First Kiss Dilemna

i never thought kissing would be this confusing! but let me explain.

i have never been kissed by a boy. on the lips. just to get that straight.

mason is my partner in a drama scene that we have to perform for our drama final. in the scene, we have to have an "accidental" kiss. there was a long passionate kiss, but we cut it. we thought we could cut this little kiss too, but it ruins the motive for the character, which kills the scene. so we decided to do it. it's just supposed to be an accidental brush of lips.

so i told keith about it today. and he's...ok. he doesn't really like it, but i don't really like it either. he knows that it's just drama and you can't do a lot about that, and that it doesn't mean anything.

but it's too late to switch scenes...as it is, mason and i are behind.

i feel like i am making excuses to keep this kiss to mason in my life. it's really confusing me. because i don't want my first kiss to be with mason. and i don't want to make keith feel jealous, and i don't want any of this. but i feel stuck, because there isn't really anything i can do. we thought we could cut that part when we initially picked the scene, but found that we can't.

this kiss is small, and there are ways to make it extremely minimal. and i told keith that he can come watch us perform the scene if that makes him feel any better. and talking about this, i think, is making a bit better for him.

but i still feel really bad. but i'm just not sure what else there is left to do.

My Birthday

well i'm sure some of you are just dying to here the details of my birthday...my sweet 16...well anyways i figured i should get on putting up the details so i have friends by tomorrow haha.
ok well the only parts you really all want to know have to do with keith so that's all i'll put up here.
well at lunch keith, rachel, carly, janelle, leanne, and sam all came to dq by my school for lunch. and some of my school friends were there too. and keith was sitting beside me, and then he's like i'm going to go talk to carly (she was sitting at the other table). and i'm all ok why are you telling me but whatever. so i'm just talking to the other people sitting at my table when all of the sudden someone from the other table is like katelynn look over here! so i look over and keith isn't facing me but he has this new black shirt on. and i'm thinking oh a new shirt i've never seen that before...and then i REALLY see the shirt. and in purple writing it says katelynn will you go out with me. as soon as i saw that i turned my head and was like wow in front of all these people! and i started laughing a bit because honestly i really wasn't expecting it. and then he came over and stood in front of me with a rose and was like katelynn will you go out with me? and i wouldn't even look at him i was going red and i was staring at this lovely red rose he was holding...and then he's like katelynn you still haven't answered me. (which is funny because this is kind of like what happened the first time he asked me out...honestly that kid and asking me out haha or maybe it's me and my responses to him asking me out...anyways!)
and i was like yes (of course!) and then he gave me a hug and there was a collective "awww" from the people around me! haha. way to make a moment...yeah but it was good. so he gave me the rose, and the shirt, and a burnt cd with a whole bunch of cute little songs on it and he told me to listen to it until he could come get me after school.
then after school i was sitting around my house waiting for him to come pick me up. he had some plan...of course he wouldn't tell me what it was! so when he finally came to get me (he was late!) then we got into his car and i'm all where are we going? and he's all you'll find out...and then he blindfolded me! so i had no idea where he was driving to. and when we finally got there, he made me get out of the car and walk a ways until he took of the blindfold. and when he did take off the blindfold...we were down by the river. it was really nice out and very pretty, and there were a bunch of pelicans that we were watching eat the fish and stuff. and we walked down closer to the river and walked down there for a bit and just stood and watched the birds and the water flowing and talked a bit and just stood there i guess. but it was good. and then as we were leaving...this is great...i decided it would be fun to climb up the steep part of the hill, instead of going on the road. so ok it was an adventure. we were almost to the top...when i fell...and started sliding...and of course when i fell he fell because he was standing behind me. so we slid pretty much the whole way to the bottom. poor us. but it was funny. and then we walked down the rest of the way (very slowly, i might add!) and then took the road. then what did we do...oh we went to his house and made sidekicks and watched grease. it was good, i had never seen it before.
oh and he gave me my birthday present...apparently what he had already given me wasn't my actually gift. so i got evan hardy sweats and body butter...which is funny because i've been saying that i will buy hardy sweats for about a year now...and i still hadn't bought any.
anyways the day with keith was a lot of fun and i really enjoyed it. so it was worth all the waiting!

Something On My Mind

i don't know what it is. i really don't. but it's there. and it's annoying. because it makes me want to pace and think it out. but it's really hard to think something out when you don't know what you need to think about. this could be a problem. maybe if i just try sleeping it would be better...and maybe not.
this would be a lot easier if i knew what was on my mind.

Musings

so instead of doing an english final, i'm doing a portfolio project and studying a subject and making an editorial and commercial and stuff like that. and my topic is eating disorders. and i took a quiz the other day in a book, about do you have the signs of anorexia or something. and i have a lot of the symptoms. i'm at high risk. scary thought. i've been thinking about it for the last 24 hours. and i don't like it. it makes me feel wierd. hmmm...

Zero Passion

i hate feeling far away from God.
and that's kinda how i'm feeling now.
just got back from a missions trip. i expected to feel on a spiritual low after experiencing everything we experienced in mexico.
but this feels wierd.

i feel like i have no passion for God. and i feel like i should. most of our team has an unbelieveable fire and passion for God. and i want that. but i can't just make myself passionate. it doesn't work that way.

i've seen God work a lot this year. i've experienced a lot. but all the experiencing i've done has been through other people. i've gotten the edge of the experience from what happens in their lives. but i don't feel that any of it is happening in my own life. and i don't know why.

i pray all the time. i pray about the big things and the little things.
i listen for God. but it feels like he's not talking to me.

i learned about love in mexico, and i'm applying that.
i learned different aspects of love during the prayer path, and i'm working on those (although they are harder).
i learned that i need to put Jesus at the center of my life. and i'm trying to do that. thinking WWJD in every situation, praying about every choice, praying for people.

but i still don't have that fire. i'm not on fire for God. and i don't know how to become that. i want to experience God in my own life. experiencing him through other people is great and awesome in its own way, but i want it for myself, too. is that a selfish request?

Propelling Myself

am i lazy? some people seem to think so. namely my mother. today she was getting on my case about being lazy and always relying on people to drive me places. she wants me to get up off my butt, "propel myself" and start walking or riding my bike places. first point--i don't even own a bike! and on the other hand, i don't make people drive me, i'm fine walking. but if people are offering me a ride, or if they're going to the same place i am? then yeah i'm going to take the ride! i try not to make people come out of their way to get me, but if they're coming by my house and they offer, hey, i might as well go...saves time and it's a lot more fun!

To My Duckie...

G is for golden hearted
R is for radical
A is for ADHD (somedays i wonder...hehe)
C is for compassionate
E is for enthusiastic

emo i love how you throw your heart and soul into everything you do. i noticed it in mexico, but i see it here at home too. you have such a heart of gold and such a servant heart...you serve everyone. i hope that today on your sweet 16 you let some others pamper you a bit! you amaze me with all that is thrown into your life, and how you make time for it all. and it's all so good! all your relationships, all your activities, you excel at all of them. it amazes me how you do all this and still find time just to talk. duckie i have gotten to know you so much over the past couple of years and i have loved every minute of it. you challenge me and surprise me all the time, and i thank you for it. thank you for all the good times that we have had in the past, and i know there are more good times to come. thank you for always being there even when i don't deserve it. you are truly a wonderful friend...and a lovely lady (when you want to be). keep after God and please don't ever leave me! i love you!