All-nighter

once again, i have pulled off an incredible all-nighter...and i am proud to say that i didn't fall asleep! hence the name all-nighter i guess...

but seriously, the youth all-nighter was last night. and i had a great time just hanging out with friends and playing games bowling and sitting around and trying to sleep and watching Cars and trying to fall asleep again...it didn't work though. i actually tried to fall asleep, and i actually couldn't. it was kind of strange.

so here's my story as to how tired i actually was at 8 this morning (when it ended):
i walked out into the foyer of the church to see if my parents were here yet. and i saw a van drive up, and i'm like sweet they are punctual (it was 8am exactly) and i went back to grab my stuff and say goodbye and everything. then after like five minutes of saying goodbye to people, i walked out of the church, and i'm like wait a minute...my van's not here...and keith yells at me, he's like katelynn your parents aren't even here! so i walked back into the church just laughing my head off, because my parents were there yet, and i hadn't slept for a long time, and it was pretty funny. and then sam is like isn't that your parents...and they had just driven up. so yeah it was pretty funny...or at least i thought so early this morning. so that's my story.

and then i just crashed when i got home...barely had the energy to take out my contacts. but i managed to get down to the basement to crash in the dark spare bedroom. except my dad made me get up this afternoon at 1:50...he said if i didn't get up then my schedule would be so messed up because of sleeping and whatnot...but it's going to be messed up again because of new year's tomorrow....whatever.

so yeah i'm kind of tired right now. but kind of awake. i think i'm only still tired because i'm just sitting around doing nothing...i feel ready to go out and hang out and see my friends again...even though i just spent 12 hours with most of them. but they're all still sleeping i think, and i don't really want to call and wake them up. so i'll just sit here and do nothing. or maybe go back to sleep.

100th Post!

well i would just like to state that this is the 100th post on this blog. ain't that exciting?? actually, i find it kind of interesting...i've been on this blog for over a year, kind of off and on i guess you could say. been on here a lot in the last couple months.

but besides the fact that this is my 100th post (whoopee)...i really don't have that much to say. and no this isn't going to be a completely random post, like most of mine have been lately.

i don't have much to say, because i've been pretty out of it over the last couple days. i've been listless and not enthusiastic...which is very strange for me. i've also been extremely exhausted as of late...and i've been getting a lot of sleep.

i just don't really know what's going on with me. but i'm so out of it, that in some ways, i don't even care. i'm past bored. i'm just sitting around doing nothing. i've watched a couple movies that i don't even want to watch...but yet i sit there and watch them, for lack of anything better to do. over the last couple days i have just sat in random places in my house and just stared out the window, or at a random inanimate object. just sitting and starting, for sometimes 15 or 20 minutes at a time. just because i don't have anything better to do.

and i guess i'm not really making anything for myself to do. but i don't really feel like it. my mom keeps asking me what i want to do, and if i want to play a game, and all that. and i don't. for some strange reason, i'm perfectly content to just sit there and stare.

the funny thing is that when i did hang out with a couple friends yesterday and today, i was fine. or at least very close to fine.

i don't know what's going on. i wasn't excited for christmas, i don't really care. maybe i'm just so far past bored that nothing is affecting me.

in any matter, it feels really wierd to not really be bored or anything; it's a very strange feeling to just sit around and stare.

but i haven't been smiling of laughing overly much, and that's kinda starting to freak me out. maybe the all-nighter will do me some good. or maybe i'll just fall asleep.

From Focus on the Family...

Letting go of what isn't mine...

When teaching, I sometimes ask someone to lend me a pencil. Then I break it in half, throw it on the ground and crush it under my foot.
The audience's reaction is shock. What right do I have to break someone else's pencil? But then I explain that it's really my pencil. I planted it beforehand with the person. So I have the right to do with it as I please. Paul makes a similar point in 1 Corinthians 6.
The believers in Corinth lived as if their lives were their own. But Paul tells them they own nothing, not even themselves. God is the only one who has the right to do what He wants with your life--your body, your behavior, your money, your possessions. How we handle these demonstrates who we believe is the true owner: God or ourselves.

by Randy Alcorn

Wal-Mart Shopper

Mr. and Mrs. Smith are retired. Mrs. Smith insists that Mr. Smith go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Smith loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment! All complaints against Mr. Smith are listed below. Things Mr. Smith has done:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other peoples carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm & clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-a-way.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least....
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"



haha...well i found it pretty funny. did you know wal-mart is now open 24 hours a day!? i think it would be so much fun to go shopping at like 3 in the morning...like my parents would let me!

Flowers for ME!

keith brought me flowers yesterday!!! and i have to say...it was totally unexpected, and completely took me by surprise. but it was oh-so-sweet...soo funny too. i was pretty much speechless, i didn't know what to say. he brought me roses...they're soo pretty!! and because i am enjoying the sight and smell of them so much, i decided to share the experience with the blogger world! well, i guess you can't really smell them over the computer...but you can see pictures of them!





i took the above picture with the flash on, and it didn't turn out all that well...but the color is so intense, that i just had to post it...they aren't really quite that yellow though. they're more creamish.
there, that's a better picture of their true color...
closer up...

and closer still!

you have to admit, they are very pretty...they are sitting in my kitchen, and everytime i go by i just have to stop to smell and admire them...i've never gotten flowers before. i quite like the fuzzy feeling it gives me inside!!

4 More Days

well, there are four more days until christmas.(or, as bryn would say...five more days...as she holds up three fingers...hahaha oh great times in english today)

boy oh boy. it hasn't really hit me yet that christmas is so close. well, it has...i mean, i've been decorating and buying and playing christmas music and saying merry christmas, and my family has started to roll into town, and there are presents underneath the tree, and there is only one more day of school left...but it still hasn't really hit me. normally at this time of year i am jumping up and down, there's no more school, yay, family coming in, lots of food, christmas baking, presents, yaddah yaddah yaddah. but i'm not jumping up and down. i'm not excited. and i don't know why. it's not like i'm dreading christmas. i'm not. i am looking forward to it...i'm just...not ecstatic about it. and i wish i was. i love jumping around and singing christmas music to no end and being all merry and jolly and all that stuff. but i'm not. tomorrow's the last day of school, it's a short day, and we have a pep rally. i don't even care. it's just so-so.

maybe it's just a mind set. yeah, that's probably what it is. well i am officially trying to now get myself into the christmas spirit. i'll start by eating these candy canes that are sitting beside me...

Banquet (with pictures)

ok i would just like to say that the banquet on friday was totally amazing!!! i loved it, i had such a good time...i had a great table, too.
robyn

steph

grace & leon

kent

mylandra & curtis (her new boyfriend!!!)

keith (and me)

jarrid

and ben.

it was great. i had such a good time arguing about food and how it should sit on your plate with jarred and keith...i was sitting in between those two, and just had a great time going back and forth between the two of them. and occasionally spitting out random comments into the conversation across the table.

and of course, there were other people there too.

like janelle, in her poofy pink dress.

and ellen and josh (oh the lengths i went through to get a picture of these two together...)

rachel and tired, sleepy, pregnant lynette.

and carly and kwad.

of course, there were still more people. we had 34 students there! but alas, i was not able to get pictures of everyone...oh well! i'm taking a camera to the all-nighter...hehehe, watch out! i'm out and about with the camera...and i want good pictures!

anyways that was mostly beside the point. the banquet was great. awesome food, awesome entertainment, some fun games (jarred and i pretty much kicked butt for our team! woot woot!), some great and yummy gifts, and just generally a great night. i had an awesome time. i wish this happened more often...i love dressing up and having dinner with friends.

hey guys...let's plan our own formal banquet!!! haha just kidding...or am i?

Prayer

DEAR GOD PLEASE KEEP BETH AND MRS. WHELAN SAFE AS THEY ARE BOTH IN SURGERY TODAY...RIGHT NOW IN FACT I THINK...PLEASE GIVE THE DOCTORS WISDOM AND GUIDANCE AS THEY TAKE AWAY THE CANCER...AND PLEASE LET THEM GET IT ALL...KEEP THESE LADIES' SPIRITS UP, AND GIVE THEM STRENGTH TO GET BACK INTO LIFE. BE WITH THE FAMILIES AS THEY WATCH AND WAIT AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. THANK YOU FOR BEING OUR STRENGTH AND SUPPORT, EVEN IN HARD TIMES.

10 more day until Christmas!

ok i cannot believe it. christmas is exactly 10 days away!!! well at least one of them is...yeah i have three christmas'. because of like extended family and stuff...so my dad's side of the family is christmas eve (9 days away!) and my mom's side is usually boxing day...but this year we are having it december 31...so it will christmas/new years. an interesting way to do it. it'll be a break between all the christmas', this way we won't have 3 in a row, like we usually do.

anyways. tonight is the youth christmas banquet...and i can honestly say that i am pretty excited! i have a dress...it's not new, but it's comfy and pretty cool looking. i'm going to be doing my hair...hope that turns out. looking forward to eating some yummy food. and mexico applications come out tonight! which is awesome. but back the actual banquet. i'm taking a camera, and i'm going to take some sweeeeeet pictures...so check back here if you want to see pictures of my friends and i dressed up fancy!

oh yeah this blog is definately the place to be...you know, i think it's gotten more boring since i started posting all the time. whatever. not like i'm really posting for anyone in particular.

you know, exactly a year ago (december 15, 2005) i posted on this exact blog (no it was a different one...geez) and i talked about people having emotional needs. and i still think that everyone has emotional needs. how could you not? i also think that it's hard to figure out what those needs are...it's not the easiest thing to just sit down and say i need this many people to ask me about my day, and this many people to remember my birthday, and this many people to give me a hug, etc. because emotional needs change on a daily basis.

anyways that's really all i had to say. besides, this class is over.
oh wait, here's a picture (yeah this is sooo random...)

From My Secret Santa

today my secret santa left me a cute mini teddy bear with a christmas hat, and a jelly sucker thing that is shaped like two penguins carolling.

i am so stoked about this secret santa thing, i don't think i've ever been this into something like this before.

go me.

Another Random Post

yeah ok check that out i have got to be THE most random person ever...honestly i can say that and not feel bad for myself or anything. i actually kinda like being random. but it's pretty odd some days...and no i don't have a really clever example from today. although yesterday...i was pretty insane and crazy (steph you know what i am talking about...sorry you had to witness all that haha) but yeah i mean there are days when i am just COMPLETELY out of it...but i don't mind. and people that i spend time with...actually i think have kinda of started to...expect?...it from me. i'm the random crazy sometimes stupid blonde. and i'm ok with that. i really don't care. now, i'm not saying that i'm a complete doofus and that i walk around with my tongue hanging out and starting at people...cuz i don't. (generally)
but i do do some strange stuff...like talking to myself. randomly changing the subject, or jumping into a conversation with the most random sentences. like analyzing my day. like running around screaming and laughing and not caring who is staring at me.
and yet i am a very self conscious person...now how does this work, you may ask?? well keep wondering, because i have no idea and am not even going to try to speculate on it.

i would just like to say that this is a random post. there is not really anything interesting going on in my life right now, and i really want to post. so here i am posting...being crazy and just in general being me. this blog just hasn't really seen this side of me, because usually when i post i am talking about something really deep and meaningful or something. but haha whatever today i am not!

oh guess what. i am currently taking drivers ed. isn't that exciting??? i think it's alrite. not really that great i suppose...but still. i'm getting my learners in january!!!! woot woot i will be able to drive!!! we hope at least.

man i am so stoked just for stuff that i have coming up in the next six months...besides "something" (192 days i think haha). but there's christmas and new years, and my cousin/aunt/uncle are coming from yemen to visit us for christmas. and then there is hopefully the youth retreat, and learner's license, and hawaii, and two band trips, and possibly mexico, and possibly being accepted to go to egypt in my grade 11 year...i wonder when applications come out for that...anyways that was pretty off-topic. not that there really is a topic. but still.

erin left for phoenix today...and kellen left for florida. kayla leaves for hawaii tomorrow...man they're all leaving me here alone!!! ahh well i will live and i actually do have other friends, contrary to what my sister thinks. but i do/will miss them!!!

my basketball team is doing secret santas. i have no idea who my santa is...i know a couple people of who it's not, but don't really want to know who it is. ruins the surprise, you know. but i haven't checked to see if i got anything yet today...and i really want to know! because if there is something there...well wouldn't that just be like the most exciting thing ever!? on monday i got a chocolate santa and a card. it's pretty cool. i haven't eaten the santa yet. i'm looking forward to eating it though.

yesterday we were supposed to have a basketball game against holy cross...but they are REALLY REALLY good...so we decided just to have a controlled scrimage...but we didn't have any motivation, and we really didn't want to be there. so we pretty much didn't play and practically gave up. it was pretty boring. i think holy cross thinks we suck. which we kinda do...good news is that i scored a basket! yay me!! haha no it's not my first basket, i've scored before. and tonight i have practice and awana...it is the last one before christmas break so i think we are just playing games and watching a movie basically so yeah it'll be fun, one last time to see my girls...especially considering i wasn't there last week because of winter band concert. anyways. the bell is about to ring in this class so i suppose i will go now...isn't this the most random post ever? next year i will look back to see what i was thinking in december...and basically i will think that i am a wierdo.

My Weekend

ok so i think i should catch the world up on my weekend. friday night was youth. girls night/guys night. it was fun. we girls went to robyn's...ate food, watched elf, played truth or dare...it's all good. lots of fun. then afterwards, i went to steph's for a sleepover. we just like hung around...talked, ate some food, played with her kitting, and watched csi miami. and slept a bit, of course. then saturday morning we got up and went shopping with kayla and caitlin. that was a lot of fun, we hadn't done that just the four of us for a while. then i went home...and did a little bit of nothing, then went to keith's soccer game. i must be good luck, the only game they won was the game i watched hehe. but really, they played very well. then keith drove me home and he was working on his song with my mom...and i was listening, and randomly checking my e-mail, and vacuuming, and eating, and practicing violin. and just when they were finally done, and i thought i would get to spend some time with keith...the people that i was babysitting for came to pick me up. grr. oh well. i had a really good time babysitting. besides the fact that i made $33, i got to watch shrek, have my nails painted, and play the game of life. i had an awesome time hanging out with craig and jennifer. i got home about 11pm, talked to my parents, and went to bed.

yesterday was such a busy and crazy day. but i enjoyed it so much! so here was a run through of my day:

10:15am-1pm...church. was very good. i quite enjoyed it. you could feel the drums in a piece of paper, or erin's bible. and my stomach was making funny noises. and i sat in the very front row...which was a little bit odd. some good singing though. and communion, which was good. pastor bryan dropped his mic...that was pretty funny.

1pm-1:20pm...frantically getting ready for the rest of the day.

1:30pm-2:45pm...playing christmas carols at alice turner library with caitlin, wendy, and grace. we did a good job. but i thought my mouth was going to fall off, it hurt so bad. and it was very hot in there. but still all right.

3pm-5pm...rehearsal for skit thinger that we had to do for the spirit of christmas. keith was a dear and brought me mcdonalds to eat...considering i practically hadn't eaten all day. we ran through the scenes about four times...it was pretty repetetive, but we got it right.

5pm-6pm...randomly driving to mcdonalds to get carly food, then continuing on to my house to eat and play dutch blitz. it was pretty great. i kicked butt in one game. sweet. oh and i forgot to mention...before we left the church, we were just laying on the stage, and i was just randomly talking, and keith leaned over and squeezed my nose, and i started talking really funny so we started killing ourselves laughing (well at least erin and i did).

6pm-6:30pm...worrying about the skit. having our stomachs tied in knots. watching the seats fill up.

6:30pm-7:30pm...performing! and watching the other people perform. it was fun. i had a good time. we didn't mess up too badly. it went pretty good!

7:30pm-8:45pm...handing out treat bags to little kids. saying thank you to the people that complimented us on a job well done. complimenting other people on their performances. having robyn and lynette tell me and keith that they wished we woulda had to kiss in the play. "you were married and had kids, where was the kiss??? (194 today haha). cleaning up tables and chairs. me randomly getting picked and getting passed around...and finally falling on top of jeff on the floor (yeah that was awkward...). laughing at keith as he tried to open a sucker and broke it. then did the same thing to another one. almost killing keith with a chair. watching carly protect her cream puffs. cleaning up some more, and finally driving home with jeff and erin. well they gave me a ride home...it was funny. i was laughing so hard...and so was erin. and jeff is like you two are crazy...but he was laughing too so it's all good.


so that was my insane day last night. and then when i got home, i had a bit of homework and stuff. but not too much. got into bed at like 11:30...after getting in trouble from my mom for talking on the phone haha. but it was some good conversations.


and today so far, life has been pretty good. boring this morning, nothing really too exciting happening today except now i don't have an accounting test!! yay! it got cancelled! i have an assignment due thursday...but i've got a couple days to work on it. basketball practice tonight. which will be interesting. wondering if i will get anything from my secret santa today. wondering who my secret santa is. thinking about how incredibly stupid this post is. but that's all right. because for all of you who keep up with my blog almost every day (and i know there are a couple of you!), you can be slightly interested by hearing about my weekend.

Devastation

yesterday i found out that a very close family friend has breast cancer. i knew that she had been tested for it, as her mother has it, and she had found some suspicous lumps or something. i new there was an 85% chance she would have it, because her mother has it. but i still wasn't completely prepared for the news...i had tried to mentally prepare myself. i did an all right job...but not enough. it's still such a shock...i mean, this lady is someone that my mom grew up with. she has been like an aunt to me. i love her a lot. she has to have a major surgery before christmas...a masectomy i think they call it. something about removing the cancer, and a whole breast. i think that's what my mom said. i can't imagine her being gone. i don't even want to think about that possibility. but at the same time...i feel like i should mentally prepare myself. but i don't want to condemn her to death or anything. it's such a confusion. and a devastation.

Back to the Topic of Stealing

ok. one of my very close friends was going to steal a bag of skittles from the school servery.

right under my nose.

right in front of me.

no big deal, right?

wrong.

i was ticked.

"where did the skittles go?"

"i put them back".

"did you really?"

"yes."

"no i don't think you did, you haven't moved. and they're not back in the basket. are you trying to steal them?"

"maybe."

"no. you can't do that. i won't let you."

"big deal, i know i can get away with it."

"i don't care. it's wrong".

so i gave him the money to pay for the skittles. cost me money...but i couldn't just walk away knowing that there were skittles in his pocket that he hadn't paid for. not on my watch.

afterwards, another friend was like "you're just going to have to let it go. it's their decision. just leave it alone". and well...she's kinda right. it is their choice. but i can't just stand there and do nothing. that's like saying i don't care, or worse, saying that i approve. and i don't. i don't think that's right, and i don't want anyone doing that. especially not my close friends. because stealing now...that can just continue on and on, until it truly gets to be a big problem with the law or something.

as far as i'm concerned, he shouldn't be doing that. and i won't stand to watch that. but i can't just turn my back and pretend i don't see, when he obviously did it right in front of me. some people may think that's cool or whatever...not me. total opposite, in fact.

i trusted this guy. i knew he did this...but i never though he would do it in front of me. or lie to me about doing it, in fact. it hurts that he would lie to me...and it hurts that he would do this in the first place.

am i taking this too seriously? most people say i am...that i have too strong of morals, that i just need to let it be.

but i can't seem to let it go! and in some ways...i don't want to let it go. i won't just leave him and not talk to him anymore, he's a friend and i love him. but i can't just ignore this...

Band Concert

so today was the "first ever annual centennial collegiate winter concert". it was pretty exciting. we had a dress rehearsal in the afternoon, and it went pretty good. the only bad thing is that playing in the band...well our "uniforms" are black pants, black shoes, white long sleeved collared shirts, and red ties. wel in order to wear the ties (which are clip-ons, i might add) you have to button up your shirt to the very tightest top button. which pretty much chokes you as you try to play. so that's pretty interesting, trying to play and still be able to breath. and the evening concert went really really well...pretty much no mistakes. very good.

so yeah that was pretty much my day...taken up with choir and band trying to get everything together and "last minute instructions" and whatnot. it's been pretty insane...and throw basketball into the mix...well it's been a run around kind of day. but still good.

Pre-New Year Resolutions

ok world so here is something that i am going to try to do--i am going to try to post on here every day.

i hope no one fell dead from the shock of that statement.

but seriously. i mean i just love being able to type/write everything out in my life, whether it's a serious life or death issue, or just what i did today. i just find that i always feel so much better after posting on here.

so if you're really keen on keeping up with my life, this blog is the place to be. daily stories, daily joys, daily aches and pains, my daily sorrows.

i know people usually make like new years resolutions or whatever but heck i can make them now.

i want to be closer to god, i want to learn more about myself. and i think that in a way, the two go hand in hand together. so therefore, this is going to be (in a way) my online diary. a place where i can be myself, and let it all out. where i can be close to god.

Valid Thoughts?

ok. so i've got to be brutally honest here. carly is honestly ticking me off right now. and it's not because she's really making me mad or anything...but i'm worried about her. i don't agree with some of the things she is doing. and it worries me! i worry for her safety and for her feelings and just her in general, and for the people close to me that she drags into this mess. which isn't exactly a mess...but well do you know what i mean? i see carly doing all this stuff, and i don't agree with what she does. something bad is bound to come of it, how could it not? people have told her this, and she just kinda brushes it off. and it's like ok, i won't pester you, i'll leave you alone if that's what you want. but don't talk about it in front of me. i'm tired of hearing it. and i think that's something i need to tell her next time i'm around her. because i am honestly sick and tired of hearing some of those stories. i mean yeah it's nice to know how her life is going, and funny things that happen. but some of it is just too much.

and then there's the issue of her dragging other people into this...namely keith. now i admire him for being responsible and looking out for her at the party and driving her and other people home and stuff. i mean kudos to him, he took care of people who needed to be taken care of, and he did it responsibly and everything. but i am very close with him...and i don't want him in those situations. i really don't have a real good reason for saying that to him...i don't really have a position to enforce that or anything like that. but i do not like those situations, and i don't like people so close to me in them. it's a bit of a mess.

i don't like it. maybe that's why i was so quiet yesterday...i was imagining the things that they were talking about.

and i didn't like it. not one bit.

"Jacking"

ok. so our school servery is pretty laid back. in other words...it's very very easy to steal stuff from it, and swipe bags of chips, lollipops, etc. and a lot of people do it. but i hadn't known anyone who did it until today...

a friend of mine came up to me today and started talking about how easy it was to "jack" stuff from the servery. now you gotta understand, that this is a guy who i have known for over 5 years, and i have always trusted him and looked up to him and respected him, and usually he has a pretty good idea of what is right and what is wrong. or at least i thought so. but high school must be getting to him or something...because now suddenly he is talking about how easy it is! and i was like yeah but you would never do that...right? that's bad! and he just shows me a lollipop from his pocket and says that it's not the first time he's done it. and he told me that another really close friend of mine does it all the time as well.

well that was like dropping a boulder on top of me. honestly, it was like i just caved. not on the outside...on the outside i was just "you shouldn't do that" and all. like i let him know that i don't approve of that. but on the inside...it was like NO! not you...not you of all people. and this other friend of mine...i haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. but NO! i can't believe it! how could they do this...they know it's not right.

Silver and Gold

make new friends, but keep the old...one is silver and the other's gold

so yeah that's a little diddly that has been around for forever, and everyone knows it, and it's often sung as a round. there's your background information.

anyways...that little diddly just kinda struck me today. it's making me think about my friends. not that i'm like dissing them or ditching them or anything. i have awesome friends, and i'm smart enough to know that i shouldn't leave them...because i doubt that i will ever find better ones.

ok. back to the point. i'm just thinking about what that really means. if you take it as the gold ones are like your older friends, the ones you have for a long time, and then the silver ones are like your newer friends...then what does that mean? i suppose that means that you should keep both. that you can have more than just one close friends...and even though you've been close with the gold friend(s) for a long time, and then this silver one(s) comes along and you get along great...that doesn't mean ditch the gold ones. but it doesn't mean saying to the silver ones "oh yeah you can't be my friend because i've already got friends". i guess it's just all about finding a balance between friends...different friends, different groups of friends...even some friends that you get along with better than others.

i have this friend...and at one point in time, my mother told me that i should be careful of how much time i spent with her because my mother thought that when i came home from being with this friend i was "depressed and emotionally drained". when my mother told me this, i was kinda upset. because i love this friend, and i felt like my mother was dissing her and saying that she had issues that i didn't need to be "burdened" with. and now, while i still don't agree with what my mother said, i understand it. and i understand that sometimes after spending time with certain people, you are drained or tired or whatever. and you need a break. because some people are just like that. doesn't mean they're less important, or less of a friend. they just maybe need you more at that point, and you're giving them a lot of yourself that leaves you tired.

i don't know where i'm going with this.

i guess...i just wanted to say that i have a great group of friends, ones that i know love me and support me...and the really good ones are there for me through the thick and the thin, and they love me no matter what...don't always love what i do, but love me for who i am on the inside...obese or anorexic. they give me tough love when i need it, and tell me how to make my life better. and they cry with me when i'm sad, they laugh with me when i am happy, and the hug me when i just need a hug.

and i guess i just really want to thank them for that.

A friend is like a flower,a rose to be exact,
Or maybe like a brand new gate
that never comes unlatched.
A friend is like an owl,
both beautiful and wise.
Or perhaps a friend is like a ghost,
whose spirit never dies.
A friend is like a heart that goes
strong until the end.
Where would we be in this world
if we didn't have a friend.
--no i didn't write this i found it on the internet

Exhausted

with a capital E. i'm just so tired. partially because of basketball...now don't get me wrong. i love playing, i love my team, i love my coach, i love practice. it's all good. just...an hour and a half of basketball everyday can get pretty tiring. add on top everything else i do in my life...which isn't always that much but i like to think it is...well sometimes life gets pretty overwhelming. and i guess it doesn't help that i haven't been sleeping well. last time i posted about not being able to sleep, well, that was i just couldn't sleep. i was wide awake in the middle of the night. but now i'm tired and really want and need to sleep, but i can't. because of this stupid cough thinger that i have!! it won't let me sleep...well really i just cough a lot when i lay down. so i sit up to cough. then lay back down. then cough again. then sit back up. get the idea? it's this big cycle...and it doesn't stop until finally my body is so exhausted that it just falls asleep. but until that point...i lay down, close my eyes, cough and sit up, practically hack up a lung, and start again. and the worst thing is when there's this tickle in my throat like i need to cough, but i can't. it's the worst feeling in the world, because it feels like any minute you're going to start suffocating because you feel like you can't breathe properly. i'm pretty sure i am breathing properly though. anyways. that's my sob story for the week. i guess i'm just...not really feeling exactly sorry for myself...just feeling a bit alone again. well not really...well maybe. ok i don't even know what i feel. except that i feel like i need a hug. thank goodness youth is tomorrow night. i'm really looking forward to it...and the rest of the weekend. some fun and relaxation...and friends. which means lots of hugs!! yay for hugs...laughter and hugs. truly the best medicine.

hey guess what...it's snowing outside! that makes me slightly happier...i love the snow. and it's really coming down. mmmm lots of snow...what could be better? except for the fact that it is cold out...and really icy...underneath the snow. interesting...i hope everyone stays safe. glad i'm not driving.

and now...i'm going to go take a nap before basketball practice.

We're Playing Basketball

we're playing basketball...insert that song here. well i think there's a song like that...whatever. space jam music. that works. haha

anyways! to the main point--today i found out that i made the jr. girls basketball team!! yay me!

hey i'm entitled to a little bit of a party...i mean, it's not everybody that makes the team.

i'm really excited...like honestly. so excited to play...which is really good, because i haven't been stoked about basketball in a long time. so this is good. exercise is good. making the team is good. i'm so excited to play...my friend kayla made it. and a bunch of other friends and stuff. the team is good. we work well together.

i'm so excited!!

sure, it starts making my life crazy busy. my life's about to get pretty hectic, and it already had a lot in it. now add in about 2 hours of basketball a day...that's a lot. but i can handle it pretty easily. i always have before. and i generally love being busy, having something to rush off to. but mainly something to look forward to.

and i'm definately looking forward to this.

Yesterday Afternoon

wow. yesterday was...well a very heated argument...

maybe i should backtrack and explain this all. so grace invited erin, steph, and me over yesterday afternoon, and she said she wanted to talk to us about some stuff. so we're like ok...we knew what it was gonna like be about and stuff so we were pretty much mentally prepared. but it was still intense...like it started out pretty easy going and everything but eventually i mean it just turned into a shouting match...there was a lot of stuff flying back and forth. insults, comments, questions, accusations...and a whole bunch of other stuff. it was crazy. after a while i just kinda gave up and was like you know what i'm not even in this and honestly just kinda let grace and steph yell at each other...which was pretty bad but in some ways i think it just needed to get out. not maybe the best way to get it out...but it got out just the same.

i'm not going to go into a whole bunch of details about what we talked about yesterday...because if you were there, you know, and it's imprinted on your memory. and if you weren't there...no offense, and i'm sorry to leave you hanging, but you probably don't need (or want!) to know. all i can say is we pretty much fought. but i think (hope!) that the worst is over and that we can go back to good...

not normal. there is no normal. but back to good...

Prayer for Tomorrow

OK JESUS I KNOW THIS IS CRAZY BUT I AM SCARED FOR TOMORROW...IT'S JUST A CHAT AND EVERYTHING I KNOW...BUT THIS IS A BIG DEAL. SAY THE WRONG THING...AND LIFE COULD GO FARTHER DOWNHILL THAN IT ALREADY IS IN THIS SITUATION. PLEASE GOD GIVE ME THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY AND THE RIGHT ATTITUDE TO SAY THEM WITH. LET ME GO WITH A OPEN MIND AND A CLEAN SLATE. GIVE ME PATIENCE AND COMPASSION...LET ME HEAR WHAT MY OTHER GIRLS HAVE TO SAY, AND GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO DEAL WITH WHATEVER WILL HAPPEN. YOU ARE MY ROCK, MY STRONG TOWER. THE RIGHTEOUS RUN TO YOU AND THEY ARE SAFE. JESUS LET THIS BE A CALM TIME, A TIME OF LISTENING, GROWTH, HEALING...BRING US BACK TOGETHER LORD. I TRUST YOU...WE TRUST YOU. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH. I FULLY BELIEVE THIS...LORD WORK THROUGH ME, AND WORK THROUGH THE OTHERS. TAKE US AWAY FROM TOMORROW STRONGER AND BACK TOGETHER. JESUS, GIVE US STRENGTH AND THE RIGHT WORDS...LET US LEARN FROM EACH OTHER. KEEP US OPEN TO NEW PERSPECTIVES, AND GIVE US THE CONFIDENCE TO SPEAK UP AND SAY WHAT WE FEEL. BE IN THAT ROOM TOMORROW JESUS...

Youth Last Night

so youth last night was a lot of fun...i just had a really good time. i went early and hung out with the worship band until youth actually started...they were trying to learn harmonies, and robyn looks over at me and she's like "katelynn come sing melody with keith so it's stronger and becky can learn harmony with me" and i just stared at her. and i honestly think my mouth dropped to the floor. they all laughed at me...i guess i looked funny. so i had to sing a verse and chorus of indescribable...then i ran away haha. they didn't need me anymore so i was free!!! this is why i don't sing. i play. not sing.
anyways, then youth actually started, and we had worship which was great except i didn't have a mic but apparently they could hear my alright so it didn't matter. graham felt really bad about that but i didn't really care. less pressure without a mic. and i knew it would be fine. one funny thing though was that we started out with hallelujah (your love is amazing) and they changed the key!! at least, they played it in a different key than i thought we were going to play it in...so i got really confused but it was ok. and i don't think i messed up in any of the other songs so it's all good. then we had bible study...which my group is pretty awesome, and becky and jared (her boyfriend) joined our group which was really cool. becky even added some input on stuff...jared didn't really talk. i think the only thing he said was "no". it was kinda wierd. but good. we had a really good chat and it made me think and stuff

...yes it was deep enough for me haha

anyways then we went back into the hospitality center (and erika disappeared but really she just went home early because she was kinda sick and tired and stuff) and we had cookies and brownies and juice and stuff...and ben and i went insane singing "don't you put it in your mouth" and stuff and i was kinda hyper...but it was alright no one got mad at me. and i got to wear keith's cowboy boots which are pretty sweeet...i felt tall hehe. they are fun to spin on the heels of them. except i almost fell over...so then i gave them back.

then youth ended and carly, keith, erin, jeff, mylandra and i went to tim hortan's...and yeah it was alright. kind of boring once erin, jeff, and mylandra left...but ok. drive home was fun. and i'm still alive!! haha no keith is a good driver actually. he's also very protective of his car. i'm not allowed to drive it even when i do have my license. which won't be for a long time but anyways.

so yeah that was my night...i got into bed at about 1am and slept till 10 this morning, then got up and went to my sisters' basketball games. watched one and did the timer/score on the other, so that's another hour towrads my community service hours. man i'm almost done those, i only need like 3 more hours and then i'm done. easy easy easy.

so that's being caught up in katelynn's life! now i'm going to go shower...because my hair is absolutely disgusting.

Excited

wow i am so excited for youth tonight...we are having a worship night. and i'm in the worship band!! haha but we're actually pretty good...for a bunch of teenagers and two crazy sponsors. so i'm actually really excited to play for the group and just worship and stuff...really excited to see how God can work in and through people. it'll be good. i've been looking forward to this night for so long. i'll keep you posted on how it goes.

I LOVE KAYLA!

I LOVE KAYLA!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i pretty much only said that because i have nothing else to say and this is what she told me to say. but i actually do love her. and there's nothing going on in my oh so cool life that i can post about. so this is my oh so cool life...loving kayla. haha that sounds wrong. i'm gonna quit while i'm still ahead.

Sleepy Time She Comes

hey blogger world...how's life goin for y'all??

wait a sec who am i talking to here?? "hey blogger world"??? like what's that all about??

but hey what the heck can you really blame me?? i'm so overtired right now...

i mean, i just had a really draining day yesterday. i won't go into all the details, but i was glad to get home and just relax, then leisurely get ready for bed and collapse under my nice warm covers. but noooo sleep just wouldn't come for katelynn. i honestly tossed and turned for 20 minutes...then finally started dozing. not full sleep, just a doze.

and then, 12:45am, what happens? i wake up with a jolt, WIDE AWAKE. i was like ok what is going on here!? just let me sleep!!! but sleep just wasn't an option for me at that point. so i walked around my dark house...turned off my sister's cd player. answered like 18 e-mails. then went back upstairs and read a book. then finally turned off my light and tried the whole sleep thing again...and wow just laid there and stared out the window for like 10 minutes. then FINALLY i fell asleep. and i guess it was a pretty good sleep. it was hard to get up this morning, but once i got going at school i felt better. more awake.

helps that my school day started out with a gym class, in which we are doing basketball, and i am actually trying.

so there's my oh so eventful night for ya.

but now that i'm just sitting here in the middle of the afternoon, and my school day is wearing down in excitement...i'm just getting very very tired. i think when i go home after school, i'll have a nap.

or maybe i'll just have a nap now. nothing happens in this class anyways. that's why i sit here and blog.

good night.

Less Is More

sometimes i just feel like i'm being run over and sucked up...a vacuum.

kinda like the above picture.

you know, life is really a matter of perspective. i heard a saying this week, and it was "life is only as good as you make it" and that's really true, i got around to thinking. it's all a matter of perspective.

Jesus, I pray

Take all my mistakes

Throw them away

Destroy them for my sake

Jesus, I call out 'cause I'm sorry

Because I fall so short of your glory

To the best of my ability

I'm practicing humility

And I lay myself before

'Cause less is more

All that I have

I lay before

With my pride on the floor

Cause to you less is more

All that I haveI lay before

With my pride on the floor

Cause to you less is more

I pour out myself

All that I amYou love me so much

That you fill me again

And may these words on my heart, on my lips

Somehow mean so much more than this

Jesus, I pray

Know what I'm trying to say

All that I have

I lay before

With my pride on the floor

'Cause to you less is more

All that I have

I lay before

With my pride on the floor

Cause to you less is more

I pour out myself, before you oh Lord

I hold nothing back, 'cause to you less is more

And may these words on my heart on my lips,

Somehow mean so much more than this

Jesus, I pray

Just know what I'm tryin' to say

Jesus, I plead

Please purify me

Make my heart clean

Drench me with your mercy

Jesus, I pray

I love you, I need you

For the rest of my days

I swear I will seek you

To the best of my ability

I'm practicing humility

And I lay myself before

'Cause less is more.

"less is more" by relient k

Into the Water...

have you ever thought about...baptism??

*gasp!*

yes. i admit it. i just said the "b" word--you know, the one that starts with a b- and ends with an -aptism.

but seriously. have you ever given it a thought?

i know i have. seriously. but i can't make up my mind! i know i want to do it...at some point or the other. i just can't figure out when that time is! a very wise friend of mine once told me that in the Bible, the people were baptized as soon as they believed. and i know that we are commanded to be baptized.

so why do i want to be baptized? (eventually, that is)

well, here are some reasons that have come to my mind (whether they're valid or not):

1. we are commanded (as said above)
2. Jesus himself was baptized, and aren't we supposed to follow him and use his life as an example?
3. i want to take that step of faith, to solidify my relationship with God just that much more.
4. there is a tug in my heart that is pulling me towards it.

ya see, the thing is...during every baptismal service over the past year and a bit, i have gotten quite emotional. whether i know the person or not. but these testimonies, and sometimes even just the fact that they are brave enough to get up there and do it, or even sometimes just because i am so proud of them (even when i don't know them!)...it brings tears to my eyes. and i can feel this tug in myself. and i always thought well maybe it's just the devil trying to trick me. and i ignored it.

but it's pretty hard to ignore something that happens like 10 times at least.

so i've really been going over and over it in my head. and here are the reasons i don't want to do it:

1. i don't want to get up and talk in front of all those people!
2. they'll find out how bad i was!! (not that i really was exactly...)
3. i don't have an interesting enough testimony (i never seriously rebelled! heck, i've never even been to those wild high school parties!)
4. i'm just plain scared.

so i guess my question is...how do you really know when the time is right?

but if you want to know something wierd...i have part of my testimony written. for when i do go through with this (even if that's in 5 years or more!). i was thinking about it one night...and the perfect testimony popped into my head. unfortunately i only got part of it down on paper before it left me...but it will come again. and i will be ready for it!

but will i ever use what i have written? or will it stay hidden in the notebook forever?

dun dun dun!

how do you really know when?

This Is Me

i feel so torn and confused, it's like there's this inner conflict and battle within me. and for once when i say that, i don't mean spiritually. i just don't know what i feel, i don't know how to define my emotions and the feelings going through me head. i don't know what they are, if i have a valid reason for feeling them...and they keep changing! it's truly an emotional rollercoaster. and it bugs me! because it seems that just when i get one feeling figured out, a new one comes along. it's all so confusing.

...

i feel so miserable. and it's because of this whole keith thing!! and i'm probably making a really big deal out of this; too big a deal of this. but too bad, this is my blog, my inner self, so i can say whatever i want! because this is me.

i feel miserable when i haven't talked to keith for a while. like, it's so bad. i get miserable when i haven't talked to him for a day. it sounds like i'm obsessed...which really i'm not. i just miss him, that's all. i just miss being able to talk to him every day. i just enjoy spending time with him, or talking to him that much. and that scares me, that i like being with him that much. because that's never happened to me before.

but i feel miserable when i'm with him, too, because there are things that are just awkward; and it's not even just the fact that nothing really physical can happen, because that's not such a big deal. but it's just the fact that we're so close...but yet not. so i guess it is physical...not really a physical longing or anything like that. just...i don't know. the fact that i feel like everyone's watching me...and judging me.

hey pumpkin.

that kind of thing.
i don't really know how to explain it. but that's how it is.

...

so one thing that i've figured out lately is that when things are constantly on my mind, i'm afraid. that there is something about it that scares me. and this situation with keith is on my mind a lot. and i just keep going over it and going over it...and i figured out why it scares me. and it takes so much to admit this...
but this is my blog. my inner thoughts. i can say anything i want...because it's just for me.
...i'm afraid that keith will stop liking me. and that we won't get a chance to actually go out. and everyone's saying "if it's meant to be it will happen" and all that. and i know that. and i believe that. but it's still hard to work with sometimes.
but i trust keith.
i know that he'll tell me if he doesn't like me anymore. i just have to keep trusting the fact that he'll be honest with me. and i need to give this up to GOD...because as much as i want this to happen (in like 226 days or something like that)...it scares me so bad. and i don't need that hanging over my head for the next 7 months.

...

so more about my food issue...
it's really hard because the media and stuff tells you that you hafta be a certain size, you have to look a certain way. and i try not to listen to that. and i think i do a pretty good job of it. but it's harder to ignore the fact that everyday, everywhere, almost everyone around me is skinny or thin or worried about their weight and how many calories this is and how many grams of fat and whatnot.

it's retarded!!

and even the people around me...like they say they don't care how fat/skinny i am. and i know they love me for who i am on the inside. but my physical appearance does have some affect on the people around me, whether they realize it or not. and i hate it when people talk about calories around me...well not the general topic, i'm alrite with that now. but when they turn to me and go "why are you eating that it's gonna make you fat" and it's like i know just let me eat and leave me alone!!! or when they say "you look like you've gained weight"....it hurts so much.

and it's partially my fault, cuz i haven't let them in, they don't know how extensive this problem is for me. but i don't even know how bad this is a problem for me, i don't know how much of a hold this thing has on me...i really don't know. and that scares me. one more thing to give up to GOD...

i thought i was over this.
how come i can't let it go?

...

so there you have it. my spilling of my life. the things that scare me right now. but hey...it was just for me. i can say whatever i want here. my inner thoughts.
what can i say?

this is me.

Lonliness

i absolutely hate the feeling that i am feeling right now. i've felt it before, and can't stand it. but i can't remember how to get rid of it!! last time i think i just waited it out...just sat quietly and waited for it to leave me alone. but i don't want to do that this time. i want it to leave me alone--NOW!

i guess i should explain what this feeling is. well, it's the feeling of lonliness. but not lonliness because no one is around me, because i'm not fighting with anyone. it's the feeling when you are surrounded by people, but yet feel all alone. not connecting on the same level that i normally am.

my relationships with people are fine. well, at least they seem fine, but maybe i need to examine them closer because if i am feeling alone there is something wrong, somehwere in life. i just don't know where in my life it is.

so i guess i'm just wandering, looking into things but not taking the time to really explore the areas of my life, and in not taking that time, i am letting important things (and relationships) rot away on me.

so in an answer to my own question, i guess i just need to take the time to examine my life.

and once i've done THAT, i'll be back with more questions. because i know there will be things in every aspect of my life that i need to work out.

so here goes nothing.

walking around in the dark...i've never been good at that.

will someone please loan me a flashlight?

Just Food

i hate myself sometimes.

first, i'm doing so good with food issues, that i'm eating healthy foods and generally healthy portions.

then, i go home and pig out on anything and everything.

so much for being a healthy size/weight by eating right.

and then i get so mad at myself that i don't eat for a while!! but then food looks so good, that i binge again!

it's like i can't control the way i eat!

it's either way too much, or not enough.

doesn't help that i don't like to eat in front of people. i'm still way too cautious about what people might think about me.

i don't want people to judge me.

even though it's just food.

Darn Age

so i officially think that my mother is out to get me and make my life miserable!!

well ok not really maybe i guess but still sometimes it just seems like she's right and i'm wrong, and we can't even meet a happy middle. and that frustrates me!! because if i can't be fully right, i want to be partially right!
like this whole dating thing. ok. i went behind their back. that was wrong. i get that. i understand that, what they told me about it, blah blah blah. so i did what they wanted. and from then until now, i've actually been pretty good! like i haven't like gone against them majorly or anything.

except maybe not getting off the phone quite when they want.

but anyways, it just frustrates me. because i'm stuck in this spot and i don't know what to do with it. because like ok keith and i are like really close and all...and how can i help but want to go out with him? and he feels the same and all. so sometimes it's hard or awkward because it's like what do you do because as much as you talk and grow closer as friends, you can't be anymore. and yeah well maybe it's not time for that but how do i know because all i can say is that i can't even really give it an option or thought, because i won't be allowed to take it further if it does work out!

so i guess all i can say is that it makes me mad that i have to be the "magic age" aka 16 before i can date...which, to me, i think it should be more a maturity thing than an age thing. i mean, i would be perfectly happy even if we could come to a compromise or something. say that i have to wait until i'm 15 and 1/2, i don't know. but just to say no you can't date until you're 16...and to me it feels like she's not even considering what i think or feel about the situation. because all she keeps saying to me whenever i ask her about it or question that rule is "no you need to give it time and time will help" and she just keeps talking about time. and i don't get it!

i don't know. i just don't even know what to think. and i know i'm probably not being very "mature" about "whining and complaining" about this all the time...but it's pretty hard not to wonder about stuff when it's not making sense in my head! even though i may not agree with it, they still need to explain it to me so that i understand their reasoning and can at least say "this is what my parents say and why", not "my parents said this and it doesn't make any sense to me" so yeah.

grace says just to pray about it...and that makes sense, and i am doing that. but i'm still confused, and i still don't know what to do.

and it's a long eight months until i turn 16...

and maybe one reason why i'm all like "i wanna go out now" is because i don't wanna put pressure on either of us to feel like we HAVE to go out when i'm 16...i mean, i like him, he likes me. blah blah blah. but that's now. and you just never know...i guess i just want that feeling of security, ya know? i mean i know everyone's just gonna say "if it's meant to be it will happen, if he's the one then he'll wait" and all that stuff. but that's not very reassuring!! a lot can happen in eight months...

Forward

...what a shocker! a forward got to me?!?!

i got this as a forward the other day...and normally i find forwards pretty stupid, and i just read and hit delete! but this one hit me today...and it's making me think.

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
It isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
And brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.You must grow on your own!
But I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said..Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

Butterfly Dancers

WARNING: yes i talk about my friends in this post, and it may seem negative. but i promise you in every way, that it is not!! i love them all to death, and even as of late have been realizing how much i am blessed to have them by my side. don't feel upset if you are mentioned in a way that may seem like i am annoyed with you! i'm not. so what is the purpose of this post then? to get things out. people tell me stuff and i keep it in total confidence, often even from this blog. but it does make me wonder, and question things. so i do, on here, so you can know me better, and so that people can help me out. ok? alrighty then. let's get on to the real stuff.

wow have you ever had those times when you are just so in tune, and everybody else...well...isn't? and this isn't like last year, when i always felt off kilter with everyone, and like everyone was mad at me. no, i'm totally on the same page as my friends, we're all getting along swell.

i guess the real issue is god, in a sense. i've had some close friends questioning him lately...sometimes his existence, sometimes him, sometimes they are just not feeling very close to him. and in that sense i am way off track with them. because lately i have felt in tune with god...when you get that feeling, and you know, "this is right". you're in a groove...not a rut, a groove. you've been wondering with god, you gave it a shot, and now you're starting the dance. and as you get closer and closer, the dance gets faster, or more complicated, or more intricate. more intimate. you keep on learning.

but how do you keep dancing the dance when the people closest to you aren't dancing?

well maybe they're like a butterfly. they've been through the caterpillar stage...the initial chrisianity, the rush of faith, the feeling of god. gotta love that. but then it slows down...like a caterpillar getting ready to go into a cocoon. they don't know what they'll come out like, but they still trust god enough to lead them into this. but while they're all tightly wound up (in the human world, i guess that would be in their lives and other stuff) then they start wondering--how will i come out? can i trust god on this one? is he real? is he there? does he care? i'm just a itty bitty caterpillar (human) stuffed inside their own little cocoon (world)...how do i know he is there, and he is real?

well...that's a toughy. because we can't see god. you can't. sure, you can see the things god made--the stars, the trees, the moon, this beautiful earth, amazing humans. but you can see the other things too--the bombs, the wars, the cruelty. but wait--isn't that humans that are creating that horrible stuff, humans that are doing that?
but we are all human...and you wonder, why did god put us here; was it to just mess around and see what happens? see what kind of reaction we can get?

it's all faith.

so you wonder...and you lean on other people...and you question...and, hopefully, you will pray, and read your bible. and in the end, you come out of the cocoon, a beautiful butterfly, stronger than the caterpillar you once were, because of your trials. and then you start your own dance. and you continue on dancing, until you hit another mountain. and then (sadly) you go back to the caterpillar...and begin the cycle again.

so how can i, a current dancer, help my caterpillar friends? by doing what i tell them to do. pray and read my bible, lean on others when i need it. it's just what mike's been talking about--the body of christ.

just keep on dancing, and pull others into the dance. it's a web of dancers. and we're all connected.

a beautiful web...

...of butterfly dancers.





does this post make any sense at all? i don't know. i wrote it late last night...and reading it over, it makes sense to me. but that's me, and i'm insane. so hopefully it makes some amount of sense.
but then again, this post was for me to get things out. and it makes sense to me. so that's all that matters!

Nightmares

ok...the reason why i'm up at 6am...i officially hate nightmares! they scare me and make it so i can't sleep...and i've been having them so often lately...like tonight. it was two of them, together. it started at youth...it was all good, we were watching movies in the gym. there were a bunch of couches set up. and then mike got a phone call...coltan had died, from an overdose of mixed drugs. i cried, and so did other people...then it morphed into like "the next day"...now i was at my cabin (but it was way different...) and i was still mourning coltan. but some stuff happened, and more stuff, and then it was evening. and i was sitting outside on a couch, watching a lightening storm with my family...and trees were falling down, and things were being shot at...basically we were under attack. but not us exactly. it was like a sniper. but then he started shooting at us...and then i saw this little, crouched down guy with a shotgun come out of the shadows. but i didn't say anything. and i saw his shawdow walk around the couch to the end where my head was, and put the shotgun to my head...
and that's when i woke up. i didn't jump awake...i forced myself to wake up. because it's so much worse when you don't open your eyes...

JESUS, PLEASE MAKE THESE NIGHTMARES LEAVE ME ALONE...YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I NEED THIS TIME TO REST AND EASE MY MIND. GOD, YOU KNOW MY FEARS AND FRUSTRATIONS, AND YOU KNOW HOW THESE HORRIBLE THOUGHTS AND DREAMS TERRIFY ME. PLEASE KEEP MY MIND AT PEACE WHILE I SLEEP. REST THESE UNEASY THOUGHTS THAT I MUST BE SUBCONSCIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT.
PLEASE JESUS...MAKE THEM GO AWAY...

Rain

rain rain, go away, come again another day...

ok guys. it has been gloomy and raining all week.

now don't get me wrong...i love the rain. i really do. but after a whole week of this gray, gloomy, off-and-on mist...you can't really help but get sick of it.

but hey! there are things to look forward to...such as the week is almost over. the dance is tonight. youth is tomorrow. good things are around the corner!

anyways, i would just like to comment on the fact that i am getting a hold over my life. just relaxing and remembering to breathe is really helping me out. i just have to remind myself that i am not alone...GOD is always with me, and i have some amazing friends who have stood by my side, even when all i can do is complain about all the work.

"i can do all things in Christ who strengthens me" --Phillipians chapter 4

this has really been my verse this week...just remember that he is always there with me, to talk to and to listen and just everything...it's been good.

my comfort is my BIBLE...i love just sitting down and reading it, with highlighter and pen in hand! my goal over the next while (a long while, i'm thinking) is to go through and read books, one at a time...and to highlight the verses that i like. but i wanna go through and look at everything i have noted or highlighted, and write down in detail, what i think of the verse, how it has made me feel, etc. i'm really excited about that little project.

and the dance. i'm excited about that too.

The Frustrations of School

AHHHHH!!!! SCHOOL IS DRIVING ME INSNAE!!! I AM WAY OVERWORKED!!!

ok katelynn. deep breaths. relax.

breathe in...
...breathe out.
breathe in...
...breathe out.

ok. i am just going a wee bit crazy over school. i mean, i love school and everything, i really do. i'm just feeling very smothered and overworked!! i am getting way more homework than i ever did last year...and there are so many other things that i am involved in that are taking up my evenings and time...
it's just too much!!! i can't handle it all!!! all the homework, and spending time with friends and family, and studying, and music, and sports, and babysitting, and all the other stuff i am involved in!! and GOD!! where does he fit into all this???

KATELYNN!! JUST GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, HERE, GIRL! YOU'VE ALWAYS PRIDIED YOURSELF ON GETTING YOUR STUFF DONE, BEING ABLE TO BE BUSY AND FIT EVERYTHING IN. MAKING TIME FOR EVERYTHING. YOU CAN DO THIS. JUST RELAX...

breathe in...
...breathe out.
breathe in...
...breathe out.

ok. so what i need to do is organize myself. use my day planner, even more than i have already been using it. schedule my time. make time for things. make sure i am eating and sleeping and look good, but make time for everything else that i need to do. pay attention in class, and use the class time to it's fullest. work hard in sports. be on time.
all this stuff...i can do this.
i think i can, i think i can, i know i can, i know i can...yes. i can do this. i can. and i will.

just relax...

breathe in...
...breathe out.
breathe in...
...breathe out.

Weight Issues

i am so sick and tired of weight and pounds!! i mean, why does everyone have to be skinny?? all the celebrities are like "oh yeah you have to be thin, you have to be this and that to be someone". well you don't! you can be heavier than 100 pounds! *gasp*! did i just say that it's possible to be more than 100 pounds??? you bet i did! why do you have to be thin to be someone, to look good, to be attractive, to feel important, whatever? it should be more about health, not to be the skinniest person alive! and i'm not saying that i want the world to be obese, because 1) that's slightly disgusting and 2) it's unhealthy! it should be more important to be healthy than to worry about how much you weigh. so you are a little "overweight". who cares, because you are eating healthy, you're active, and you're comfortable in your own skin! and that's a big part of it! being comfortable with you are. as the olay commercial goes, "love the skin you're in". and i agree with that. you should love your body. sure, there might be parts of it that youd don't like, but hey! you balance out, right? so you really don't like your nose, but you love your feet! you just gotta learn to love yourself.
i'm sick and tired of hearing people complain that they are fat.

on the other hand, i know that i have been like that, and i know i have said that i was fat. as much as i hate to admit it, i know that i have said that. but you know what? i'm different now. i'm getting over it. slowly but surely. making progress everyday. not that i was ever a hospitalized anorexic or anything. but i had my days when i was like "I'M FAT!!!" and then i wouldn't eat as much as i should. but those days are over!!! (or in the progress of being over).

on yet the OTHER hand (what!?!?!?! you're an alien and have THREE hands???) i find it really wierd when people tell you you're too skinny. like it makes sense when someone actually is like dangerously skinny. but sometimes people are telling me that i'm too skinny, and i'm around people the same size as me, and no one ever says that to them...it just makes me wonder. and it's not like i never eat in front of people, i do. i don't like to, but i do. it's stupid!!! (stupid stupid, in fact. ha.) i don't know. sometimes it just really bugs me. it's like "thanks for caring guys, and i love you too, but I'M PERFECTLY FINE!! LOOK AT ALL THE OTHER GIRLS AROUND YOU THAT YOU ARE ALSO SPENDING TIME WITH! THEY ARE THE SAME SIZE! GET ON THEIR CASE FOR ONCE!" and i mean, i know it's a--compliment??--to be called skinny or whatever...and i don't really mind when people come up and go "you're so thin!" because it makes me feel...nice? special? something like that. probably not a good thing, but i'll deal with that later. anyways, it's after that, when they go "i wish i could be like that!!" when they are only like a pound heavier than i am. or they go "you're so thin--too thin. you need to gain weight!!!" and then they shove food down your throat. which sometimes just makes me feel like i have some sort of problem. which i really don't think i do.


so basically, thanks to everyone for caring and for looking out for me and for having my back. and continue to do so, because i see things differently than you do, and i need people to watch out for me so i don't trip and fall, and can't get up by myself.

but at the same time...it's hard. food and weight are touchy subjects for me that i don't really like to talk about...because no one really seems to get it. but that's ok. i get it, for myself.

so let me be myself, let me be wierd. let me talk to myself and stare off into space and zone out. i'm fine. really. just sometimes, even when i'm in a group of people, i just need to be alone.

Long Weekend Blahs

ok. it's monday of the long weekend. i should be all peppy and excited about seeing my friends, laughing over memories of a great weekend, worried about school pictures and volleyball tryouts, and rested up from sleeping in for three days.

but i'm not.

sure, i'm excited to see my friends. but disappointed that i didn't get to spend time with them on the weekend. not laughing over great memories, because i didn't make any super important ones. sure, i had a great time hanging with my family, walking the beach with a super close cousin. i'm not even worried about school pictures or volleyball...now i know something's wrong. and i just haven't been sleeping well.

ok. so looking back on what i just wrote, maybe the weekend wasn't a complete waste of time. but i can't help looking back on it without sadness. you see, while we were at my cabin, my great aunt called, to tell us that my grandfather's only brother had passed away. it was really sad and hard, because my grandpa and grandma were really close to him. and they had just been out to see him a few days ago. they were overcome with memories and sadness...and it was so very hard to see them that way. i had never seen them like that before.

so the funeral is tomorrow. and my parents are going. my sister's and i are staying here, relying on friends to drive us around to the places we need to get to.

but it's kinda hard. the phone call came...and i answered the phone. i didn't know who it was, i didn't recognize my great-aunt's voice (because i don't know her very well). she asked for my grandpa or grandma...and i gave the phone to my grandma and she went to another room to talk. and we had just been joking around a few minutes ago...and after i handed off the phone, i looked at my grandpa. and he goes "it's lucille. i could here her voice". and i was thinking "no, it can't be. not now, not yet". but somehow, he knew. he was mentally preparing himself...because a few minutes later, my grandma comes back and says "ed passed away about an hour ago".

it was hard just to see everyone's faces crumple. and i felt bad, because i couldn't really relate. i mean, i felt really sorry, and almost started crying...but i don't really know uncle ed. i don't have a visual picture of him. and i felt bad for that.

i guess i'm just overall feeling kinda down in the dumps right now. i feel the grief and pain of my family, and i don't know what to do with it. this is the closest that death has ever hit me...and it really makes me wonder what would happen if something happened to someone closer to me...

SCHOOL: DAY 1

well hello world! now i will actually have something interesting to post about! because--yes, that's right, you heard it here first (ok not really but it sounds cool)--SCHOOL OFFICIALLY STARTED TODAY!! ok well only for high schoolers...my sisters in elementary today went for an hour for "registration" but then got to come home. and they were making fun of me because i had to go for a full day. but you know what? i would way rather go for a full day than only an hour. when you go for an hour you're left wondering...at least here they just get the first day over and done with. it makes life so much easier. but then i guess you already know who will be in your classes and such, because you get your schedules in june...ahh but that's high school for ya.

so how was starting grade 10 in a brand new school? a school that is not only new for me, but for everyone else? a school that only opened it's doors today? well, it was:
hectic and chaotic.
confusing.
wierd.
wonderful.
different.

all in all, just utterly new and strange. now don't get me wrong, i like the school. i really do. it's nice and everything, and i like the teachers. it's just so new. they aren't even done it yet. and it's so different from evan hardy. it's hard to learn a brand new layout.

but i think that all in all it will be good. even though some of my teachers gave me homework on the very first day. i've only been there one day, and so far i like all my teachers and classes. it's not too bad. and it can only get better, right? and tomorrow i will be making my locker a little bit more homey, so that i will feel comfortable using it, and not just like i'm using some random locker. magnets, pictures, it's all goin' in.

The "Perfect" Daughter???

sometimes i just get so frustrated with my mother!! i know it's normal and whatnot...but sometimes i just feel like we are not related...at all. there are times when we just go at it, and just argue. it's like we just can't agree on what i should or shouldn't be able to do. there are times when she just tries to plan my social life...and i don't need that! i can do that myself. it's scary, because we probably fight so much because we are so much alike. if we are alike. maybe we are just total opposites. but they say that you fight with the people you are most like...and maybe that's true. but she knows how to make me so mad, and i know exactly how to push her buttons...which usually ends with me getting grounded or something like that.
and yesterday, i was putting my bags into the vehicle after coming home from the retreat, and this thought popped into my head: nicole is her favorite, and i'm just gonna have to live with that. and really, it makes sense. she does favour nicole. but i think i've gotten over that. in a way. sure, it's not fair, and i hate the fact that she plays favorites. but i've come to accept it...not agree with it, but live with it. it's hard. i feel like i'm always saying sorry that i can't be who she wants me to be. because that's just not who i am. life is difficult! but not all bad i s'pose...i guess i just have to find a way to stay away from pushing her buttons, and try not to get myself in trouble...it can't be that hard. here i go again, on the "perfect daugheter" kick...
but can i really be that girl?