The Frustrations of School

AHHHHH!!!! SCHOOL IS DRIVING ME INSNAE!!! I AM WAY OVERWORKED!!!

ok katelynn. deep breaths. relax.

breathe in...
...breathe out.
breathe in...
...breathe out.

ok. i am just going a wee bit crazy over school. i mean, i love school and everything, i really do. i'm just feeling very smothered and overworked!! i am getting way more homework than i ever did last year...and there are so many other things that i am involved in that are taking up my evenings and time...
it's just too much!!! i can't handle it all!!! all the homework, and spending time with friends and family, and studying, and music, and sports, and babysitting, and all the other stuff i am involved in!! and GOD!! where does he fit into all this???

KATELYNN!! JUST GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, HERE, GIRL! YOU'VE ALWAYS PRIDIED YOURSELF ON GETTING YOUR STUFF DONE, BEING ABLE TO BE BUSY AND FIT EVERYTHING IN. MAKING TIME FOR EVERYTHING. YOU CAN DO THIS. JUST RELAX...

breathe in...
...breathe out.
breathe in...
...breathe out.

ok. so what i need to do is organize myself. use my day planner, even more than i have already been using it. schedule my time. make time for things. make sure i am eating and sleeping and look good, but make time for everything else that i need to do. pay attention in class, and use the class time to it's fullest. work hard in sports. be on time.
all this stuff...i can do this.
i think i can, i think i can, i know i can, i know i can...yes. i can do this. i can. and i will.

just relax...

breathe in...
...breathe out.
breathe in...
...breathe out.

Weight Issues

i am so sick and tired of weight and pounds!! i mean, why does everyone have to be skinny?? all the celebrities are like "oh yeah you have to be thin, you have to be this and that to be someone". well you don't! you can be heavier than 100 pounds! *gasp*! did i just say that it's possible to be more than 100 pounds??? you bet i did! why do you have to be thin to be someone, to look good, to be attractive, to feel important, whatever? it should be more about health, not to be the skinniest person alive! and i'm not saying that i want the world to be obese, because 1) that's slightly disgusting and 2) it's unhealthy! it should be more important to be healthy than to worry about how much you weigh. so you are a little "overweight". who cares, because you are eating healthy, you're active, and you're comfortable in your own skin! and that's a big part of it! being comfortable with you are. as the olay commercial goes, "love the skin you're in". and i agree with that. you should love your body. sure, there might be parts of it that youd don't like, but hey! you balance out, right? so you really don't like your nose, but you love your feet! you just gotta learn to love yourself.
i'm sick and tired of hearing people complain that they are fat.

on the other hand, i know that i have been like that, and i know i have said that i was fat. as much as i hate to admit it, i know that i have said that. but you know what? i'm different now. i'm getting over it. slowly but surely. making progress everyday. not that i was ever a hospitalized anorexic or anything. but i had my days when i was like "I'M FAT!!!" and then i wouldn't eat as much as i should. but those days are over!!! (or in the progress of being over).

on yet the OTHER hand (what!?!?!?! you're an alien and have THREE hands???) i find it really wierd when people tell you you're too skinny. like it makes sense when someone actually is like dangerously skinny. but sometimes people are telling me that i'm too skinny, and i'm around people the same size as me, and no one ever says that to them...it just makes me wonder. and it's not like i never eat in front of people, i do. i don't like to, but i do. it's stupid!!! (stupid stupid, in fact. ha.) i don't know. sometimes it just really bugs me. it's like "thanks for caring guys, and i love you too, but I'M PERFECTLY FINE!! LOOK AT ALL THE OTHER GIRLS AROUND YOU THAT YOU ARE ALSO SPENDING TIME WITH! THEY ARE THE SAME SIZE! GET ON THEIR CASE FOR ONCE!" and i mean, i know it's a--compliment??--to be called skinny or whatever...and i don't really mind when people come up and go "you're so thin!" because it makes me feel...nice? special? something like that. probably not a good thing, but i'll deal with that later. anyways, it's after that, when they go "i wish i could be like that!!" when they are only like a pound heavier than i am. or they go "you're so thin--too thin. you need to gain weight!!!" and then they shove food down your throat. which sometimes just makes me feel like i have some sort of problem. which i really don't think i do.


so basically, thanks to everyone for caring and for looking out for me and for having my back. and continue to do so, because i see things differently than you do, and i need people to watch out for me so i don't trip and fall, and can't get up by myself.

but at the same time...it's hard. food and weight are touchy subjects for me that i don't really like to talk about...because no one really seems to get it. but that's ok. i get it, for myself.

so let me be myself, let me be wierd. let me talk to myself and stare off into space and zone out. i'm fine. really. just sometimes, even when i'm in a group of people, i just need to be alone.

Long Weekend Blahs

ok. it's monday of the long weekend. i should be all peppy and excited about seeing my friends, laughing over memories of a great weekend, worried about school pictures and volleyball tryouts, and rested up from sleeping in for three days.

but i'm not.

sure, i'm excited to see my friends. but disappointed that i didn't get to spend time with them on the weekend. not laughing over great memories, because i didn't make any super important ones. sure, i had a great time hanging with my family, walking the beach with a super close cousin. i'm not even worried about school pictures or volleyball...now i know something's wrong. and i just haven't been sleeping well.

ok. so looking back on what i just wrote, maybe the weekend wasn't a complete waste of time. but i can't help looking back on it without sadness. you see, while we were at my cabin, my great aunt called, to tell us that my grandfather's only brother had passed away. it was really sad and hard, because my grandpa and grandma were really close to him. and they had just been out to see him a few days ago. they were overcome with memories and sadness...and it was so very hard to see them that way. i had never seen them like that before.

so the funeral is tomorrow. and my parents are going. my sister's and i are staying here, relying on friends to drive us around to the places we need to get to.

but it's kinda hard. the phone call came...and i answered the phone. i didn't know who it was, i didn't recognize my great-aunt's voice (because i don't know her very well). she asked for my grandpa or grandma...and i gave the phone to my grandma and she went to another room to talk. and we had just been joking around a few minutes ago...and after i handed off the phone, i looked at my grandpa. and he goes "it's lucille. i could here her voice". and i was thinking "no, it can't be. not now, not yet". but somehow, he knew. he was mentally preparing himself...because a few minutes later, my grandma comes back and says "ed passed away about an hour ago".

it was hard just to see everyone's faces crumple. and i felt bad, because i couldn't really relate. i mean, i felt really sorry, and almost started crying...but i don't really know uncle ed. i don't have a visual picture of him. and i felt bad for that.

i guess i'm just overall feeling kinda down in the dumps right now. i feel the grief and pain of my family, and i don't know what to do with it. this is the closest that death has ever hit me...and it really makes me wonder what would happen if something happened to someone closer to me...

SCHOOL: DAY 1

well hello world! now i will actually have something interesting to post about! because--yes, that's right, you heard it here first (ok not really but it sounds cool)--SCHOOL OFFICIALLY STARTED TODAY!! ok well only for high schoolers...my sisters in elementary today went for an hour for "registration" but then got to come home. and they were making fun of me because i had to go for a full day. but you know what? i would way rather go for a full day than only an hour. when you go for an hour you're left wondering...at least here they just get the first day over and done with. it makes life so much easier. but then i guess you already know who will be in your classes and such, because you get your schedules in june...ahh but that's high school for ya.

so how was starting grade 10 in a brand new school? a school that is not only new for me, but for everyone else? a school that only opened it's doors today? well, it was:
hectic and chaotic.
confusing.
wierd.
wonderful.
different.

all in all, just utterly new and strange. now don't get me wrong, i like the school. i really do. it's nice and everything, and i like the teachers. it's just so new. they aren't even done it yet. and it's so different from evan hardy. it's hard to learn a brand new layout.

but i think that all in all it will be good. even though some of my teachers gave me homework on the very first day. i've only been there one day, and so far i like all my teachers and classes. it's not too bad. and it can only get better, right? and tomorrow i will be making my locker a little bit more homey, so that i will feel comfortable using it, and not just like i'm using some random locker. magnets, pictures, it's all goin' in.

The "Perfect" Daughter???

sometimes i just get so frustrated with my mother!! i know it's normal and whatnot...but sometimes i just feel like we are not related...at all. there are times when we just go at it, and just argue. it's like we just can't agree on what i should or shouldn't be able to do. there are times when she just tries to plan my social life...and i don't need that! i can do that myself. it's scary, because we probably fight so much because we are so much alike. if we are alike. maybe we are just total opposites. but they say that you fight with the people you are most like...and maybe that's true. but she knows how to make me so mad, and i know exactly how to push her buttons...which usually ends with me getting grounded or something like that.
and yesterday, i was putting my bags into the vehicle after coming home from the retreat, and this thought popped into my head: nicole is her favorite, and i'm just gonna have to live with that. and really, it makes sense. she does favour nicole. but i think i've gotten over that. in a way. sure, it's not fair, and i hate the fact that she plays favorites. but i've come to accept it...not agree with it, but live with it. it's hard. i feel like i'm always saying sorry that i can't be who she wants me to be. because that's just not who i am. life is difficult! but not all bad i s'pose...i guess i just have to find a way to stay away from pushing her buttons, and try not to get myself in trouble...it can't be that hard. here i go again, on the "perfect daugheter" kick...
but can i really be that girl?

Tired

well, last night erika and i stayed up till 3am. everybody else went to bed at 11pm...but we stayed up. and hung out on the computer, just talking and doing stuff. then we played settlers, with seafarers and cities and knights. we were supposed to get to 12 points to win...but we weren't counting, and when we counted, erika was at 17 points!! let's just say that i wasn't doing that great. then we played zoo tycoon, and then watched part of sinbad. but we were too tired to finish it, so we just went to bed. but i really need to stop making myself so tired. because when i'm tired, then my emotions are more up and down then normal...well ok maybe not so. sometimes. but i just find that when i'm tired i get more "depressed"...or live in the past. and the past hurts. and i'm not supposed to be living in the past. i'm supposed to be in the now. so i'm going to go be in the now, right now.

Busy in Provincial Capital/CRAZY SETTLERS GIRL

ok yeah it's a cheesy title but i had to think of something better than "here i am in regina...". so excuse the cheesiness of my blog.
i know it's only been a day since my last post, but what a day it has been! i have been so busy out here. they're really keeping us going. tons of settlers...it's been great! we played cities and knights version...and exciting news!! erika bought seafarers of catan!! today was the first day any of us had ever played that version. and guess what--we loved it! ha no surprise there. we're going to try and put both expansions together...it'll be a lot to think about, but super fun! i'm excited...wow you can tell that i'm a nerd. i love settlers. ok well maybe it's not that nerdy...i do know some people who play. not many...it's one of those games you either love or hate. or you just don't understand. how true! but once you get going...man you're hooked! i could go on and on about settlers...but that might be a little crazy. maybe i should change the name of my blog from "pointless and random stuff" to "CRAZY SETTLERS GIRL!" haha.
ooh. guess what. tomorrow, i am doing something i have never ever done before. i am going to VALUE VILLAGE! isn't that just like THE coolest thing you have ever heard? haha. if i buy anything...i'm not going to tell my mother where i bought the stuff. because i don't know if my mother would "approve"...you know, her never taking me there before and everything. but oh well. i think it will be "an experience".

"So many people need you in so many ways, and no one can take your place. No one else can play your role. No one else knows your lines. You are uniquely created to fit in the special you-shaped space GOD formed in His world. Never wonder if you are needed. The fact that you're here proves it!"
--from Hugs for Women