i can't believe i did it--well, 2 things actually. one, i went totally and completely against my parents and behind their backs and went out with a guy...yes i had a boyfriend.
notice the word had.
i dumped him. and it hurt to do that, because he was one of the sweetest guys i have ever known. but it needed to happen. there were some issues that just weren't being solved...like, he kissed another girl on the cheek a couple times. now, it didn't really bother me all that much (although i did kinda make a fuss) but i think it just really got to me about how good i had been about not flirting with guys and stuff and then he just went and did that. and to a good friend of mine too. and it really caused some problems. it caused her to be dumped by her boyfriend. and it really caused me to think about why i was going out with this guy, and what i wanted from this. it made me think about my reasons and intentions and future.
but that's not really the reason that i dumped him. because i still did trust him...sure, not as much as i had before, but i still did. in fact, i still do now. i mean, we are still friends and all. (thank goodness, because we were pretty tight before, so hopefully we can just be good friends and all).
so the real reason i dumped him...i really felt that God was telling me that i didn't need to be in a relationship right now. that it just wasn't right to be going behind my parent's backs, and that i should obey their rules and wait to date until i'm sixteen. and (now) i am totally abiding by that rule. because after being in a relationship, short as it was (a day shy of three weeks), i see how hard it is. i see the committment that it takes. i see everything that you have to go through. and right now, im just not ready. i don't know exactly who i am, and it's not fair of me to be with someone when i don't know who i am. that's just cruel. and it adds pressure...which i hate so much.
that was another reason--pressure. there was so much pressure on us to be the perfect couple. everyone said that we looked cute together...and maybe we did. but we thought that we could just float through this, that it would be a piece of cake. well, let me tell you, relationships are no piece of cake! they take work and dedication. and someday, i will be ready for that. someday...but not today. God is telling me that it's not right for me to date yet.
and, as harsh as this may seem, i know that in the end, i am going to want a christian guy, who believes in the same things i do. because in the end, i will want to be with someone forever...and that means after we die, too.
so i dumped him.
i dumped a guy who was so sweet and nice and respectful towards me...and i'm so sorry that i hurt him.
but it had to be done. it just had to happen.
...but it still hurts...
Sunday, March 19, 2006
OH GOD PLEASE LET GRANDPA'S CHEST PAINS MEAN NOTHING. PLEASE GIVE THE DOCTORS WISDOM IN KNOWING WHAT TO DO. GIVE THE WHOLE FAMILY STRENGTH TO DEAL WITH THIS. GIVE GRANDMA AND GRANDPA PEACE OF MIND. KEEP THEM CALM. PLEASE GIVE GRANDMA FREEDOM FROM THE PAINS THAT SHE HAS BEEN HAVING. GOD, PLEASE DON'T TAKE EITHER OF THEM YET...