Thursday, December 29, 2005

Follow Your Heart

~~::My best advice right now::~~

Follow your heart. That's all I can say. 'Cuz your heart is the true, inside of you. Listen to what you really feel.

Follow your heart
Your intuition
It will lead you in the right direction
Let go of your mind
Your Intuition Is easy to find
Just follow your heart baby

Lyrics from 'Intuition' by Jewel

Friday, December 23, 2005

Beat of My Own Drum

I've been saying a lot how I've been really confused, and how I'm second guessing myself and questioning everything I believe.
But maybe it's just a question of being comfortable with myself. To trust myself. Other people too, but first I need to trust myself. But trusting myself is so much harder than trusting other people...

I guess I just have to march to the beat of my own drum, and not worry about what other people think.
And maybe that's when things will fall back into place.

I'm up from my down,
I turn it around,
But making it back,
I'm not gonna drown,
I'm taking a stance,
I won't miss a chance,
I want you to see,
I'm not scared to dance,
The way that you feel,
Could never be real,
I want you know I finished the DEAL,
So I'm saying to you,
I'll always be true,
To the rhythm inside,

To the beat of my,
To the beat of my ,
To the beat of my heart

Lyrics from 'Beat of My Heart' by Hilary Duff

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Where Has Life Gone, And Where Is It Going?

Life is just being so confusing. Maybe it's just me, and how I view the world. But I know other people who are also struggling, so maybe it's not just me...

I just feel like I'm trying to find my place in the world, you know? Like I don't know where I fit in.

All these problems in life...and you have to solve them. But in order to solve a problem, you must first figure out the problem and isolate what needs to be fixed. Not always an easy task!

I'm really not sure how to explain this all. So I'm going to put an e-mail in here that I sent to a friend, in which I was trying to figure things out, to sort through things. Sorry if it's hard to follow!

people are always saying how you hafta believe in yourself, and follow your heart. but what do you do when you dont believe in yourself because you don't know what you believe anymore, and when you don't know what your heart is saying?
you told me that i need to sort thru my problems, to find a solution for them...and to not worry about things so much. maybe i need to relax. i never saw myself as an uptight worrier, but maybe i am.
but to sort thru your problems, don't you first need to know what they are?
if that's the case, i think i've figured out my problems, thank goodness. but how do you solve things? like i said, how can you figure something out when you don't trust yourself? when you second guess every thought that you have?
im always telling people to be positive thinkers, that things will get better. i've always been the positive one. and im still positive...for everyone but myself.
but i don't always act depressed or messed up...i always seem so happy, so hyper. at least that's what i think. but what do other people think? i want to see myself the way other people see me.
i always tell people to be honest with me. am i not being honest with myself?
or is this just a whole thing that im making too big of a deal about?
will my foundation, that i thought so strong, fall down? will it crumble to pieces?
and if it does...
will i be caught underneath?

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

Lyrics from 'Listen to Your Heart' by D.H.T.

Make up your mind, and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me I'll be fine
The last time you yelled at me I swore that I heard you say
I wish I hadn't met you at all.
I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning

Lyrics from 'Make Up Your Mind' by Theory of a Deadman

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Jealous???...Or Just Needy???

Does that even make sense???

But whatever, I just really need to get some stuff figured out right now, and writing (aka typing) things down usually helps, so here goes...

Basically, everybody is in love. Or so it seems. So many of my friends right now have a boyfriend/girlfriend, or are planning to ask someone out in the very near future.

And I say "Go for it!! Be happy!! I'm happy when you're happy!". And that's the truth. I think...

At least I don't like anyone right now. I don't think...but we'll leave that out of this, lest this get even more confusing...

Anyways, back to the real problem: My friends and their significant others!! Like I said, I'm happy for everyone in a relationship. It's great. I can see that. And I'm happy when the people closest to me are happy. But I have needs too...don't I???

It's hard for me to get my emotional "people" needs out in the open, becaue for so long I have denied them. I kinda have a reputation of being the advice giver, the "phsycologist", if you will. And I like the job. I like giving advice. And, so people tell me, I'm usually pretty good at it.

And I put my friends before myself. I always do. And I like it that way. I don't like to focus on myself, because it makes me feel selfish. So, in a way, I'm being even more selfish, to think about other people and try to help them just so I won't feel selfish.

Wow, even more confusing...

But now I'm thinking--"I still want to put my friends first. My friends are my life. But do I have needs too?? And if I do, what are they?". That's what I'm thinking. Because when I see them all standing there hugging their "special friend", in a way, I feel left out. Neglected. Alone. Unloved.

Now I know that none of it is true. I know I'm loved. People tell me that all the time. I know I have friends. I'm always with people.

But sometimes...

Sometimes it's just awkward. I feel like I should leave, and let them be. The old third wheel deal.

So basically my question is this:

"I have emotional needs. What are they? How can I satisfy them?"

But I don't know what they are!! I think I need love. Not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend. Just the assurance, ya know? That hug that's always there, the knowing, the talking with your eyes. I know I can do it with people, and they know it too. People know I like hugs, know I need to be talked to...or do they? How come other people always get hugs when they walk up to people, but I'm left out? Is it my fault? Do I bring this upon myself???

If anyone has the answers, please share...

I need help along my journey...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Sorry...Will I Forever Be Saying This Word?

This post...well, first off, I want to use it to say that I'm sorry. I really am. And this going out to whom it may know who you are. Know that I'm sorry...I really mean it.
I'm sorry, I love you. *hug*
Hope it makes it all better.

And now for the second part...

It kinda goes along with the title--"will I forever be saying that I'm sorry?"
Because I really wonder. Will I never find that perfect place where I never hurt anyone again? Or am I destined to hurt people forever more? Is everyone always going to be hurting someone?
Is there anything that doesn't hurt someone?

Thursday, December 01, 2005


I won't be sucked bakc into this crazy cycle with Kellen...will I???

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back...Now Where???

well well well...
why does it always seem that I'm so confused??? And I really don't like being confused!!!! grr!!!

Once again, this post is about Kellen. wow I have no life. all I talk about is Kellen!! Kellen this, Kellen that...but I don't like him!! Don't get that wrong...because a lot of people are saying that I do, but I don't. At least not right now. I know it.

In fact, Kellen is actually starting to get on my nerves a bit. Now, I would never hurt Kellen, I mean, he's my friend, and I love him. But seriously, he has a really twisted way of...I don't know how to explain it...a twisted way of...doing thigs, shall we say.

For example, I say one thing, ONE THING, and he can get all mad about it.
If I say the wrong thing.
If I say it with the wrong tone of voice.
If I say it sarcastically.
If I don't say it sarcastically.
Or if I sometimes even just talk to another guy. I mean, it's out of control!! And he has no right to be saying who I should be talking to, or to make fun of me for talking to someone. Or to say that I like a person just because I say hi. All of which he does. And it's not like he and I are going out or anything!! Because we're not!!!

And then he goes into the whole "you hate me, you don't like me, you say you love me but you don't..." kind of stuff, which makes me feel bad. So I say "of course I love you, I don't hate you..." but he never believes me...or does he???

It's like he's getting me to chase him...and I'm so sick of it!!
I don't want to lose Kellen as a friend, but I cannot live like this!! I feel (at times) as if he is controlling my life!! This needs to stop...
I want to be friends, but not if this is "friends".

Now I just have to explain this to Kellen...

Oh won't this be fun...

I can just tell right now that he is going to take this the wrong way...

Maybe I shouldn't say anything...

Or should I???