maybe none of them will quit now...see i do good things! like helping people not quit band...yeah anyways. so grace and i definately ate a whole bunch of junk...so here is a picture:

yes it is lovely i know. we had coffee/hot chocolate, doritos, cheezies, m&m's, chinese food, ice cream, poutine, orange julius...probably more junk...yeah band trips are our fat days. can i join the fat club now?? haha

ok and then on friday which was a day off (woot woot) i played settlers with jeff and keith. and i won. but i actually had to work for my win this time! and it was their first time playing cities and knights...i think i teach settlers too well. i've given away all my tricks...now all they do is block katelynn so she doesn't "explode"...it's frustrating sometimes to play with people when all they do is spoil your plans. and then you spoil one of their plans...and you think revenge is so sweet...but it's not. it really isn't. i do not get joy out of revenge. i realy don't.

on another note...nicole is getting her braces on monday. how exciting. haha i'm sorta laughing at her...because i know what she will go through. but on the other hand, i feel bad for her...because i know what she will go through. so i guess i'm just sorta neutral about that whole thing.

but i don't really know why i'm posting, considering i have nothing to say, and a whole pile of homework waiting for me...so there you go grace. there's my sad little update for ya. comment your heart out. man i need something good to post about. somebody please give me a topic i can rant and rave about!

Letters

2007-03-12T22:47:00.001-06:00

i swear i'm going to have nightmares about writing all those addresses on those letters...it was a lot of writing!

I Don't Understand

2007-03-11T16:44:00.001-06:00

I hate it when i can't understand something. i absolutely hate it. it's one thing for my parents to say no to something, it's another for them not to have a reason. or a very bad reason. or for them to have a reason, and when i ask them to explain it to me, they say something like "you'll understand when you're older" or "because we said so" or "we're more comfortable this way". it really frustrates me! and i've had a whole lot of it lately. basically because keith asked me if i wanted to hang out this afternoon. he had some stuff planned and it sounded like a really fun time, and i was really looking forward to it. but my parents said no. and all because the plan was for it to be just keith and i hanging out. we hadn't invited anyone else, we wanted to do some stuff that we had been talking about for a while, and crazy stuff that belonged to insiders. and my parents said no purely because we wouldn't be in a group situation. so naturally once they finally told me that keith and i tried to find people to hang out with, therefore making it a group situation and allowing me to be a part of it. but no such luck, it was too late. everyone already had plans or homework or something. so we both ended up spending the afternoon at our respective houses, quite bored. which is dumb, because we wouldn't have been bored if we were together! i don't really understand why my parents said no. like in some ways i get it, they don't want me to be alone with a guy, blah blah blah. but we were gonna be at his house, and his parents were there (and yes i told my parents that) so i don't really get it. he's been here when my parents have been home, what's the difference between my house and his house, other than at my house my parents can watch us like hawks? plus it's not like we had anything dirty in mind...we didn't, i can assure you. other than dating behind their backs, we've never done anything to cause them not to trust either of us, especially when we're together. and i keep telling them--we don't want to hang out because we're trying to get around the no dating rule. that's not our intentions. we just want to hang out and spend time together because we enjoy each other's company. we have a lot of fun together...but it's pretty hard to keep a friendship going with someone when you're not allowed to see them outside of group situations. i'm scared that i'm gonna lose him as a friend if i never get to spend any quality time with him. the only time we see each other is for mexico meetings, youth, church, and worship practice. and we don't even talk that much! well we talk but we don't like do anything, it's all group situations...to nurture a relationship (and i'm purely talking about friendship here) you have to spend some quality time with people...and i don't want to lose him.

The Producers

2007-03-08T14:34:00.000-06:00

so last night keith and i went to see The Producers at centennial auditorium...oh pardon me, teachers credit union place...anyways. the show was so good! i had never seen the movie, so it was all new to me. but it was funny, and the actors were good, the music was good, the sets and lighting was awesome...it was just a really good show. they did a really good job of it, i was impressed. and so was everyone else in the audience! it really is a funny show. and keith and i had a really good time, we laughed almost throughout the whole entire show! it was really nice to go see that with him. and i'm glad my parents let me go. they were thinking about it, because "it has all the components of a date" as my mother said. but it wasn't a date. at least, i don't think it was. it can't be. it wasn't, simple as that. but we did have a really good time. every time i hang out with him or spend any time with him it always reminds me of why i love spending time with him, and always makes me wish that we hung out more. but alas we don't. wait why am i complaining, i see him at least three times a week. anyways the show was just really awesome and hanging out with keith was a blast. probably one of the funniest parts was right when the show was about to start. keith had never been to see anything professional there, in fact, he had never been to tcup ever. so when the lights started going down and the curtain was about to rise he starts bouncing in his seat and going "ooh! ooh! it's starting! it's starting! this is so exciting!" he was just like a kid in a candy store...the look in his eyes was pure joy and amazement. gotta love it when people get such enjoyment out of the little things in life. what a hoot.