Wednesday, July 12, 2006

crazy thought train

i am really worried about some stuff right now. mainly this whole parent/boyfriend issue. my parents still haven't really talked to me about it...they haven't given me a punishment or anything really. my mom has talked to me a little bit about it, but my dad hasn't even mentioned it to me. i know that he knows, because my mother told him. but he hasn't brought it up or anything, which is really wierd. i thought he would want to talk to me about it. and it doesn't help that my mom wants me to break up with keith. yeah, she actually told me that. but i haven't told keith that yet. i told him that my parents know, and that they weren't too happy. but i didn't tell him that she wanted me to break up with him. i wanted to tell him that in person. but it's kinda looking like she won't let me see him, even to talk about this. so i guess i will have to tell him over the phone...which i really don't want to do. and it's not like i am going to break up with him. i just think he needs to know. it's not fair of me to keep that information from him. but i would rather do that in person. but mother won't let me see him. i guess i will have to work on her for that. i just really need to talk to him about it. and over the phone is so...well not really impersonal, because at least you can hear their voice and everything. but it's so awkward on the phone. it would just be better in person. that's why i haven't told him sooner. i wanted to tell him in person. and it's not like i really want to tell him...i mean who wants to say "my mother wants me to break up with you?" not me. and i don't even want to break up with him! but here was my conversation with my mother (or something very close to it):

scene: mother invades daughter in walk-in closet late at night

mother: i want you to be able to be a 15-year-old girl. you shouldn't have to worry about boys and relationships. it may seem that boys are the way to go, but not yet. there's time for that. i don't mind if you hang out with boys, or even if you have crushes on them. that's perfectly normal. i would be worried if you didn't. but you don't need to be kissing and holding hands yet. you are only 15. enjoy being a 15-year-old girl with no pressures of dating.

daughter(aka me): (thinking) well what if enjoying being a 15-year-old girl is doing what i am doing? i am having fun and enjoying who i am and who i am with. right mom. mmhmm. i understand what you are saying.

mother: you understand, but are you really listening? or are you just tuning me out?

daughter: no mom, i am actually hearing you. i understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. that doesn't mean that i agree with what you are saying, but i do hear you.

mother: i guess that's all i can ask for.

...later...

daughter: hey before when we were talking, did you just tell me to break up with him?

mother: yes, i did.

...later...

daughter: hey mom i don't mean to be disrespectful or anything here, but i want you to know that i can't just decide to break up with him because you said so. it's going to take a lot of thinking (and a major change in the situation and how i feel; i am thinking) for me to come to that decision. i want you to know that it's not something that is going to happen right away.

mother: all right. i just hope that you abide by the rules your father and i have set for you and wait until you're 16.

daughter: are you going to forbid me to see him?

mother: good night...

the end!

so there you have it. the pretty close to actual version of the conversation between my mother and me. exciting as always, hmm?? but i am thinking...it would be so hard to do. like i cannot just do that. i can't be like "hey my mom wants me to break up with you so i am going to because i am the perfect daughter...my mother has not exactly forbid me (she hasn't talked to me about it exactly so i am macho confuzzled) but has said that she disapproves, and because i want her approval in everything i do i am ending this now...even though i totally don't want to and still like you a lot". yeah. that's exactly what i am going to say. not! i can't do it. even if they forced me...i don't think i could go through with it. i can't do it! there you have it--my confession to the world (ok not really because everyone already knows this) but i can't do it! i don't want to end this! sure, i want to listen to my parents. i am a good kid, what can i say? it's the way i have been brought up. but now that my parents know, i have a lot less guilt. i still kinda feel guilty about the past, but i am trying to put it behind me...or at least lock it up where i don't think about it constantly. i am glad that my parents know. i am glad that it's out in the open. but this has not made me and my parents closer. not at all. if anything, it has made things awkward between my mother and me. not that we were close before, or anything. sometimes she tries...but it's always awkward. i can tell. even when she was talking to me (converstaion above) i could tell that she felt awkward. maybe it's the whole "oldest daughter is growing up" type thing. i don't know. but i do know that we are not close. sometimes i want to be close with her. to be able to go out with my friends and then come home and tell her funny stories that happened that night, and to have her get it. maybe that's the thing--she doesn't seem to get it. what i find funny, she doesn't find funny. it's like we don't have a common interest, or a bond. and i guess that is my fault. i mean, i am her daughter. i know that i share some traits or hobbies or something with her. i know that for a fact. i guess i just never pursued them because i wasn't brought up as mommy's little girl. i was always a daddy's girl. and that's the way i still am. i usually perfer my dad to my mother. and it sounds harsh, i know. it's not like i love one more that the other. i don't know, i guess it just depends on moods. my mother and i don't always get along. but really, who does get along with their mother? and it's not like we fight all the time...half the time we pretty much ignore each other anyways. we're not ice cold towards each other, but it's not like we're best friends. just civil. i don't know, it's the way it's always been. and in some ways i want it to be different...but that would be awkward. and i always say it's awkward for her...maybe it's awkward or me. but i try to keep communication lines open...ahh!!! i don't know! i am tired of talking about this. i am tired of talking about my mother. but i guess the one other reason that i don't want to be close with her right now is because then i will have to tell her about some stuff from the past. stuff that i really don't want to bring up. stuff that only a few of my friends know about...and most don't even probably know that whole story. i don't even know the whole story. i don't want to dig that deep into my box where i keep all those thoughts and memories. i think i would die. it's just too hard.
so those things will stay hidden deep down...way down where no one will venture down to. because no one really wants to hear that stuff.
and really, it's not like it's really that bad. no secret drugs, no sleeping around with guys or anything. but just the way that my image is, the good girl thing...i don't know. i told a couple people a little bit, and everyone is like "wow! i would never expect that from you!" and then they get on my case and just smother me in what they think is some TLC...and sometimes it is. but too much is too much, you know? it's the times when they force me to eat. when they make sure someone is feeding me. yeah, it's touching, and nice to know that i am cared about. but sometimes i feel like it is fake. i know i shouldn't really say that about my friends, because i have some of the best friends in the world and don't know what i would do without them. and some of them i totally trust and have no second thoughs about. although sometimes i do wonder about a few of them...but i still love them. always will. i am just that kind of person.

i have been up since 5:30am. i couldn't sleep. all these thoughts just keep running through my head. so then i read my book "pitch black" by melody carlson...i finished it. it was really good. but it is causing more thoughts to run through my head...don't worry. i'm not gonna do myself in or anything like that. but i am really tired, and feel kinda sick, and all these crazy thoughts keep running through my head, over and over and over, until it feels silly to still be thinking about the same things, and stupid to talk about this to anyone. even though there are people out there close to me who know exactly how i feel (sometimes before i even say it!), i still feel kind of dumb talking about it. i was reading an earlier post (like from a few months ago) and it said something like "how come other girls can go on and on about their crushes and i can't because everyone just seems to tune me out?" and i'm sorta changing that...because sometimes i feel like other people can talk and talk about the same issues i am going through, but when i try to talk about them i just feel ignored. but usually i get something out of the other person who is going through the same thing so i just pay extra attention to how they are doing and the advice they are getting! sounds kinda mean i guess...but not really. i know i have friends and people i can go to with everything, but sometimes it is just easier to keep to myself...to keep everything bottled up inside.

4 comments:

grace said...

heyy buddy.. man u are right this is a crazzzzzzy thought train. i just wanted tolet u know that im glad that u are going out with keith.. but i don't mean this as i think u should be going out with keith. i was just thinking that if u had chosen someone else then yeahh.. i dunno keith is a really nice guy and he treats u with respect and thats all that matters to me katie. so im still not sure if this is the right thing to be doing but ithink if u had to go out with anyone keith would definatly be the guy.

Bobby and Joessyy said...

heyyy babe how are you doingg?! wow this is sum crazy stuff that is goingg on.. im sorrry i havent beeen around to talk to you about everything... ive beeen gone too much lately.. butt im always here if you neeeda talk just send me an email and ill reply as sooon as i can.. remember:
i lover you to death and beyondd!! :)
Kaylaa <3

katelynn said...

heyy katie... we miss you. i hope that you have had time to thik about all this stuff. but also we think that u should break up with him but we won't tell u this anymore cause i know it gets u down.. we love u hunn but please make the right choice but listen to God... he'll tell watto do. luv u always

grace said...

k buddy, update ur spot sumtime soon, and don't pay attention to my old comment, pay attention to the one at the bottom, i mean thats definatly NOT me and steph talking.. its anonymous.. i think..lol
luv u lots and can't wait to see u tomorrow, srry i couldn't talk that long or hang out that much today, and man u were the one in the "crisis".. anyways, this is dumb.. ttyl
dUcKiE