Stressed

there is so much going on in my brain right now that i don't even know what to think and i'm so stressed it's unbelievable! me, the one who is never stressed...is very stressed! people keep asking me what is wrong because i'm so quiet and haven't talked much at all this week, and all i can say is that i am stressed and that there is a lot going through my mind.
take, for example, course selection. we're choosing classes for next year, and it's really hard. especially because i have no idea what i want to do with my life! and when i say that, i mean that i have no idea what i want to do after high school, what i want to take in university, what i want to become. HELP!
so i'm taking a generalized year next year (i think, i haven't handed in my form...) with AP english classes, my C30 math, history, all my sciences, band, and psychology. my mom wants me to take the AP calculus class too, but i don't think i can. i hate math, i don't enjoy it, i don't understand it, i don't think i would do well in that class. i don't want the added pressure of that class. i know it would be difficult, and i don't want to do it. she would rather me drop band and take the AP calculus course. but i would rather stay in band. even though a lot of my friends are dropping it, i really enjoy band. i do. and it's the only stress-reliever class that i have, all the other classes will be hard, hard work. so i don't know what to do.
i'm also thinking about driving. again. i need to get my drivers, i know i do. i need to get it simply to get people off my back. i understand now why people didn't like it when i asked them about it, because now that it's happening to me i hate it. it just makes me want to leave it alone and forget it. but i can't leave it alone because people keep saying it to me, and it only makes me angry and i don't want to be angry because i know they're just trying to push me in the right direction. and i need to get it over and done with so that i can have a cell phone...
and then there's egypt and ottawa, and trying to pay for those, with the little money that i have, which means i need to get a job, which means i actually need to get on that...which means i will be even more busy and adding another thing to my life. i want to work, i need the money, but i can't bring myself to actually come out and do it. what is wrong with me?
and then there is yc, which if i go i will have to pay for but it is worth it to spend the money, i just have to convince my parents to let me go.
and paying for a dress, because i'm keith's escort for grad, and i need a dress for that, which is another thing to pay for on my list...
i realize that i'm probably stressing this way too much. but i just can't help it. it's all on my mind and won't leave me alone!

Ta-Da!

it's finally here! a new post from katelynn! and it only took a bazillion days...
well what can i say since i posted last. not a lot. my life hasn't really changed a whole bunch. but i suppose i could tell you about a few highlights to my life, and finals, and this weekend...
ok so maybe i have more to say than i thought i did.

well let's start with basketball and my interesting story. ok well you see this one day, we went to bethlehem school to play basketball against them. and i was on the floor, and guarding this girl, and she gets the ball and starts racing down the court for a fast-break layup, right? wrong. well right i guess because this is what she did, she's running down the court. but i'm with her, step for step. the annoying thing is that i can't seem to get ahead of her, but hey, i caught up, so that counts for something! anyways, she goes up to do her layup--step step jump. well i'm right with her, jump at the same time as her...and what do i do? bodycheck her into the wall, of course!
didn't see that one coming, did you?
yeah she went flying into the mats they have on the wall. poor girl...i felt bad. but she wasn't hurt. and i didn't really mean to do that. but i did by accident. took a foul for it, but it was worth it.

and last week i went to the michael buble concert. it was really, really good. caitlin and i had a lot of fun singing all the songs and making fun of him and his dance moves, and laughing at his (at times) vulgar jokes. ahh, what a good night.

finals have been easy. no joke. my last one is tomorrow, math. and it will be my hardest. all the other ones have been super easy, some of them a joke, really.

ok and now on to this weekend. well i am going to the retreat, which i am super excited for, it's going to be spectacular. i was supposed to be going to the select band thing on the weekend, but i asked my parents and they said i could go to the retreat instead. and i e-mailed my band teacher just to let her know i wouldn't be there, and she sent me an e-mail back and from the sounds of it, she isn't too happy! she's angry that me and some other people who are now not going took the spots of people of people who were turned away. and in some ways she made me feel guilty, because i was supposed to go and i backed out. but i didn't want to go in the first place, i've been trying to get out of this ever since i found out i was in it. and i really want to be at that retreat...so i'm probably going to have my head chewed off on tuesday. but that's ok. the retreat will be worth it.

Blah

christmas for another year has come and gone, and i don't really care. this year i didn't even feel that excited for christmas, and to me, when christmas finally came, it just didn't feel like christmas. and i'm not sure why. i've heard that as you get older christmas just loses it's excitement and splendor, and it's just a holiday from school. maybe so. but usually i am excited for christmas, excited for the presents, the family time, the traditions. but this year i just wasn't into it. i was meh. it's strange, i've never felt that way about christmas before. but i didn't enjoy christmas the same way i that i usually do. don't get me wrong, i enjoyed christmas. i had a good time with my family and keith, and keith's family.

in some ways i hate the holidays. i just feel so tired all the time! it's probably because i'm not out and doing things, but it's still so strange. you would think that because i'm not doing much i would have more energy, energy that is all stored up. but no, that's not how it seems to be. i'm good for a few hours, and then i just randomly crash. it's so strange. hopefully the alnighter tomorrow will help! i'm so excited for it. it will be a grand time. and then new years, which apparently i am spending with keith and his family friends!? sure alright sounds good to me, let's hope katelynn doesn't make a fool of herself. ooh ooh i got a new cd today! the sherwood cd....sweet. i'm going to go listen to it now.

EH Formal

well last night keith and i went to the formal and evan hardy, and actually it was pretty fun! the supper part was good and we had a lot of pictures taken, especially by this teacher who takes pictures for the yearbook. so i'm pretty sure that i'll be in the evan hardy yearbook. probably a couple times. and the food was decent, and the dance was fun and they actually played good music! and it was even that dirty. honestly, evan hardy dancers are cleaner than centennial dances, from what i saw. but whatever. so yeah it was a lot of fun and i don't really know what else to say. keith looked good, i looked good, i got a rose....life is wonderful! so here, you can all look at a lovely picture now...

The Random Writings from Biology

i'm not a genius
but i'm not stupid.
i'm not drop dead gorgeous
but i'm not butt ugly.
i'm not a jock
but i'm not a lazy bum.
i'm not the life of the party
but i'm not a social outcast.
i'm average.



but why me? why am i the lucky one? i wish that they were lucky too. i want them to have what i have. and yet i will not give up what i have. there is no way i could let go. but why me? what did i ever do to deserve him?



...and i want life to be fair...




in a beautiful green world,
where nature is king,
there is a castle that reigns in beauty and splendor.

inside lives a princess, whom everyone loves.
all day and all night she does as she please.
she goes for tea with her friends,
they laugh and they tease.
they trust and they tell,
sisters forever.

and she has a boy,
who has stolen her heart.
who makes her sing,
calms her fears.
who makes her laugh,
and dries her tears.
he still has the ability to give her butterflies with simply

a look or a
touch.

they all know her so well,
in their own special way.
this princess who dances,
safe and carefree.
and she goes through life with
ease that is envied.
naive and blind to the
real world
around her.

and she wishes
on rainbows
and stars and so much more.
she crosses her fingers to keep her luck strong.
but try as she might
to keep reality at bay,
she knows her fairytale can't always stay.
but when will the pixie dust fall and the palace burn?
when will the girls and the special boy go?
she doesn't know when it will all fall apart.
so until then she will live in her fairytale world.
and maybe if she wishes, ans wishes some more...
her fairytale world will never go away.





and i wish that it would never have to end...

My Favorite Fears

to the tune of "My Favorite Things" in The Sound of Music:


death to those close to me
natural disasters
fires at midnight and
burglas who prowl
people in cars who drive by with black guns
these are a few of my favorite fears

diving boards, drowning
skiing and biking
sitting alone and
waiting for others
ordering at resturaunts while they stare and smirk
these are a few of my favorite fears

shedding my mask, show
what i really feel
giving my heart out
and choosing to trust
hoping those close to me won't run away
these are a few of my favorite fears

when the dog bites
when the bee stings
these also make me scream
to counter these fears i hold
tight to my Father and then I don't feel
so scared

Run from the Unmasked

there are times when i think
that wearing my mask is beneficial.
to myself, and to those around me.
because, really,
who wants to see all of me?
who wants to see every
change
in mood?
who wants to see
every thought
flash through my eyes?
but contrary to this,
i have heard that it is bad
to wear a mask.
that it is horribly hard on
yourself
to keep everything
bottled inside.
and i hear the people tell me
to let it out.
to take the cap off the bottle,
and to stop hiding what i really
think and feel.
but they are the ones
who do not want to hear.
who do now want to see the
strong one
fall apart.
and when she does,
she is left all
alone.
to be with these thoughts and feelings
that she finally let out
because people said they would be there.
and when she finally opens up
she discovers that she cannot trust,
because they all
run.