Wednesday, July 12, 2006

crazy thought train

i am really worried about some stuff right now. mainly this whole parent/boyfriend issue. my parents still haven't really talked to me about it...they haven't given me a punishment or anything really. my mom has talked to me a little bit about it, but my dad hasn't even mentioned it to me. i know that he knows, because my mother told him. but he hasn't brought it up or anything, which is really wierd. i thought he would want to talk to me about it. and it doesn't help that my mom wants me to break up with keith. yeah, she actually told me that. but i haven't told keith that yet. i told him that my parents know, and that they weren't too happy. but i didn't tell him that she wanted me to break up with him. i wanted to tell him that in person. but it's kinda looking like she won't let me see him, even to talk about this. so i guess i will have to tell him over the phone...which i really don't want to do. and it's not like i am going to break up with him. i just think he needs to know. it's not fair of me to keep that information from him. but i would rather do that in person. but mother won't let me see him. i guess i will have to work on her for that. i just really need to talk to him about it. and over the phone is so...well not really impersonal, because at least you can hear their voice and everything. but it's so awkward on the phone. it would just be better in person. that's why i haven't told him sooner. i wanted to tell him in person. and it's not like i really want to tell him...i mean who wants to say "my mother wants me to break up with you?" not me. and i don't even want to break up with him! but here was my conversation with my mother (or something very close to it):

scene: mother invades daughter in walk-in closet late at night

mother: i want you to be able to be a 15-year-old girl. you shouldn't have to worry about boys and relationships. it may seem that boys are the way to go, but not yet. there's time for that. i don't mind if you hang out with boys, or even if you have crushes on them. that's perfectly normal. i would be worried if you didn't. but you don't need to be kissing and holding hands yet. you are only 15. enjoy being a 15-year-old girl with no pressures of dating.

daughter(aka me): (thinking) well what if enjoying being a 15-year-old girl is doing what i am doing? i am having fun and enjoying who i am and who i am with. right mom. mmhmm. i understand what you are saying.

mother: you understand, but are you really listening? or are you just tuning me out?

daughter: no mom, i am actually hearing you. i understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. that doesn't mean that i agree with what you are saying, but i do hear you.

mother: i guess that's all i can ask for.


daughter: hey before when we were talking, did you just tell me to break up with him?

mother: yes, i did.


daughter: hey mom i don't mean to be disrespectful or anything here, but i want you to know that i can't just decide to break up with him because you said so. it's going to take a lot of thinking (and a major change in the situation and how i feel; i am thinking) for me to come to that decision. i want you to know that it's not something that is going to happen right away.

mother: all right. i just hope that you abide by the rules your father and i have set for you and wait until you're 16.

daughter: are you going to forbid me to see him?

mother: good night...

the end!

so there you have it. the pretty close to actual version of the conversation between my mother and me. exciting as always, hmm?? but i am would be so hard to do. like i cannot just do that. i can't be like "hey my mom wants me to break up with you so i am going to because i am the perfect mother has not exactly forbid me (she hasn't talked to me about it exactly so i am macho confuzzled) but has said that she disapproves, and because i want her approval in everything i do i am ending this now...even though i totally don't want to and still like you a lot". yeah. that's exactly what i am going to say. not! i can't do it. even if they forced me...i don't think i could go through with it. i can't do it! there you have it--my confession to the world (ok not really because everyone already knows this) but i can't do it! i don't want to end this! sure, i want to listen to my parents. i am a good kid, what can i say? it's the way i have been brought up. but now that my parents know, i have a lot less guilt. i still kinda feel guilty about the past, but i am trying to put it behind me...or at least lock it up where i don't think about it constantly. i am glad that my parents know. i am glad that it's out in the open. but this has not made me and my parents closer. not at all. if anything, it has made things awkward between my mother and me. not that we were close before, or anything. sometimes she tries...but it's always awkward. i can tell. even when she was talking to me (converstaion above) i could tell that she felt awkward. maybe it's the whole "oldest daughter is growing up" type thing. i don't know. but i do know that we are not close. sometimes i want to be close with her. to be able to go out with my friends and then come home and tell her funny stories that happened that night, and to have her get it. maybe that's the thing--she doesn't seem to get it. what i find funny, she doesn't find funny. it's like we don't have a common interest, or a bond. and i guess that is my fault. i mean, i am her daughter. i know that i share some traits or hobbies or something with her. i know that for a fact. i guess i just never pursued them because i wasn't brought up as mommy's little girl. i was always a daddy's girl. and that's the way i still am. i usually perfer my dad to my mother. and it sounds harsh, i know. it's not like i love one more that the other. i don't know, i guess it just depends on moods. my mother and i don't always get along. but really, who does get along with their mother? and it's not like we fight all the time...half the time we pretty much ignore each other anyways. we're not ice cold towards each other, but it's not like we're best friends. just civil. i don't know, it's the way it's always been. and in some ways i want it to be different...but that would be awkward. and i always say it's awkward for her...maybe it's awkward or me. but i try to keep communication lines open...ahh!!! i don't know! i am tired of talking about this. i am tired of talking about my mother. but i guess the one other reason that i don't want to be close with her right now is because then i will have to tell her about some stuff from the past. stuff that i really don't want to bring up. stuff that only a few of my friends know about...and most don't even probably know that whole story. i don't even know the whole story. i don't want to dig that deep into my box where i keep all those thoughts and memories. i think i would die. it's just too hard.
so those things will stay hidden deep down...way down where no one will venture down to. because no one really wants to hear that stuff.
and really, it's not like it's really that bad. no secret drugs, no sleeping around with guys or anything. but just the way that my image is, the good girl thing...i don't know. i told a couple people a little bit, and everyone is like "wow! i would never expect that from you!" and then they get on my case and just smother me in what they think is some TLC...and sometimes it is. but too much is too much, you know? it's the times when they force me to eat. when they make sure someone is feeding me. yeah, it's touching, and nice to know that i am cared about. but sometimes i feel like it is fake. i know i shouldn't really say that about my friends, because i have some of the best friends in the world and don't know what i would do without them. and some of them i totally trust and have no second thoughs about. although sometimes i do wonder about a few of them...but i still love them. always will. i am just that kind of person.

i have been up since 5:30am. i couldn't sleep. all these thoughts just keep running through my head. so then i read my book "pitch black" by melody carlson...i finished it. it was really good. but it is causing more thoughts to run through my head...don't worry. i'm not gonna do myself in or anything like that. but i am really tired, and feel kinda sick, and all these crazy thoughts keep running through my head, over and over and over, until it feels silly to still be thinking about the same things, and stupid to talk about this to anyone. even though there are people out there close to me who know exactly how i feel (sometimes before i even say it!), i still feel kind of dumb talking about it. i was reading an earlier post (like from a few months ago) and it said something like "how come other girls can go on and on about their crushes and i can't because everyone just seems to tune me out?" and i'm sorta changing that...because sometimes i feel like other people can talk and talk about the same issues i am going through, but when i try to talk about them i just feel ignored. but usually i get something out of the other person who is going through the same thing so i just pay extra attention to how they are doing and the advice they are getting! sounds kinda mean i guess...but not really. i know i have friends and people i can go to with everything, but sometimes it is just easier to keep to keep everything bottled up inside.

Saturday, July 08, 2006


i am so confused! because my mother wants me to break up with keith...but i don't want to!! i don't know...i am so confused. i just don't know what to do...and i am in regina, so i can't talk to anyone...and keith was at camp, so i couldn't talk to him before i left...i just don't know what to do! it's all so confuzzling.

random writings...

june 20, 2006...

sometimes i just feel like becoming totally hard towards them [my parents]...but i don't want to lose the closeness i have with my friends that i know i will lose if i become hard. i am an emotional person, and i like it that way. maybe i can just learn to block out my parents and not the rest of the world. to just bottle it all up inside...but to be free enough to escape the prison that i will surely be putting myself in as long as i don't lock the door i can get out, right? more fire to play of these times i am going to get burned. look out for the day!

july 4, 2006...

i almost told her today. almost. some ways i wish that i could tell her and daddy. i wish i didn't have to go behind their backs. in some ways, i wish that i had their permission and support. but at the same time, i am glad with how it is going. i have no regrets as to how i answered that question. the past 2 1/2 weeks have been so much fun--something of a kind of joy that i haven't had for so long. ...this [relationship] is what makes me happy, this is what makes me smile. ...but the fact that we are friends, and such close friends at that. i trust him--i trust him a lot. and he makes me laugh and smile; i like that. it is so rare that i find a guy who will make me laugh, who will hold me when i cry, will listen to me scream when i am frustrated. i don't know where i stop telling him how i am feeling and he starts [figuring it out for himself]. ...but we are getting to know each other more and more, growing closer all the time. and as we learn about the other person, as we dig deeper to know them, we open up to each other. and as we bare our souls a little more, as we show our hearts a little clearer, we not only learn [about] each other, we learn to know ourselves. and it makes us a little better, a little stronger. and maybe, just maybe, with enough courage, love, and support, we will learn to like--dare i say love?--ourselves.

july 6, 2006...

i need to tell my parents. i know that. but i am scared to do it. i'm not really scared of being punished, exactly. i know i deserve it. but i am scared that they will forbid me from seeing keith, or worse, try to break us up. and i really don't want that, because i really do like him. and i would feel so bad if i had to say "i'm not allowed to see you until i'm 16" because i don't want to force him to wait for me. that would be so hard. bottom line--i don't want to hurt him.
that is, perhaps, my greates fear. hurting people. people say to me, "well if you wuldn't have said yes in the first place, this mess wouldn't have started and you wouldn't hurt him". but i still would have hurt him. because i liked him, and he knew it. i couldn't just say no. i liked him. i still do.
i feel so bad and guilty and horrible, because i feel like i forced grace into this mess. and i supposed, that in a way, i did. i pushed for it. i wanted to see them together. and i felt so...naughty, to have grace tell her parents that one of the reasons she did this was because i was. i feel like her parents will look at me and say "there's katelynn, that horrible girl who has a bad influence on our gracie". and i don't want that. i like her parents. i want them to like me. but now i feel like such a bad person...and i wouldn't be surprised if grace pretty much hates my guts. i mean, yeah, she knows that it was [mostly] her fault...but friends do have a lot of influence. i should know.
i just feel like a horrible person, lying to my parents and getting grace into this mess. and i'm scared for leon. the poor guy likes grace so much.

[later] july 6, 2006...

well, i told her. ar eyou happy now, world? i told her. i told her about grace and leon, and i told her about keith and i. and it wasn't actually that bad, or that hard. she the "i'm dissapointed but still love you" speech. but when she said that she wondered what the owen's thought of her, for raising a daughter who would have a bad influence on their daughter...just the way she said it was like saying "sure, you shamed yourself, katelynn; but worse, you have shamed this family, and most importantly, me." i can handle their disappointment, because i've "disapointed" them so much. but to say that i shamed her, that i jeopardized her relationship with mrs. owen because of a mistake...that hurt. to hear that she felt ashamed of me...that's worse. that just makes me feel like i'm worthless.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006



ughh...why is there someone kicking my foot? ah don't hit my stomach! grr...go away! let me sleep!

"katelynn...katie wake up!!"

i opened my eyes to see steph standing over me. at first i was like what's going on?? then i remembered that i had to get up and have a shower.

"ok steph. ok. im awake. i promise."

"ok katie, well, can you wake grace up? im gonna go have a shower...knock on the door in about eight minutes."

"ok steph. you go have a shower. ill wake up grace. ...grace, wake up! gracie, time to get up...have to have a shower this morning..."

ok. so now me and grace were up. and steph was in the shower. and now i had to get in the shower. wow. a shower really wakes you up. and by the time i was out of the shower, and grace was out of the shower, most people were up. up, but not awake. im sure we all looked like zombies wandering around the church.

most of us girls were blow drying or straightening our hair, fixing our outfits, and all that stuff. eventually we sat down for our breakfast of strawberry poptarts and (more) chocolate milk. although we did have some of those big nibs. but i took one bite and decided i didn't want it, so i gave it to leon. he stuck it in his mouth, pulled it back out, and a piece of gum came out with it. yes, the gum was stuck to the end of the nib.

it was really wierd.

so then we cleaned the church. it really wasn't that hard. i was assigned to do one of the single bathrooms on the main floor. i just had to wipe down the counter top and sink, the mirror, and the shower. it was easy.

once we got to rexall place, we had some worship with tree63. these guys were really good. it was really amazing. so then we had another big main session, but this time this urkranian guy came to talk to us--his name was zhenya kasevich.

yeah i don't know how to pronounce it either. but that's how it's spelt.

this guy was interesting to listen to, because he had an accent, and also because he was really passionate about god, and he wanted us all to feel the same. he kep saying stuff like "isn't that amazing, young people! give it up for god!" it was kinda neat. the only bad thing was that our whole group was oober tired, and we all just wanted to sleep. grace leaned over and fell asleep on my shoulder. steph was half asleep. i was sitting in my chair with my eyes closed, trying to pay attention...but i know i zoned out through half of it, maybe i was asleep, maybe i wasn't. leon and kent slept too. but lynette kept nudging us and saying "don't go to sleep! wake up! don't lie down! keep your eyes open!" thankfully none of us started snoring or anything. because he really was a good speaker. he was passionate about what he was doing, which made him that much more interesting. we had just had a long weekend.

after this main session, we went to more mini sessions. there were three sessions on sunday. here's what i went to:
1st session: barlow girl! yay barlow girl! steph, grace and i went, and we just sat on the bleachers and listened. we were too tired to be really into it, but it was really good to see them live, especially since grace and i are playing one of their songs.
2nd session: stellar kart! yes, i know we already saw them. but we just had to go back--they are so amazing! we met up with leon, kent and kevin outside the concert hall, and all went in. today they had cleared away all the benches, and stellar kart played and played--and we moshed and moshed!! it was so much fun. i think steph still has a bruise. one of the funniest parts was when the three guys went up to these two other random guys, put their arms around them, and started jumping. then when the song was over, they just walked away. it was really hilarious to see the looks on the faces of these guys. they had no idea what was going on, but after a few seconds they started jumping right along. they didn't mind.

when stellar kart was almost done, we left and walked around, trying to find a place where we could get a drink. we finally bought some drinks after standing in line for about 20 minutes (and seeing ben). but our pop was flat! we returned the first cup, thinking it was just that type of pop. but when they gave us another of a different kind and it was still flat, we were just like "whatever". we weren't impressed, but we dealt with it. we were too thirsty to care much more.

3rd session: after getting our drinks, we went to KJ-52. i would like to say that he was also amazing, but i can't really comment. we were sitting down on the floor, and he started singing/rapping or whatever he was doing, and we were all sitting there, leaning on each other, and finally we were like "ok we're tired and it's loud in here...let's go outside and sleep".

so we did.

well not quite. we went and sat across from the parking lot on a strip of grass. leon layed down and i sat against him, and the other four randomly sat down. and we were just talking, and pulling grass from the ground, when suddenly steph starts this big grass fight. so the four of them are all running around, looking like idiots throwing grass at each other, while leon and i are just sitting there laughing at them because they look so silly.
and then the guys decide to ask us a really hard question--"what's the difference between hott and cute when you're talking about guys?" so we didn't answer them because we knew if we answered their question, they would say "so are we hott or cute?" and we didn't want to answer that. it would just be awkward.

so finally all the sessions were over and we went back inside to our seats, to listen to miles' last session. and once again, it was truly an amazing experience! you gotta love miles. we also had some more great worship with tree63.
then the newsboys came to play! yay! they were pretty good. i hadn't ever really listened to them before, but they're not bad. some of the songs i knew, like worship songs, but most i didn't know.
ok i would just like to insert in here that while the newsboys were playing, i got really, really sad. and i don't know why. but i had tears in my eyes, and i was almost shaking from trying to keep them in. not that i have a problem crying in front of people. but the newsboys are playing their songs, and everyone is like jumping around and all hyper, and there i am, shivering, and trying not to cry!

and i would just like to take this opportunity to say that rexall place is very cold!! like really really really shiver-to-death cold! i think i got hypothermia from being in there!


but seriously it was so cold!
anyways. back to my random sadness. so people kept looking at me and asking me if i was ok. (at this point i wasn't crying, but was having a very hard time not crying.) lynette asked me if i was ok, because i looked sad. anthony asked me if i was alright. keith asked me. steph and grace asked me. and all these people asked me multiple times. but i just "smiled" and said "yeah, i'm i like like im not ok?" and i would just give them a wierd look, as if to say you are crazy, what are you talking about!? but finally i couldn't take it anymore. a couple tears slid down my cheeks, and i knew that i was a goner. but i was sitting beside keith and sam or someone, and i didn't want to just be crying while everyone else was jumping around. so i stood up, climbed over my seat (grace and steph were sitting behind me) and just totally collapsed in tears on grace's lap.
and in the process, kind of half landed on kent's lap...he was sitting next to grace. but he just kinda moved and grace pulled me more onto her so it all worked out. poor kent. a random crying girl landing half on top of him. he'll be scarred for life.
fortunately for me grace is a great girl, and she just held me and hugged me and just let me cry. and steph was right there too, asking me what was wrong and saying all sorts of random soothing things.
i am so glad i have great friends.
so i finally calmed down, told them that i had no idea why i was crying, and went back to my seat. where i nearly froze to death and keith had to force his sweatshirt upon me. haha. and lynette made me stand up. and that made me more cold. but then the newsboys sang the breakfast song, and it was all good.

anyways after the whole newsboys concert it was the end of YC 2006. so we went to go back to good ol' saskatoon. but see, because one of the vans had broken down, we had to send 8 people on the emmanuel bus--including me.
it wasn't all bad. at first we thought it was going to be horrible because the 8 of us were all split up among the seats. but after we went to wendy's (ewew it was so disgusting, i don't think i will ever be able to eat there again--there was grease dripping off the burgers!! nasty!) they were able to sit all 8 of us in a little box of seats near the front. so that way we could all sit together and feel much more at ease.
so the whole way back we just basically talked with each other and some other random people on the bus, sat on each other, and finally tried to sleep. a lot of crazy things happened on that bus...but you don't really want to know about them all. the people who were there can remember for themselves.


sorry that YC PART 3 is so late! i realize that it has been a month since i have last posted...and that YC was over a month and a half ago. it's just that life has been really busy with my relationships and school/finals and everything! it's going to be a wierd summer...i will try to keep my blog updated as much as possible!