Praise!!!

well things are going better because god has definately lifted this beast from me!! this last week...wow i have just felt so relieved and at peace...i am now able to talk to my ex and actually have a good and meaningful conversation!! praise be to god who lifted this from my shoulders and mind!! THANK YOU GOD!!!

anyways i had an awesome weekend hanging with my girl "duckie"...wow a weekend of laughs. thanks for that doll!!

so today i went to this conference (girls journey of faith) with my gracie, and it was so cool!! i seen my old teacher who i discovered was a christian, which was pretty darn cool. and also i was just challenged a lot to go deeper in my walk with god and to really search for him and, in a sense, myself. and just to get deeper in my faith and more grounded in my morals. which was really good. i needed that. and on friday, at youth (which i totally love and is like one of the best things in my life!!) we were talking about spiritual fullness and it was good cuz i actually got stuff out of it (it was deep enough for me!! haha) and i really had a good little chat and prayer with god. and i wrote it down so i will remember! yay me! anyways another awesome thing about friday was that i had brought my friend caitlin (not a christian--but i am praying for her hard core!!) and yeah so it was a worship night, and i was kinda worried that she might feel a bit out of place or whatever. but she still wanted to come and all so that was good, she's at least open to the god idea. so we were singing songs (ben's band was there--awesomeness!!), and i just decided that it wasn't worth it for me to worry about caitlin, so i just gave it to god and sang with my heart and soul--i put it all in for god. and i think maybe that had some effect on caitlin. cuz i was just laughing, and singing, and just worshiping god, and i think she saw that and wanted what i had--that freedom. so then after that when we did the quiet-time-self-search thing (as i explained before) we all went off and did our thing, including caitlin. then afterwards caitlin and grace and steph and me got together in a little group and just kinda talked about the questions. and i was the un-official leader of the group, which i didn't mind cuz i have been praying for god to use me and give me opportunities where i can share and pray out loud and get more comfortable with being open in my faith. and let me tell you, god answers prayers!! cuz i got to lead this little group for like 10 mintues (good starting time!!) and then i just said let's pray and we opened it up and grace started and then steph prayed and caitlin prayed (i think a bit out of peer pressure but hey! she was praying!) and then i wound it all down and man god musta been at work with these girls cuz i had caitlin tearing up and grace and steph very touched...so thank you god! like i said...PRAISE BE TO HIM!!

(verse 1)
I stand before You, Lord
And give You all my praise
Your love is all I need
Jesus, You're all I need

(verse 2)
My life belongs to You
You gave Your life for me
Your grace is all I need
Jesus, You're all I need

(pre chorus)
Hold me in Your arms
Never let me go
I wanna spend eternity with You

(chorus)
And now that You're near
Everything is different
Everything's so different, Lord
And I know I'm not the same
My life You've changed
And I wanna be with You
I wanna be with You

(lyrics from "Now that You're Near")

Struggling

GOD PLEASE GIVE ME PEACE AND FREEDOM FROM THIS BEAST. I AM STRUGGLING SO MUCH WITH PAST EVENTS. I KNOW THAT I DO NOT NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THE PAST, AND I DO NOT NEED TO BORROW TROUBLES FROM TOMORROW. YOUR WORD HAS PROMISED ME THAT IT IS ALL TAKEN CARE OF. AND YET GOD, I AM STRUGGLING WITH THIS SO MUCH. WHY CAN'T I JUST LET THIS GO? I KNOW I DID THE RIGHT THING...I TRULY BELIEVE THAT. WHY WILL THIS BEAST JUST NOT LET ME GO? PLEASE, OH GOD, GIVE MY MIND PEACE, AND FREEDOM FROM THIS BEAST THAT IS CONSUMING ME...IT IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE.

This prayer is sent up to heaven on urgent business--I have things in my recent past that I can just not seem let go of.

This break up has had so much after effect...

Why does doing the right thing come with so many side effects?

The Poem

this is an amazing poem that my friend found me that really made my day today--to me it makes complete sense and i love it so much!! hope you enjoy it too::


Sometimes you gotta run away,
So you can see who will run after you.
Sometimes you gotta talk quieter,
Just to see who's listening.
Sometimes you gotta step up in a fight,
Just to see who's standing by your side.
Sometimes you gotta make a wrong decision,
Just to see whos there when it all falls down.
Sometimes you gotta let go of the one you love,
Just to see if they love you enough to come back

Sacrifice

Today at church it was all about worship, in many different ways and forms. and the service was really different, which was really neat. It showed me a lot of things, and, in fact, it was really moving. I had so much trouble keeping my tears in.
But that's beside the point.
They had an altar that they had made, that had flames (not real ones) coming out of it. It looked really neat. And they wanted you to write something down that you wanted to surrender to God, and to throw it into the altar. You were sacrificing a part of your life to Him.
And while I didn't get up and throw anything into the altar (I really would have broke down then) I did make a promise to God--a sacrifice, surrendering part of my life. And I chose to surrender to God my language--cuz God knows it isn't always the greatest! My language is something that I have really been wanting to clear up, and God has really been putting it on my heart these last few months to work on that. So today, I finally made the sacrifice of my language, which, in some ways, is also sacrificing my reputation (haha) and what people may think of me.
But I think that this will teach me something; of what I am yet to learn.
And I know that God has something planned for me. Something important...because with God, there are no small parts.

Some lyrics of a song that really struck me this week--
"In Christ, there are no goodbyes"
And that really got to me. Because a lot of my friends are not Christians...and it hurs to think that if we all died today, I wouldn't see most of them ever again.

Here's a quote I heard a while ago--
"I'd rather be standing at the gates of heaven, seeing my friends go into hell and hearing them ask 'why didn't I listen when you told me about Jesus' than 'why didn't you tell me'".
And that is the truth. Not that I'm wishing that my friends will go to hell or anything, I wouldn't wish that on anyone! But I'm not as open about my faith as I should be, and I know that.
So, in a way, since I'm saying that I want to be more open about my faith...I am, once again, sacrificing my reputation.
This is all good and well to say, but can I do it...
Well, I guess this blog will just have to keep me accountable!

Someday

i can't believe i did it--well, 2 things actually. one, i went totally and completely against my parents and behind their backs and went out with a guy...yes i had a boyfriend.
notice the word had.
i dumped him. and it hurt to do that, because he was one of the sweetest guys i have ever known. but it needed to happen. there were some issues that just weren't being solved...like, he kissed another girl on the cheek a couple times. now, it didn't really bother me all that much (although i did kinda make a fuss) but i think it just really got to me about how good i had been about not flirting with guys and stuff and then he just went and did that. and to a good friend of mine too. and it really caused some problems. it caused her to be dumped by her boyfriend. and it really caused me to think about why i was going out with this guy, and what i wanted from this. it made me think about my reasons and intentions and future.
but that's not really the reason that i dumped him. because i still did trust him...sure, not as much as i had before, but i still did. in fact, i still do now. i mean, we are still friends and all. (thank goodness, because we were pretty tight before, so hopefully we can just be good friends and all).
so the real reason i dumped him...i really felt that God was telling me that i didn't need to be in a relationship right now. that it just wasn't right to be going behind my parent's backs, and that i should obey their rules and wait to date until i'm sixteen. and (now) i am totally abiding by that rule. because after being in a relationship, short as it was (a day shy of three weeks), i see how hard it is. i see the committment that it takes. i see everything that you have to go through. and right now, im just not ready. i don't know exactly who i am, and it's not fair of me to be with someone when i don't know who i am. that's just cruel. and it adds pressure...which i hate so much.
that was another reason--pressure. there was so much pressure on us to be the perfect couple. everyone said that we looked cute together...and maybe we did. but we thought that we could just float through this, that it would be a piece of cake. well, let me tell you, relationships are no piece of cake! they take work and dedication. and someday, i will be ready for that. someday...but not today. God is telling me that it's not right for me to date yet.
and, as harsh as this may seem, i know that in the end, i am going to want a christian guy, who believes in the same things i do. because in the end, i will want to be with someone forever...and that means after we die, too.
so i dumped him.
i dumped a guy who was so sweet and nice and respectful towards me...and i'm so sorry that i hurt him.
but it had to be done. it just had to happen.
...but it still hurts...

PRAYER OF HEALING

OH GOD PLEASE LET GRANDPA'S CHEST PAINS MEAN NOTHING. PLEASE GIVE THE DOCTORS WISDOM IN KNOWING WHAT TO DO. GIVE THE WHOLE FAMILY STRENGTH TO DEAL WITH THIS. GIVE GRANDMA AND GRANDPA PEACE OF MIND. KEEP THEM CALM. PLEASE GIVE GRANDMA FREEDOM FROM THE PAINS THAT SHE HAS BEEN HAVING. GOD, PLEASE DON'T TAKE EITHER OF THEM YET...

Question::

How do I always manage to un-willingly hurt people???

And how come it always has to be the ones I'm closest to???