random writings...

june 20, 2006...

sometimes i just feel like becoming totally hard towards them [my parents]...but i don't want to lose the closeness i have with my friends that i know i will lose if i become hard. i am an emotional person, and i like it that way. maybe i can just learn to block out my parents and not the rest of the world. to just bottle it all up inside...but to be free enough to escape the prison that i will surely be putting myself in as long as i don't lock the door i can get out, right? more fire to play with...one of these times i am going to get burned. look out for the day!

july 4, 2006...

i almost told her today. almost. ...in some ways i wish that i could tell her and daddy. i wish i didn't have to go behind their backs. in some ways, i wish that i had their permission and support. but at the same time, i am glad with how it is going. i have no regrets as to how i answered that question. the past 2 1/2 weeks have been so much fun--something of a kind of joy that i haven't had for so long. ...this [relationship] is what makes me happy, this is what makes me smile. ...but the fact that we are friends, and such close friends at that. i trust him--i trust him a lot. and he makes me laugh and smile; i like that. it is so rare that i find a guy who will make me laugh, who will hold me when i cry, will listen to me scream when i am frustrated. i don't know where i stop telling him how i am feeling and he starts [figuring it out for himself]. ...but we are getting to know each other more and more, growing closer all the time. and as we learn about the other person, as we dig deeper to know them, we open up to each other. and as we bare our souls a little more, as we show our hearts a little clearer, we not only learn [about] each other, we learn to know ourselves. and it makes us a little better, a little stronger. and maybe, just maybe, with enough courage, love, and support, we will learn to like--dare i say love?--ourselves.

july 6, 2006...

i need to tell my parents. i know that. but i am scared to do it. i'm not really scared of being punished, exactly. i know i deserve it. but i am scared that they will forbid me from seeing keith, or worse, try to break us up. and i really don't want that, because i really do like him. and i would feel so bad if i had to say "i'm not allowed to see you until i'm 16" because i don't want to force him to wait for me. that would be so hard. bottom line--i don't want to hurt him.
that is, perhaps, my greates fear. hurting people. people say to me, "well if you wuldn't have said yes in the first place, this mess wouldn't have started and you wouldn't hurt him". but i still would have hurt him. because i liked him, and he knew it. i couldn't just say no. i liked him. i still do.
i feel so bad and guilty and horrible, because i feel like i forced grace into this mess. and i supposed, that in a way, i did. i pushed for it. i wanted to see them together. and i felt so...naughty, to have grace tell her parents that one of the reasons she did this was because i was. i feel like her parents will look at me and say "there's katelynn, that horrible girl who has a bad influence on our gracie". and i don't want that. i like her parents. i want them to like me. but now i feel like such a bad person...and i wouldn't be surprised if grace pretty much hates my guts. i mean, yeah, she knows that it was [mostly] her fault...but friends do have a lot of influence. i should know.
i just feel like a horrible person, lying to my parents and getting grace into this mess. and i'm scared for leon. the poor guy likes grace so much.

[later] july 6, 2006...

well, i told her. ar eyou happy now, world? i told her. i told her about grace and leon, and i told her about keith and i. and it wasn't actually that bad, or that hard. she the "i'm dissapointed but still love you" speech. but when she said that she wondered what the owen's thought of her, for raising a daughter who would have a bad influence on their daughter...just the way she said it was like saying "sure, you shamed yourself, katelynn; but worse, you have shamed this family, and most importantly, me." i can handle their disappointment, because i've "disapointed" them so much. but to say that i shamed her, that i jeopardized her relationship with mrs. owen because of a mistake...that hurt. to hear that she felt ashamed of me...that's worse. that just makes me feel like i'm worthless.