This Is Me

i feel so torn and confused, it's like there's this inner conflict and battle within me. and for once when i say that, i don't mean spiritually. i just don't know what i feel, i don't know how to define my emotions and the feelings going through me head. i don't know what they are, if i have a valid reason for feeling them...and they keep changing! it's truly an emotional rollercoaster. and it bugs me! because it seems that just when i get one feeling figured out, a new one comes along. it's all so confusing.

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i feel so miserable. and it's because of this whole keith thing!! and i'm probably making a really big deal out of this; too big a deal of this. but too bad, this is my blog, my inner self, so i can say whatever i want! because this is me.

i feel miserable when i haven't talked to keith for a while. like, it's so bad. i get miserable when i haven't talked to him for a day. it sounds like i'm obsessed...which really i'm not. i just miss him, that's all. i just miss being able to talk to him every day. i just enjoy spending time with him, or talking to him that much. and that scares me, that i like being with him that much. because that's never happened to me before.

but i feel miserable when i'm with him, too, because there are things that are just awkward; and it's not even just the fact that nothing really physical can happen, because that's not such a big deal. but it's just the fact that we're so close...but yet not. so i guess it is physical...not really a physical longing or anything like that. just...i don't know. the fact that i feel like everyone's watching me...and judging me.

hey pumpkin.

that kind of thing.
i don't really know how to explain it. but that's how it is.

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so one thing that i've figured out lately is that when things are constantly on my mind, i'm afraid. that there is something about it that scares me. and this situation with keith is on my mind a lot. and i just keep going over it and going over it...and i figured out why it scares me. and it takes so much to admit this...
but this is my blog. my inner thoughts. i can say anything i want...because it's just for me.
...i'm afraid that keith will stop liking me. and that we won't get a chance to actually go out. and everyone's saying "if it's meant to be it will happen" and all that. and i know that. and i believe that. but it's still hard to work with sometimes.
but i trust keith.
i know that he'll tell me if he doesn't like me anymore. i just have to keep trusting the fact that he'll be honest with me. and i need to give this up to GOD...because as much as i want this to happen (in like 226 days or something like that)...it scares me so bad. and i don't need that hanging over my head for the next 7 months.

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so more about my food issue...
it's really hard because the media and stuff tells you that you hafta be a certain size, you have to look a certain way. and i try not to listen to that. and i think i do a pretty good job of it. but it's harder to ignore the fact that everyday, everywhere, almost everyone around me is skinny or thin or worried about their weight and how many calories this is and how many grams of fat and whatnot.

it's retarded!!

and even the people around me...like they say they don't care how fat/skinny i am. and i know they love me for who i am on the inside. but my physical appearance does have some affect on the people around me, whether they realize it or not. and i hate it when people talk about calories around me...well not the general topic, i'm alrite with that now. but when they turn to me and go "why are you eating that it's gonna make you fat" and it's like i know just let me eat and leave me alone!!! or when they say "you look like you've gained weight"....it hurts so much.

and it's partially my fault, cuz i haven't let them in, they don't know how extensive this problem is for me. but i don't even know how bad this is a problem for me, i don't know how much of a hold this thing has on me...i really don't know. and that scares me. one more thing to give up to GOD...

i thought i was over this.
how come i can't let it go?

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so there you have it. my spilling of my life. the things that scare me right now. but hey...it was just for me. i can say whatever i want here. my inner thoughts.
what can i say?

this is me.

Lonliness

i absolutely hate the feeling that i am feeling right now. i've felt it before, and can't stand it. but i can't remember how to get rid of it!! last time i think i just waited it out...just sat quietly and waited for it to leave me alone. but i don't want to do that this time. i want it to leave me alone--NOW!

i guess i should explain what this feeling is. well, it's the feeling of lonliness. but not lonliness because no one is around me, because i'm not fighting with anyone. it's the feeling when you are surrounded by people, but yet feel all alone. not connecting on the same level that i normally am.

my relationships with people are fine. well, at least they seem fine, but maybe i need to examine them closer because if i am feeling alone there is something wrong, somehwere in life. i just don't know where in my life it is.

so i guess i'm just wandering, looking into things but not taking the time to really explore the areas of my life, and in not taking that time, i am letting important things (and relationships) rot away on me.

so in an answer to my own question, i guess i just need to take the time to examine my life.

and once i've done THAT, i'll be back with more questions. because i know there will be things in every aspect of my life that i need to work out.

so here goes nothing.

walking around in the dark...i've never been good at that.

will someone please loan me a flashlight?

Just Food

i hate myself sometimes.

first, i'm doing so good with food issues, that i'm eating healthy foods and generally healthy portions.

then, i go home and pig out on anything and everything.

so much for being a healthy size/weight by eating right.

and then i get so mad at myself that i don't eat for a while!! but then food looks so good, that i binge again!

it's like i can't control the way i eat!

it's either way too much, or not enough.

doesn't help that i don't like to eat in front of people. i'm still way too cautious about what people might think about me.

i don't want people to judge me.

even though it's just food.

Darn Age

so i officially think that my mother is out to get me and make my life miserable!!

well ok not really maybe i guess but still sometimes it just seems like she's right and i'm wrong, and we can't even meet a happy middle. and that frustrates me!! because if i can't be fully right, i want to be partially right!
like this whole dating thing. ok. i went behind their back. that was wrong. i get that. i understand that, what they told me about it, blah blah blah. so i did what they wanted. and from then until now, i've actually been pretty good! like i haven't like gone against them majorly or anything.

except maybe not getting off the phone quite when they want.

but anyways, it just frustrates me. because i'm stuck in this spot and i don't know what to do with it. because like ok keith and i are like really close and all...and how can i help but want to go out with him? and he feels the same and all. so sometimes it's hard or awkward because it's like what do you do because as much as you talk and grow closer as friends, you can't be anymore. and yeah well maybe it's not time for that but how do i know because all i can say is that i can't even really give it an option or thought, because i won't be allowed to take it further if it does work out!

so i guess all i can say is that it makes me mad that i have to be the "magic age" aka 16 before i can date...which, to me, i think it should be more a maturity thing than an age thing. i mean, i would be perfectly happy even if we could come to a compromise or something. say that i have to wait until i'm 15 and 1/2, i don't know. but just to say no you can't date until you're 16...and to me it feels like she's not even considering what i think or feel about the situation. because all she keeps saying to me whenever i ask her about it or question that rule is "no you need to give it time and time will help" and she just keeps talking about time. and i don't get it!

i don't know. i just don't even know what to think. and i know i'm probably not being very "mature" about "whining and complaining" about this all the time...but it's pretty hard not to wonder about stuff when it's not making sense in my head! even though i may not agree with it, they still need to explain it to me so that i understand their reasoning and can at least say "this is what my parents say and why", not "my parents said this and it doesn't make any sense to me" so yeah.

grace says just to pray about it...and that makes sense, and i am doing that. but i'm still confused, and i still don't know what to do.

and it's a long eight months until i turn 16...

and maybe one reason why i'm all like "i wanna go out now" is because i don't wanna put pressure on either of us to feel like we HAVE to go out when i'm 16...i mean, i like him, he likes me. blah blah blah. but that's now. and you just never know...i guess i just want that feeling of security, ya know? i mean i know everyone's just gonna say "if it's meant to be it will happen, if he's the one then he'll wait" and all that stuff. but that's not very reassuring!! a lot can happen in eight months...

Forward

...what a shocker! a forward got to me?!?!

i got this as a forward the other day...and normally i find forwards pretty stupid, and i just read and hit delete! but this one hit me today...and it's making me think.

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
It isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
And brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.You must grow on your own!
But I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said..Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.