Layers of Trust

this is stupid. why am i so terrified of this? i have had many reassurances, and yet i am still so scared. i feel as if i am a very trusting person, but i suppose there are levels to that trust. levels and layers...and i guess that is just the stage it is at. but why does it have to be at that stage and why can't i move forward from it?

Dwelling

someone once told me "you are harder on the people you love the most". and i've really been thinking about that over the past few days. they told me this almost three weeks ago...and i didn't really dwell on it then. i thought about it a bit and agreed that it was true, but this past week i have really dwelled on it. probably because i had to write a reading assesment test in english (barf) and one topic had something to do with this, and made me think about it. i actually ended up writing a lot about this phrase and i thought it was a pretty good paper. but anyways, back to the topic of me dwelling on this for the past couple days...
"you are harder on the people you love the most"
think about it for a second. think about the people you love the most, the people that you would do anything for. ok, got them pictured in your mind? think about how many times you have spazzed on them or torn them down because of something they've done or said or situations or whatever. maybe it's just me, but i know that i am truly harder on the people i care the most about. and maybe part of it is because we expect more of those people. and maybe we expect them to be able to handle it. probably both. but something that i realized for myself was that i don't want to see these people get hurt. which makes sense, right? if i love someone a lot, i'm not going to want them to hurt. and so i think in an effort to protect them and myself, i am harder on them and what they do because i don't want anyone to get hurt.

hurting people is one of my greatest fears...and yet i seem to do it so unknowingly! ok so maybe i have more on my mind than just that phrase...but i don't have anything else sorted out yet.

yeah i though i was done being confused about this topic, but i guess not. guess i'll be dwelling a bit more and a bit deeper for the next few days.

Spring!

spring has sprung! how exciting! hence the colorful beautiful writing! normally i don't write in fancy schmancy stuff like this on my blog...but hey spring is in the air! i think i have spring fever, i've been going nuts the last few days! and i love being outside, i mean, i'm walking to and from school everyday! and i'm just dying to have the free time to go for a walk in the park. i'm looking forwrad to the day when the trees are green and the grass is green and the sky is blue and sunny and big puffy clouds and all that good stuff...i cannot wait...spring is here! well at least the beginning of it is...so the rest of it better hurry up! i'm getting anxious!

Bananas in Pajamas

did anybody ever watch that show "bananas in pajamas"? it was my favorite show when i was little.
and now i'm bouncing along to the bananas in pajamas song...

Happy 4/20

well it's been a long day, and it's not over yet. although i am very excited for youth tonight, as i always am. it truly is the highlight of my week.
but that's not my topic today.
happy 4/20: does anyone out there know what it means? i didn't until today at school. a guy i know from science class came up to kayla and i this morning and started yelling "happy 4/20!" he had it on his shirt, and he had one of those blow-up hammers that he was hitting people with. so i asked around, and i found out that happy 4/20 (4th month, 20th day) is national weed day. or something like that. basically it's weed day. so all the people in my school today were yelling happy 4/20 and talking about how they were all gonna go get "baked" tonight...i'm assuming that means extremely high off weed!?
and i gotta say that i do not like alcohol, drugs, smoking, etc. i just don't agree with it. and i'm not gonna go into a long rant and rave about everything about it here, because i don't need to and i'm, well, honestly, too lazy to do so right now. but i can say that hearing this all day got pretty tiring. and it made me really sad, to hear about all the people who were going to go get high. or who were already high.
i know there are a lot of dangerous things that happen during your life including drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex, etc. i hear about it everyday. but for some reason today it just got to me...and by the end of the day i was just so glad to be out of there so i didn't have to hear all the plans about people getting high.
and you know, some people go to extreme lengths to be liked by other people. take for example my friend mason. he was talking with some of these...people...that were going to get high. and he was talking like he had done it before and as if he was going to go out and do it tonight. and i was pretty shocked, i never knew that mason was like that. and honestly i didn't really expect it of him. so i was kinda confused, and i was pretty quiet during drama class. and during the middle of the class he came and sat with me and he's like "what's up katelynn?" and i said, really openly, that i was thinking about all the people that were going to go out and get high. and that i was trying to figure out if he was lying about all that or if was dead serious. and he told me that he was just making it up, he was just goofing around with it. but that he did kinda want to try it. and honestly it worried me. i don't like to see anyone doing that kind of thing, but it makes it so much harder when it's a friend. and a pretty good one at that.
thankfully after school he told me that yes he was just joking and he was not planning on doing that tonight. thank goodness. i just hope he doesn't.

The Pains of Being the Oldest

in case you don't get it from the picture, i am incredibly mad right now. why else would i do skull and crossbones? that's not really like me.
problem is, i don't really know why i'm so angry. yes there are a few things in the last hour or so that have just ticked me right off, but i never knew such little things could make me so angry! and it's strange because about an hour and a half ago i was fine, laughing with my friends in a car, having the best time of my life, laughing so hard i almost peed myself...
and now i need to run. which, in katelynn language, means either that i'm incredibly sad or incredibly angry.
and right now i'm down-right angry!
part of it is that i feel like my parents run. my. life.
periods for emphasis.
but really!
they plan like everything for me, especially lately. they don't even ask for my input! it's just do this now. you don't have a choice. and sometimes it's not horrible things, i mean, they're going out of town this weekend and letting me stay here. and i love that. that's what i wanted. but there are some things where they are just like no. this is how it's going to work. and there really isn't a reason why! i hate it! it royally ticks me off!
i don't know.
maybe it's because i'm the oldest. the guinea pig. the test run. i know they don't mean for it to be like that, but i think it's one of those things that you can't really help. it just happens.
i hate being the oldest...in some ways.
i'm growing up! there's nothing they can do about it. and lately it seems like they've just figured out that i am growing up, and now all of the sudden they are trying to hold me back. and the more the push me to stay, the more i want to spread my wings and fly. for some reason we just can't find a balance.

i waited too long to write this post. i lost all my fire and spark. it's not nearly as interesting as i wanted it to be. sorry.

Renovations

well it finally happened. i changed my blog.
*gasp*
i actually never thought i would do it.
but then i changed some of the font colors...
and then i just decided i wanted a white background!
i kinda like it actually.
just a little more basic.
simplistic.
i like it.