Thursday, December 29, 2005

Follow Your Heart

~~::My best advice right now::~~

Follow your heart. That's all I can say. 'Cuz your heart is the true, inside of you. Listen to what you really feel.

Follow your heart
Your intuition
It will lead you in the right direction
Let go of your mind
Your Intuition Is easy to find
Just follow your heart baby

Lyrics from 'Intuition' by Jewel

Friday, December 23, 2005

Beat of My Own Drum

I've been saying a lot how I've been really confused, and how I'm second guessing myself and questioning everything I believe.
But maybe it's just a question of being comfortable with myself. To trust myself. Other people too, but first I need to trust myself. But trusting myself is so much harder than trusting other people...

I guess I just have to march to the beat of my own drum, and not worry about what other people think.
And maybe that's when things will fall back into place.

I'm up from my down,
I turn it around,
But making it back,
I'm not gonna drown,
I'm taking a stance,
I won't miss a chance,
I want you to see,
I'm not scared to dance,
The way that you feel,
Could never be real,
I want you know I finished the DEAL,
So I'm saying to you,
I'll always be true,
To the rhythm inside,

To the beat of my,
To the beat of my ,
To the beat of my heart

Lyrics from 'Beat of My Heart' by Hilary Duff

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Where Has Life Gone, And Where Is It Going?

Life is just being so confusing. Maybe it's just me, and how I view the world. But I know other people who are also struggling, so maybe it's not just me...

I just feel like I'm trying to find my place in the world, you know? Like I don't know where I fit in.

All these problems in life...and you have to solve them. But in order to solve a problem, you must first figure out the problem and isolate what needs to be fixed. Not always an easy task!

I'm really not sure how to explain this all. So I'm going to put an e-mail in here that I sent to a friend, in which I was trying to figure things out, to sort through things. Sorry if it's hard to follow!

people are always saying how you hafta believe in yourself, and follow your heart. but what do you do when you dont believe in yourself because you don't know what you believe anymore, and when you don't know what your heart is saying?
you told me that i need to sort thru my problems, to find a solution for them...and to not worry about things so much. maybe i need to relax. i never saw myself as an uptight worrier, but maybe i am.
but to sort thru your problems, don't you first need to know what they are?
if that's the case, i think i've figured out my problems, thank goodness. but how do you solve things? like i said, how can you figure something out when you don't trust yourself? when you second guess every thought that you have?
im always telling people to be positive thinkers, that things will get better. i've always been the positive one. and im still positive...for everyone but myself.
but i don't always act depressed or messed up...i always seem so happy, so hyper. at least that's what i think. but what do other people think? i want to see myself the way other people see me.
i always tell people to be honest with me. am i not being honest with myself?
or is this just a whole thing that im making too big of a deal about?
will my foundation, that i thought so strong, fall down? will it crumble to pieces?
and if it does...
will i be caught underneath?

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

Lyrics from 'Listen to Your Heart' by D.H.T.

Make up your mind, and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me I'll be fine
The last time you yelled at me I swore that I heard you say
I wish I hadn't met you at all.
I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning

Lyrics from 'Make Up Your Mind' by Theory of a Deadman

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Jealous???...Or Just Needy???

Does that even make sense???

But whatever, I just really need to get some stuff figured out right now, and writing (aka typing) things down usually helps, so here goes...

Basically, everybody is in love. Or so it seems. So many of my friends right now have a boyfriend/girlfriend, or are planning to ask someone out in the very near future.

And I say "Go for it!! Be happy!! I'm happy when you're happy!". And that's the truth. I think...

At least I don't like anyone right now. I don't think...but we'll leave that out of this, lest this get even more confusing...

Anyways, back to the real problem: My friends and their significant others!! Like I said, I'm happy for everyone in a relationship. It's great. I can see that. And I'm happy when the people closest to me are happy. But I have needs too...don't I???

It's hard for me to get my emotional "people" needs out in the open, becaue for so long I have denied them. I kinda have a reputation of being the advice giver, the "phsycologist", if you will. And I like the job. I like giving advice. And, so people tell me, I'm usually pretty good at it.

And I put my friends before myself. I always do. And I like it that way. I don't like to focus on myself, because it makes me feel selfish. So, in a way, I'm being even more selfish, to think about other people and try to help them just so I won't feel selfish.

Wow, even more confusing...

But now I'm thinking--"I still want to put my friends first. My friends are my life. But do I have needs too?? And if I do, what are they?". That's what I'm thinking. Because when I see them all standing there hugging their "special friend", in a way, I feel left out. Neglected. Alone. Unloved.

Now I know that none of it is true. I know I'm loved. People tell me that all the time. I know I have friends. I'm always with people.

But sometimes...

Sometimes it's just awkward. I feel like I should leave, and let them be. The old third wheel deal.

So basically my question is this:

"I have emotional needs. What are they? How can I satisfy them?"

But I don't know what they are!! I think I need love. Not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend. Just the assurance, ya know? That hug that's always there, the knowing, the talking with your eyes. I know I can do it with people, and they know it too. People know I like hugs, know I need to be talked to...or do they? How come other people always get hugs when they walk up to people, but I'm left out? Is it my fault? Do I bring this upon myself???

If anyone has the answers, please share...

I need help along my journey...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Sorry...Will I Forever Be Saying This Word?

This post...well, first off, I want to use it to say that I'm sorry. I really am. And this going out to whom it may know who you are. Know that I'm sorry...I really mean it.
I'm sorry, I love you. *hug*
Hope it makes it all better.

And now for the second part...

It kinda goes along with the title--"will I forever be saying that I'm sorry?"
Because I really wonder. Will I never find that perfect place where I never hurt anyone again? Or am I destined to hurt people forever more? Is everyone always going to be hurting someone?
Is there anything that doesn't hurt someone?

Thursday, December 01, 2005


I won't be sucked bakc into this crazy cycle with Kellen...will I???

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back...Now Where???

well well well...
why does it always seem that I'm so confused??? And I really don't like being confused!!!! grr!!!

Once again, this post is about Kellen. wow I have no life. all I talk about is Kellen!! Kellen this, Kellen that...but I don't like him!! Don't get that wrong...because a lot of people are saying that I do, but I don't. At least not right now. I know it.

In fact, Kellen is actually starting to get on my nerves a bit. Now, I would never hurt Kellen, I mean, he's my friend, and I love him. But seriously, he has a really twisted way of...I don't know how to explain it...a twisted way of...doing thigs, shall we say.

For example, I say one thing, ONE THING, and he can get all mad about it.
If I say the wrong thing.
If I say it with the wrong tone of voice.
If I say it sarcastically.
If I don't say it sarcastically.
Or if I sometimes even just talk to another guy. I mean, it's out of control!! And he has no right to be saying who I should be talking to, or to make fun of me for talking to someone. Or to say that I like a person just because I say hi. All of which he does. And it's not like he and I are going out or anything!! Because we're not!!!

And then he goes into the whole "you hate me, you don't like me, you say you love me but you don't..." kind of stuff, which makes me feel bad. So I say "of course I love you, I don't hate you..." but he never believes me...or does he???

It's like he's getting me to chase him...and I'm so sick of it!!
I don't want to lose Kellen as a friend, but I cannot live like this!! I feel (at times) as if he is controlling my life!! This needs to stop...
I want to be friends, but not if this is "friends".

Now I just have to explain this to Kellen...

Oh won't this be fun...

I can just tell right now that he is going to take this the wrong way...

Maybe I shouldn't say anything...

Or should I???

Friday, November 25, 2005

"Don't Worry 'Bout A Thing" by SHeDAISY

Ever been misunderstood, misused, or misled
Ever knocked on the sky and had it fall on your head
well, don't worry 'bout it, don't worry

Ever lost your luggage, your marbles, your house
Or found yourself in bed with Uncle Sam or Mickey Mouse
Ever been accused of murder on Music Row
Or caught in morning traffic when you really gotta go - Oh no!

Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it

Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing
Ever sat yourself down when the seat is all wet
Or see your "ex" sucking face with a little brunette

Don't worry 'bout it, no don't worry

Ever lost your religion, ever lost your best friend
Or found your last record in the bargain bin
Or been stuck in a divorce like crazy glue
Or scraped someone else's gum off the bottom of your shoe - Boo hoo!

[Repeat Chorus]

(Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah - Blah, Blah,Blah, Blah, Blah, - Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah)

Don't worry, don't worry

We all got a little junk in the trunk
And when you're feelin' good as sunk
Remember, everything will be just fine
If I laugh at yours then you'll laugh at mine

[Repeat Chorus 2x]

(Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah - Blah, Blah,Blah, Blah, Blah, - Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah)

Don't worry, don't worry
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing

(thank you very much)

Thursday, November 24, 2005

So Confused

wow. I really didn't think that life could get any more confusing. But apparently it can.

So I was talking to Tyson today, a really good friend of mine. Coincidentally, also a friend of Kellen's.

So we were talking about Kellen, just 'cause he's been sorta strange lately (wow I have no life, all I talk about it Kellen haha). But anyways, we were just talking back and forth, trying to figure this whole thing out. So Tyson says, "you know that Kellen likes you, right?" and I say "Oh yeah, he told me like a week and a half ago". But then Tyson is saying that Kellen is just trying to get attention from me.

Now, this came as a shock, but at the same time, it didn't. I think it's one of those things when you don't know it, but when it's brought to your attention, you realize that you really did know.

So then Tyson and I talked for like 45 minutes, just trying to figure out what to do with this whole Kellen issue. And we didn't really figure out what to do. And I've been thinking about it ever since, and I'm gonna figure this out! And when I do, I'll put it here so I don't forget ('cause I know I will).

In some ways, it's really sweet that he feels he needs the attention, that he wants attention from me. Sweet, in a very twisted sort of way. I don't want anyone to feel that they need to make me feel bad (Kellen told me that he thinks we can't be friends unless we are more than friends *gag*) just to get attention from me. I want everyone to feel loved by me. The last thing I want to do is hurt myself, or, even worse, would be to hurt a friend.

In another way, I feel very used. I feel like he is just using me to gain friends and attention, to feel loved. Yes, I do love a friend. Right now, that's all I want. The friendship. Maybe later the relationship. But right now, it's just not the right time. I think it would just end up hurting him. But, you never know, things can change in an instant...
And people do keep telling me that we look cute together...

See what I mean when I say that I'm confused???

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


Well well well...

So I guess the good thing is that Kellen never ended up leaving. His grandpa came over and yelled at his dad and said he couldn't go to Toronto, so I guess it all worked out. But just for the update, he was mad at me for like 5 days, and I'm not really sure didn't really make sense. But then toda he said that it was all good, that he wasn't mad anymore. I'm not gonna question it yet, because I don't know what to say. And maybe this time is just one of those times when you drop it and don't say anything.

However, Kellen was seriously depressed or something...I'm not exactly sure, 'cause he like just started talking to me again today. But it was just so wierd. Because he wasn't talking to me, I couldn't just go up to him and ask him what was wrong. Well, okay, I tried that, but it didn't work. So I just left it, observed, and talked to other people. I didn't find anything out, really, but he just seemed so was so hard to see him like that, to see him hurting, and knowing that I couldn't reach him. But I think maybe it helped him a bit, not having me there for a few days. I mean, he knew that he could still come to me, I had made that clear. But he had made it very clear that I had somehow hurt him or broken something, and I wasn't sure what I had done.

But, thankfully, all that is over now. Things are better. Although I still want to know what I did...

Maybe I've been the problem
Maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same

I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy
Maybe I'm the chance of rain
And maybe I'm overcast
And maybe all my luck's washed down the drain

I've been thinking 'bout everyone, Everyone you looks so lonely
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself

lyrics from Stars by Switchfoot

This world, this world is cold
But you don’t, you don’t have to go
You’re feeling sad you’re feeling lonely
And no one seems to care
You’re mother’s gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bare

Hold on...if you feel like letting go
Hold gets better than you know

Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer
Don’t stop searching it’s not over...hold on

lyrics from Hold On by Good Charlotte

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Weekend :'(

Sorry 'bout the sad/crying face, but it's pretty much how I've felt all day.
On Thursday, I found out that one of my best friends, Kellen, is being sent away to a boarding school in Toronto. I've known that he might be leaving for about a month, but it was a real shocker to find out that he is leaving--tomorrow (tuesday). It was horrible. My friend Teaghan and I were crying, we were just so depressed. It's so horrible. So this weekend I've been pretty depressed, trying to come to terms with it, and just talking to Kellen A LOT--a few hours in total! In a way, though, there were some benefits--not of him leaving, exactly, but just the emotion and feeling that it gave us both. We just talked a lot, and there were so many hugs. It was just be with each other, just talking and stuff. He's hoping to get out of going, but who knows...his dad is so strict!! And I don't want him to kill himself, or to run away...but he said he wouldn't.
However...this did give us a chance to get feelings out in the open...aka me finding out that Kellen likes me...
It's a good feeling, and I kinda knew it was coming...but at the same time, it just makes it so much harder for him to leave...
Tomorrow's our last day...

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

"Time of Your Life" by Green Day

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Just thinkin'...

I've just been thinking a lot today about change--maybe this is because we've been studying change in school, maybe it's just 'cause I've been "people watching" lately, and I've noticed how much people change. People change so much!! Whether it be from day to day, mood to mood, year to year...people change. And change is usually good--usually.
But yeah. I was reading over some lyrics from some songs, and a song that stuck out was The Reason by Hoobastank. Here are the lyrics...

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Saturday, November 05, 2005

What to do, What to say...

What do you do when your friend is in the middle of something, and won't let you in? How can you reassure them that it will be all right, that it will get better? Are they telling you the truth? Are they exaggerating? Will they do what they say? Can you trust them? Will they keep their promises? Will they run? Will they sleep, only to never wake up again? Is there another chance? Can you do anything? Can anything be done at all? Or have they gone to that place where no one but themselves can pull them back? What do you do, what do you say?
Will you ever see them again...
Will you ever get to have those conversations...
Will you ever get that one last hug...
Will it get better, or is it all downhill?

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be Perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be
My hero?
All the days You spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t
Care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good
Enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’ alright

lyrics from Perfect by Simple Plan

Saturday, October 29, 2005


Grr!!! Have you ever felt like your living in a world where no one understands you?? That's how I've been feeling lately. I've just felt off kilter with my friends...and then my family...grr!! My parents have been on my case, my sisters are annoying me...and to top it all off, my parents majorly favor my sister!!
Hopefully I'll be able to talk more about this (or other stuff) later.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Day of the Dead

Even though day of the dead is sorta referring to Halloween (which is monday by the way), I feel like it is day of the dead. I just feel so dead. Emotionally and physically. Physically I feel so exhausted from lack of sleep. Emotionally, it has just been such a trying week. And the week isn't even over!!! grr...
I dunno, things have just been very hard this week. My parents have really been on my case again, and my friends have too. My parents are just seriously kinda messed...I mean, I swear that my mom is PMSing...not fun!! And my friends...they are just being wierd. They keep teasing me...which isn't always a bad thing...but they just don't stop!! And it annoys me so much!! But they are the only friends I have...apparently, according to my friends, I have lots of friends...and I guess I do. But most of the time it really doesn't seem like it. And that's depressing.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

October 22, 2005

Don't you just hate it when your parents are constantly on your case??? I know I do. And that's how my parents have been lately--constantly leaning over my shoulder, trying to control my life. Last year they couldn't have cared less when I hung out with guys--I mean, I was hanging out with 3 guys (and me) at 10 pm and they didn't care!! And then this year, 2 guys come over just to chat, and they get all suspicous!! Granted, those 2 guys were here every day for a week...but hey, I have a life!! And seriously, can't they just trust me a little? I mean, it's not like I'm gonna go have sex in the park or something!! Really...
And then they're all like "well you have to do this now", you know, the whole "make sure your room is clean, your homework is done and all your chores before you do anything" deal. I hate that!! Can't they just understand that I need to control my own life? I know what I need to do every day, and I'm going to get it done--on my own time!! Just give me a chance to prove myself!
So that is my little speech for the day--my little vent. I'm really liking that I can just vent here. I'm trying to "vent" or post as much as possible, but it's kinda hard with 2 sisters and parents watching my every move. I'll post as often as I can!! But for now, I must go.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

hey...i have no idea who will be reading this, and right now I really could care less. Right now, I just need a place to vent, somewhere where I can put my thoughs down...and typing is the easiest way. Anyhoo....
So the whole reason for this entry is mainly boys and my friends, and the two kind of tie together. See, three of my closest guy friends like. And I like one of them. Or I think I do. Ever since last week, he has been acting really strange, and I don't know how to address it. I think I'm gonna end up just breaking down, and I really don't want to do that. I know I'm gonna have to confide in someone, I just haven't decided who...
And then there are my girlfriends. Lately I've just felt off kilter with them, if you know what I mean. So I was kinda hanging with the guys. But then this whole thing started...
And I have a question::how come other girls can talk about their crushes forever and ever, but whenever I try to talk about my feelings, I just feel disregarded??? I guess I'll find out a bit more at school tomorrow.