Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Butterfly Dancers

WARNING: yes i talk about my friends in this post, and it may seem negative. but i promise you in every way, that it is not!! i love them all to death, and even as of late have been realizing how much i am blessed to have them by my side. don't feel upset if you are mentioned in a way that may seem like i am annoyed with you! i'm not. so what is the purpose of this post then? to get things out. people tell me stuff and i keep it in total confidence, often even from this blog. but it does make me wonder, and question things. so i do, on here, so you can know me better, and so that people can help me out. ok? alrighty then. let's get on to the real stuff.

Friends wow have you ever had those times when you are just so in tune, and everybody else...well...isn't? and this isn't like last year, when i always felt off kilter with everyone, and like everyone was mad at me. no, i'm totally on the same page as my friends, we're all getting along swell.

i guess the real issue is god, in a sense. i've had some close friends questioning him lately...sometimes his existence, sometimes him, sometimes they are just not feeling very close to him. and in that sense i am way off track with them. because lately i have felt in tune with god...when you get that feeling, and you know, "this is right". you're in a groove...not a rut, a groove. you've been wondering with god, you gave it a shot, and now you're starting the dance. and as you get closer and closer, the dance gets faster, or more complicated, or more intricate. more intimate. you keep on learning.

but how do you keep dancing the dance when the people closest to you aren't dancing?

well maybe they're like a butterfly. they've been through the caterpillar stage...the initial chrisianity, the rush of faith, the feeling of god. gotta love that. but then it slows a caterpillar getting ready to go into a cocoon. they don't know what they'll come out like, but they still trust god enough to lead them into this. but while they're all tightly wound up (in the human world, i guess that would be in their lives and other stuff) then they start wondering--how will i come out? can i trust god on this one? is he real? is he there? does he care? i'm just a itty bitty caterpillar (human) stuffed inside their own little cocoon (world) do i know he is there, and he is real?

well...that's a toughy. because we can't see god. you can't. sure, you can see the things god made--the stars, the trees, the moon, this beautiful earth, amazing humans. but you can see the other things too--the bombs, the wars, the cruelty. but wait--isn't that humans that are creating that horrible stuff, humans that are doing that?
but we are all human...and you wonder, why did god put us here; was it to just mess around and see what happens? see what kind of reaction we can get?

it's all faith.

so you wonder...and you lean on other people...and you question...and, hopefully, you will pray, and read your bible. and in the end, you come out of the cocoon, a beautiful butterfly, stronger than the caterpillar you once were, because of your trials. and then you start your own dance. and you continue on dancing, until you hit another mountain. and then (sadly) you go back to the caterpillar...and begin the cycle again.

so how can i, a current dancer, help my caterpillar friends? by doing what i tell them to do. pray and read my bible, lean on others when i need it. it's just what mike's been talking about--the body of christ.

just keep on dancing, and pull others into the dance. it's a web of dancers. and we're all connected.

a beautiful web...

...of butterfly dancers.


does this post make any sense at all? i don't know. i wrote it late last night...and reading it over, it makes sense to me. but that's me, and i'm insane. so hopefully it makes some amount of sense.
but then again, this post was for me to get things out. and it makes sense to me. so that's all that matters!

Monday, September 25, 2006


ok...the reason why i'm up at 6am...i officially hate nightmares! they scare me and make it so i can't sleep...and i've been having them so often tonight. it was two of them, together. it started at was all good, we were watching movies in the gym. there were a bunch of couches set up. and then mike got a phone call...coltan had died, from an overdose of mixed drugs. i cried, and so did other people...then it morphed into like "the next day" i was at my cabin (but it was way different...) and i was still mourning coltan. but some stuff happened, and more stuff, and then it was evening. and i was sitting outside on a couch, watching a lightening storm with my family...and trees were falling down, and things were being shot at...basically we were under attack. but not us exactly. it was like a sniper. but then he started shooting at us...and then i saw this little, crouched down guy with a shotgun come out of the shadows. but i didn't say anything. and i saw his shawdow walk around the couch to the end where my head was, and put the shotgun to my head...
and that's when i woke up. i didn't jump awake...i forced myself to wake up. because it's so much worse when you don't open your eyes...


Thursday, September 21, 2006


Nature rain rain, go away, come again another day...

ok guys. it has been gloomy and raining all week.

now don't get me wrong...i love the rain. i really do. but after a whole week of this gray, gloomy, off-and-on can't really help but get sick of it.

but hey! there are things to look forward to...such as the week is almost over. the dance is tonight. youth is tomorrow. good things are around the corner!

anyways, i would just like to comment on the fact that i am getting a hold over my life. just relaxing and remembering to breathe is really helping me out. i just have to remind myself that i am not alone...GOD is always with me, and i have some amazing friends who have stood by my side, even when all i can do is complain about all the work.

"i can do all things in Christ who strengthens me" --Phillipians chapter 4

this has really been my verse this week...just remember that he is always there with me, to talk to and to listen and just's been good.

my comfort is my BIBLE...i love just sitting down and reading it, with highlighter and pen in hand! my goal over the next while (a long while, i'm thinking) is to go through and read books, one at a time...and to highlight the verses that i like. but i wanna go through and look at everything i have noted or highlighted, and write down in detail, what i think of the verse, how it has made me feel, etc. i'm really excited about that little project.

and the dance. i'm excited about that too.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Frustrations of School


ok katelynn. deep breaths. relax.

breathe in...
...breathe out.
breathe in...
...breathe out.

ok. i am just going a wee bit crazy over school. i mean, i love school and everything, i really do. i'm just feeling very smothered and overworked!! i am getting way more homework than i ever did last year...and there are so many other things that i am involved in that are taking up my evenings and time...
it's just too much!!! i can't handle it all!!! all the homework, and spending time with friends and family, and studying, and music, and sports, and babysitting, and all the other stuff i am involved in!! and GOD!! where does he fit into all this???


breathe in...
...breathe out.
breathe in...
...breathe out.

ok. so what i need to do is organize myself. use my day planner, even more than i have already been using it. schedule my time. make time for things. make sure i am eating and sleeping and look good, but make time for everything else that i need to do. pay attention in class, and use the class time to it's fullest. work hard in sports. be on time.
all this stuff...i can do this.
i think i can, i think i can, i know i can, i know i can...yes. i can do this. i can. and i will.

just relax...

breathe in...
...breathe out.
breathe in...
...breathe out.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Weight Issues

Funny Phrases i am so sick and tired of weight and pounds!! i mean, why does everyone have to be skinny?? all the celebrities are like "oh yeah you have to be thin, you have to be this and that to be someone". well you don't! you can be heavier than 100 pounds! *gasp*! did i just say that it's possible to be more than 100 pounds??? you bet i did! why do you have to be thin to be someone, to look good, to be attractive, to feel important, whatever? it should be more about health, not to be the skinniest person alive! and i'm not saying that i want the world to be obese, because 1) that's slightly disgusting and 2) it's unhealthy! it should be more important to be healthy than to worry about how much you weigh. so you are a little "overweight". who cares, because you are eating healthy, you're active, and you're comfortable in your own skin! and that's a big part of it! being comfortable with you are. as the olay commercial goes, "love the skin you're in". and i agree with that. you should love your body. sure, there might be parts of it that youd don't like, but hey! you balance out, right? so you really don't like your nose, but you love your feet! you just gotta learn to love yourself.
i'm sick and tired of hearing people complain that they are fat.

on the other hand, i know that i have been like that, and i know i have said that i was fat. as much as i hate to admit it, i know that i have said that. but you know what? i'm different now. i'm getting over it. slowly but surely. making progress everyday. not that i was ever a hospitalized anorexic or anything. but i had my days when i was like "I'M FAT!!!" and then i wouldn't eat as much as i should. but those days are over!!! (or in the progress of being over).

on yet the OTHER hand (what!?!?!?! you're an alien and have THREE hands???) i find it really wierd when people tell you you're too skinny. like it makes sense when someone actually is like dangerously skinny. but sometimes people are telling me that i'm too skinny, and i'm around people the same size as me, and no one ever says that to just makes me wonder. and it's not like i never eat in front of people, i do. i don't like to, but i do. it's stupid!!! (stupid stupid, in fact. ha.) i don't know. sometimes it just really bugs me. it's like "thanks for caring guys, and i love you too, but I'M PERFECTLY FINE!! LOOK AT ALL THE OTHER GIRLS AROUND YOU THAT YOU ARE ALSO SPENDING TIME WITH! THEY ARE THE SAME SIZE! GET ON THEIR CASE FOR ONCE!" and i mean, i know it's a--compliment??--to be called skinny or whatever...and i don't really mind when people come up and go "you're so thin!" because it makes me feel...nice? special? something like that. probably not a good thing, but i'll deal with that later. anyways, it's after that, when they go "i wish i could be like that!!" when they are only like a pound heavier than i am. or they go "you're so thin--too thin. you need to gain weight!!!" and then they shove food down your throat. which sometimes just makes me feel like i have some sort of problem. which i really don't think i do.

so basically, thanks to everyone for caring and for looking out for me and for having my back. and continue to do so, because i see things differently than you do, and i need people to watch out for me so i don't trip and fall, and can't get up by myself.

but at the same's hard. food and weight are touchy subjects for me that i don't really like to talk about...because no one really seems to get it. but that's ok. i get it, for myself.

so let me be myself, let me be wierd. let me talk to myself and stare off into space and zone out. i'm fine. really. just sometimes, even when i'm in a group of people, i just need to be alone.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Long Weekend Blahs

Nature ok. it's monday of the long weekend. i should be all peppy and excited about seeing my friends, laughing over memories of a great weekend, worried about school pictures and volleyball tryouts, and rested up from sleeping in for three days.

but i'm not.

sure, i'm excited to see my friends. but disappointed that i didn't get to spend time with them on the weekend. not laughing over great memories, because i didn't make any super important ones. sure, i had a great time hanging with my family, walking the beach with a super close cousin. i'm not even worried about school pictures or i know something's wrong. and i just haven't been sleeping well.

ok. so looking back on what i just wrote, maybe the weekend wasn't a complete waste of time. but i can't help looking back on it without sadness. you see, while we were at my cabin, my great aunt called, to tell us that my grandfather's only brother had passed away. it was really sad and hard, because my grandpa and grandma were really close to him. and they had just been out to see him a few days ago. they were overcome with memories and sadness...and it was so very hard to see them that way. i had never seen them like that before.

so the funeral is tomorrow. and my parents are going. my sister's and i are staying here, relying on friends to drive us around to the places we need to get to.

but it's kinda hard. the phone call came...and i answered the phone. i didn't know who it was, i didn't recognize my great-aunt's voice (because i don't know her very well). she asked for my grandpa or grandma...and i gave the phone to my grandma and she went to another room to talk. and we had just been joking around a few minutes ago...and after i handed off the phone, i looked at my grandpa. and he goes "it's lucille. i could here her voice". and i was thinking "no, it can't be. not now, not yet". but somehow, he knew. he was mentally preparing himself...because a few minutes later, my grandma comes back and says "ed passed away about an hour ago".

it was hard just to see everyone's faces crumple. and i felt bad, because i couldn't really relate. i mean, i felt really sorry, and almost started crying...but i don't really know uncle ed. i don't have a visual picture of him. and i felt bad for that.

i guess i'm just overall feeling kinda down in the dumps right now. i feel the grief and pain of my family, and i don't know what to do with it. this is the closest that death has ever hit me...and it really makes me wonder what would happen if something happened to someone closer to me...