Monday, April 30, 2007

Layers of Trust

this is stupid. why am i so terrified of this? i have had many reassurances, and yet i am still so scared. i feel as if i am a very trusting person, but i suppose there are levels to that trust. levels and layers...and i guess that is just the stage it is at. but why does it have to be at that stage and why can't i move forward from it?

Thursday, April 26, 2007


Friends someone once told me "you are harder on the people you love the most". and i've really been thinking about that over the past few days. they told me this almost three weeks ago...and i didn't really dwell on it then. i thought about it a bit and agreed that it was true, but this past week i have really dwelled on it. probably because i had to write a reading assesment test in english (barf) and one topic had something to do with this, and made me think about it. i actually ended up writing a lot about this phrase and i thought it was a pretty good paper. but anyways, back to the topic of me dwelling on this for the past couple days...
"you are harder on the people you love the most"
think about it for a second. think about the people you love the most, the people that you would do anything for. ok, got them pictured in your mind? think about how many times you have spazzed on them or torn them down because of something they've done or said or situations or whatever. maybe it's just me, but i know that i am truly harder on the people i care the most about. and maybe part of it is because we expect more of those people. and maybe we expect them to be able to handle it. probably both. but something that i realized for myself was that i don't want to see these people get hurt. which makes sense, right? if i love someone a lot, i'm not going to want them to hurt. and so i think in an effort to protect them and myself, i am harder on them and what they do because i don't want anyone to get hurt.

hurting people is one of my greatest fears...and yet i seem to do it so unknowingly! ok so maybe i have more on my mind than just that phrase...but i don't have anything else sorted out yet.

yeah i though i was done being confused about this topic, but i guess not. guess i'll be dwelling a bit more and a bit deeper for the next few days.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


spring has sprung! how exciting! hence the colorful beautiful writing! normally i don't write in fancy schmancy stuff like this on my blog...but hey spring is in the air! i think i have spring fever, i've been going nuts the last few days! and i love being outside, i mean, i'm walking to and from school everyday! and i'm just dying to have the free time to go for a walk in the park. i'm looking forwrad to the day when the trees are green and the grass is green and the sky is blue and sunny and big puffy clouds and all that good stuff...i cannot wait...spring is here! well at least the beginning of it the rest of it better hurry up! i'm getting anxious!

Bananas in Pajamas

did anybody ever watch that show "bananas in pajamas"? it was my favorite show when i was little.
and now i'm bouncing along to the bananas in pajamas song...

Friday, April 20, 2007

Happy 4/20

well it's been a long day, and it's not over yet. although i am very excited for youth tonight, as i always am. it truly is the highlight of my week.
but that's not my topic today.
happy 4/20: does anyone out there know what it means? i didn't until today at school. a guy i know from science class came up to kayla and i this morning and started yelling "happy 4/20!" he had it on his shirt, and he had one of those blow-up hammers that he was hitting people with. so i asked around, and i found out that happy 4/20 (4th month, 20th day) is national weed day. or something like that. basically it's weed day. so all the people in my school today were yelling happy 4/20 and talking about how they were all gonna go get "baked" tonight...i'm assuming that means extremely high off weed!?
and i gotta say that i do not like alcohol, drugs, smoking, etc. i just don't agree with it. and i'm not gonna go into a long rant and rave about everything about it here, because i don't need to and i'm, well, honestly, too lazy to do so right now. but i can say that hearing this all day got pretty tiring. and it made me really sad, to hear about all the people who were going to go get high. or who were already high.
i know there are a lot of dangerous things that happen during your life including drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex, etc. i hear about it everyday. but for some reason today it just got to me...and by the end of the day i was just so glad to be out of there so i didn't have to hear all the plans about people getting high.
and you know, some people go to extreme lengths to be liked by other people. take for example my friend mason. he was talking with some of these...people...that were going to get high. and he was talking like he had done it before and as if he was going to go out and do it tonight. and i was pretty shocked, i never knew that mason was like that. and honestly i didn't really expect it of him. so i was kinda confused, and i was pretty quiet during drama class. and during the middle of the class he came and sat with me and he's like "what's up katelynn?" and i said, really openly, that i was thinking about all the people that were going to go out and get high. and that i was trying to figure out if he was lying about all that or if was dead serious. and he told me that he was just making it up, he was just goofing around with it. but that he did kinda want to try it. and honestly it worried me. i don't like to see anyone doing that kind of thing, but it makes it so much harder when it's a friend. and a pretty good one at that.
thankfully after school he told me that yes he was just joking and he was not planning on doing that tonight. thank goodness. i just hope he doesn't.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The Pains of Being the Oldest

in case you don't get it from the picture, i am incredibly mad right now. why else would i do skull and crossbones? that's not really like me.
problem is, i don't really know why i'm so angry. yes there are a few things in the last hour or so that have just ticked me right off, but i never knew such little things could make me so angry! and it's strange because about an hour and a half ago i was fine, laughing with my friends in a car, having the best time of my life, laughing so hard i almost peed myself...
and now i need to run. which, in katelynn language, means either that i'm incredibly sad or incredibly angry.
and right now i'm down-right angry!
part of it is that i feel like my parents run. my. life.
periods for emphasis.
but really!
they plan like everything for me, especially lately. they don't even ask for my input! it's just do this now. you don't have a choice. and sometimes it's not horrible things, i mean, they're going out of town this weekend and letting me stay here. and i love that. that's what i wanted. but there are some things where they are just like no. this is how it's going to work. and there really isn't a reason why! i hate it! it royally ticks me off!
i don't know.
maybe it's because i'm the oldest. the guinea pig. the test run. i know they don't mean for it to be like that, but i think it's one of those things that you can't really help. it just happens.
i hate being the some ways.
i'm growing up! there's nothing they can do about it. and lately it seems like they've just figured out that i am growing up, and now all of the sudden they are trying to hold me back. and the more the push me to stay, the more i want to spread my wings and fly. for some reason we just can't find a balance.

i waited too long to write this post. i lost all my fire and spark. it's not nearly as interesting as i wanted it to be. sorry.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


well it finally happened. i changed my blog.
i actually never thought i would do it.
but then i changed some of the font colors...
and then i just decided i wanted a white background!
i kinda like it actually.
just a little more basic.
i like it.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


my goal, for a while now, has been to make someone's day everyday. to make people feel special. to just be nice, in general. to give someone a smile when they're frowning. to be someone's up when they are down. to be the light in the dark.

some days i think it's going great...other days i'm not so sure.

sometimes it's hard to make other people smile when i can't.

sometimes i'm a really good actress.

sometimes my act falls apart.

sometimes i do things right.

sometimes i do things wrong.

sometimes i know that i hurt people.

sometimes i don't.

sometimes i care.

sometimes i don't.

sometimes i cry.

sometimes i yell.

sometimes i let it all out.

sometimes no one knows.

sometimes i spill my guts.

sometimes it's a secret.

sometimes i turn to other things.

sometimes i remember not to.

sometimes i pray.

sometimes i don't.

sometimes i feel like i'm worth something.

sometimes i don't.

sometimes i'm the world to someone.

sometimes i'm not.

sometimes i listen.

sometimes i don't shut up.

sometimes i know where i'm going.

sometimes i'm lost.

sometimes i'm smart.

sometimes i'm dumb.

sometimes i sing happy songs.

sometimes i sing sad songs.

sometimes i'm very thankful for this blog and for the people that know about it.

sometimes i wish no one knew the address.

Still Alive

ok it's been a little while...but i'm still here. i'm still breathing, my heart is still beating. some days it feels like my heart can't take much more, but just when i think it will break in a zillion pieces somebody comes along and puts the pieces back together. and, slowly but surely, the pieces are starting to stay together...
i joined the track team. sprints and relays. i don't know if i'll be able to do any mini-meets, as they are on it will depend on what time exactly they run at the specific meets. but i don't have to go to meets if i don't want to. which is nice. i can just run. fun.
who's to say what's this how it's supposed to be
-"upside down" by jack johnson

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Third Post Today!

I believe- that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

At My Grandparents House

currently i am at my grandparents house...on their strange is that!?
we came for easter dinner. it was yummy! there was salad and veggies and turkey and dressing and potatoes and gravy and buns and this swiss bean casserole stuff and meatballs (random yes, but they were yummy!) and strawberries and carrots and turnips (yuck!) and then for dessert there were raisin tarts and saskatoon berry tarts, with whipped cream...the saskatoon berry ones were awesome. so i gotta say that i am officially stuffed...and i even ate small portions of everything! literally. i had a tiny scoop of almost everything. and now i'm extremely full. and tomorrow i get to do it all over kinda yes because i know it will be so yummy...but i get so full. but my strategy of just having a little bit of everythings seems to be working. this way i eat food, and i get to taste everything which is satisfying...the whole next part would be and i'm not bursting full...which i'm not...but i'm still very very full. not always fun. it makes me feel sort of sick sometimes. yeah sometimes food makes me feel sick which really is dumb because then i don't want to eat because it makes me feel sick but then i need to eat so that people see me eating and they don't think i'm anorexic...but yeah. why do i need to eat for other people?? i shouldn't have to. but often i feel like i do.
i really should go be social, but my cousins are all watching tv, which i can't do, and the adults aren't talking about anything interesting downstairs...and plus they have the tv on so i have to turn my back which is a bit awkward i guess. and boring. i would rather sit here and blog. even though my parents would probably be mad if they knew i was on my grandparents computer...but hey what else am i going to do!?
today keith came over and we made erin a bunny cake...ok well keith did most of it haha but i helped! i did...but he did do most of it. it was his idea, and i didn't wanna do some of it; i was scared i would mess it up. i was there for moral support haha. and then we gave her the cake and she was so happy it was awesome.
the only bad part of my day really has been the fact that while keith was over my sister was being extremely annoying in the fact that she was teasing keith and i. as in "katelynn and keith...oooh la la...hit her butt keith...can you feel the love tonight" etc. and watching spying. it was very uncalled for. it's not like they've never met keith before! maybe it's because my cousins were over and they were fascinated by the fact that i had a boy over. and my parents weren't home. and then they decided to make us iced tea...and give us one glass with two make it romantic. pfft like we haven't shared a drink before honestly. it got pretty annoying after a while though. sometimes i can take the teasing...and at first it didn't really bother me, i'm kinda used to it. and i figured that if i didn't show a reaction, then they would stop. but one of my sisters didn't...and i got really one point i was like stop now or i will dump the iced tea on your head. that shut her up for a couple minutes, but then she was back at it i cornered her on the couch and talked very quietly and (hopefully) intimidatingly. i didn't want to scare her too badly, but enough was enough. and i wanted it to stop NOW. i can only take so much of the teasing! especially when some of it is just plain uncalled for. so my mom gets to hear about it tonight, which i told my sister was going to happen. not to scare her much, but i can't enforce much change in her behaviour, but my mother can. and the things that happend today were really uncalled for. no need for me to be even more embarrassed by my own family. that's two days in a row now, by the same sister. it just can't get any worse. although tonight my family started talking about what it would be like when i brought a boyfriend to the family gatherings...and i said it couldn't be worse than what my sister did. then my mom gave me a look and i said we'd talk later there's that.
so anyways i think i should go be social now...and maybe eat another chocolate egg.

Erin Michelle Baldwin

to my deartest enji, on her sweet sixteen...

E is for empathetic
R is for raquetball
I is for intelligent
N is for never-ending-ball-of-energy

darlin you are such a sweetie. you have a heart of gold and you're always doing things that will make other people happy. you're always looking out for everybody else. you're so compassionate...when you see someone else crying, you cry along with because your heart hurts for them. i admire you so much for these things, and many others.
such as the fact that you work on your relationship with God, and are making such an effort to be obedient to him in every way, shape, and form. you amaze me with your insight on human life, and the way the you perceive things.
thank you for loving me for who i am, and for accepting my crazyness...and for being crazy along with me.
thanks for all the good times, and for the ones that i'm sure are to come.
i love you!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Don't They Know?

there's this girl that i know...she's a year younger than me, but was in my class when i was in grade four. it was a split class, so she was grade three. now she goes to my high school.
and last night i saw her outside our old elementary school, smoking.
some days i just wonder, what brings people to do that? don't they know or care how bad it is for them?
i just don't understand.

Growling Stomach

i'm hungry...and there's still half an hour until lunch...

well this morning we had a presentation a group called absolute. they are all about people being good or something...i don't really know...people told stories about their lives and how they rose above drugs and alcohol, or death, or abuse and stuff like that. and we heard all these stats, and learned about child poverty, and watched some hillbilly stuff (haha good times) and listened to stereotrap...they were pretty cool i guess.

anyways that's been my day so far and i don't really have anything else to say, i just wanted to update. only one and a half more days of school...this afternoon and tomorrow. thank goodness tomorrow is a short day...i'm ready for a break. and i'm excited! hopefully lots of stuff will happen. although i still can't watch tv or movies...i miss my movies!

this is pointless. oh well, it goes along with the name of my blog.

Sunday, April 01, 2007


i hate feeling jealous, because i know that it is wrong. i know that i am not supposed to feel that way. and often when i do feel that way, my feelings aren't really justified; they don't have a good reason of being there.

i have a problem with jealousy...and i've known it for a while. and tonight it just kinda struck me--as i became jealous, once again. and all of the sudden it was like, why am i feeling this way? i don't need to.

so i'm working on not being jealous anymore. yes it's been about an hour since i decided that...but it's something that i really need to work on. a big downfall of me as a person is jealousy, it is definately a problem area in my life. and it needs to disappear! so that's why i'm working on. so i looked up what the BIBLE had to say about being jealous, and here's what i found...

Surely resentment destroys the fool, and jealousy kills the simple.

Job 5:2

For I can see that you are full of bitter jealousy and are held captive by sin.

Acts 8:23

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Galations 5:19-21

For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

James 3:15-16

so pray for me as i work hard to not be won't be an easy task. and i know that! but i'm willing to work for it.