Waiting

as i sit here and wait for time to go by...i will blog. because erin wants me to.

ok well what can i say? i'm obsessed with facebook? nothing new.
my pants are dirty? well yes in fact, they are. they have four little yellow spots on them, and i don't have a clue what they are from.
i have awesome pink lemonade lipgloss? you bet!
i'm a nut? for sure.

alrighty. well what can i really say? how about...i'm bored with school? yes, me, the girl who would always say "i love school!"? yep, one and the same. school for me this year is just dragging by, and not holding up to it's usual excitement. i'm not sure if i changed or if just my attitudes changed, but suddenly i find myself bored and just wanting to go home. even though most of my friends are at school with me and even in my classes, i just do not want to be there. but i really need to find a way to get back into it, to enjoy school again. it makes the day, week, month, year, easier. so i guess that's what i'm struggling with right now.

okay this has wasted about two minutes of my time?

well tomorrow is halloween and at school the band is play "the headless horseman" and it is such a creepy song! nt going to lie. we're playing it for the pep rally. oh yay for shortened classes tomorrow morning! even though it means we have a pep rally. maybe this one will actually be good!

and i'm waiting some more, for time to go by...so i can go carve a pumpkin! yes, that is what i am waiting for. because tonight i am carving a pumpkin with keith. oh yes, it will be interesting. hopefully it actually turns out semi-good! ok, better than semi-good. good good.

is this enough for you erin?

Finished

volleyball is over. we had our last league game tonight, and because we lost, there is not a spot for us in the playoffs to get to quarter finals. so we're done. in some ways, i will miss it. i had fun playing, and i'm not sure if i will know what to do with myself and all my free time. on the other hand, i'm glad to be done. i'm ready to have that time again. and soon it will be filled with basketball, so i suppose i should take the extra time while i can.

tonight i feel very strange. i don't feel like myself. i don't know how to explain how i feel...i just feel strange. i don't know what's wrong with me.

i think i'm just an odd ball.

True Colors

"True Colors" by Kalan Porter and Theresa Sokyrka

You with those sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Though I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it
And that darkness inside you makes you feel so small

But I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me your smile
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful
Like a rainbow

You're beautiful
I see your true colors
Just remember
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful
Beautiful
Like a rainbow
Like a rainbow

You're beautiful

Your true colors are beautiful

.

i was listening to this song today, and all of the sudden, it was like HEY! do people see my "true colors" shining through? it's something i've been thinking about on and off for a while. it started when we did that study at youth, when we talked about being set apart, authentic. and it made me think: am i authentic? and, you know, i don't think i was. and sometimes i still don't think i am. i'm working at it, i really am. but it takes time. and although that's not an excuse, it's true. but i do think that i am getting better at showing what i really think or feel or mean. i can only hope that i am. because i don't want to be a fake, a phony. it's so much easier to just be me.

no matter who that is.

I can't figure out accounting, so I'm blogging...

i feel so bad for not updating this blog very often. i have no idea how often people are reading this blog, but for anyone who checks it regularly, it must be pretty boring not to see anything new!

so what can i tell you that is new in my life...

well, this weekend i went to moose jaw for a volleyball tournament. we didn't do amazing, but we did play well and it was good for our team to play that much within a short time period. playoffs start next week, and the trounament was a good thing to prepare us for that.
volleyball has been pretty intense, especially this week. playoffs are next week, and we play two difficult teams this week--marion graham and bjm. uh-oh! cross your fingers for those.
oh and friday night? in moose jaw? four and a half hours of sleep. (the girls in my room wouldn't shut up.) and then i went and played volleyball all day saturday. then i went to bed at nine, and got up sunday morning at 6:45am! i had to be at the church by 7:30 sunday morning because our youth worship team played for the sunday morning worship service. and we actually did pretty good! there were no huge mistakes, and a lot of people came up to us afterwards and had a lot of good things to say.


...i'm really craving cupcakes right now. so tomorrow i am going to make some.

Four Months!

i forgot!

today was four months! yay! funny thing...i forgot! was hanging out with keith and all of the sudden he's like "soo we should go out for lunch today, it being four months and all". and i was like "OH! right!"

can you tell i forgot? wow. can't believe i actually forgot.

but it was a lot of fun. we went out to mano's and WOW food was really yummy!

annnd i also found out that we are going to phantom of the opera in april!! and guess what!? keith got front row tickets!!! ahh i am soooooo excited!!! it definately made my day today.

ok that's all.

Travelling

i realized tonight how much i love travelling, and how much i love doing it with my family.

i love being in a vehicle, i love just sitting and riding in the car. i can't explain it, i just love it.
and i love travelling with my family, because we put on the music and we sing. we just sing. i don't know what it is, but there's something in the combination of music, family, and travelling that makes it really special. and it's there everytime we're out on the road. even for a short trip, like to regina.

because i felt it tonight...and i remembered how much i love it.

Two Kinds of Rain Today

i don't like it. i feel almost completely alone. i feel neglected by a lot of people. i'm lonely. i'm hurting, because i feel shut out. i feel like no one wants to spend time with me.

i don't want to be in my house. i feel like i can't be myself in my house. i sleep in my house every night, i store my clothes there. my toothbrush is there, marking my place. it is a shelter from the cold outside. i see my bible beside my bed, i see the marks that i have left in my favorite rooms of the house. i see things i have left laying around. my house is not my security. yes, i am sheltered from elements and i feel safe from fires and thieves. but i am not secure in my house. i feel like i can't show my true self to my family. granted, i don't always know who she is...
i feel not allowed to feel.
i can't be mad in my house. i can't be upset in my house. i thought home was a place where you were supposed to feel totally comfortable, at ease, loved, able to be yourself...if that is true, then my house is not my home.

so where can i feel? where i can i take these thoughts, these feelings?

no where that i have found yet. and so they sit in my head, and they go round and round on the merry-go-rounnd that is my brain.

they bottle themselves into the bottles that i have hid away. hid away for a rainy day.

it rained today.

I Will Go On

i will go on
my past i leave behind me
i gladly take
his mercy and his love
he is joy, and he is peace
he is strength and sweet release
i know he is and i am his
i will go on

chorus of "i will go on" by gaither vocal band

Minot

home again, home again, after a fun-filled weekend in minot, north dakota.
not really much to say about it.
swam a bit. went down a cool waterslide. that was fun. sat in the hot tub. also enjoyable.
shopped a LOT. there were a lot of awesome sales on. so i got quite a bit of stuff for really cheap prices. quite happy with my purchases.

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sometimes i just feel like everything is falling in around me. it's like i have this perfect little world, my own world, my bubble. doses of reality, but never a full submersion into reality.

is that bad?

but i like my own little world. i am safe there.

but it's very strange to have my perfect little world, but to have things going on in reality, in other peoples lives, and to think "that could happen to me". but for some reason, it doesn't. i am blessed, lucky in that way. there are so many things that i see people dealing with, that i help people deal with, that i have never experienced in my own life.

so am i being favored, am i lucky, is it good?
or am i being babied, cheated, missing experiences that will shape my life? that will give me the expereience to deal with other things in life?

i am conflicted. there are thoughts running around in my head that i don't know what to think about. it's like a merry-go-round that has sped out of control. i see the same things, flashing before me again and again and again. but they won't slow down enough for me to get on a figure them out.

.

in some ways, i hate going away. i miss too much. and getting caught up is oh-so-difficult.