Someday

i can't believe i did it--well, 2 things actually. one, i went totally and completely against my parents and behind their backs and went out with a guy...yes i had a boyfriend.
notice the word had.
i dumped him. and it hurt to do that, because he was one of the sweetest guys i have ever known. but it needed to happen. there were some issues that just weren't being solved...like, he kissed another girl on the cheek a couple times. now, it didn't really bother me all that much (although i did kinda make a fuss) but i think it just really got to me about how good i had been about not flirting with guys and stuff and then he just went and did that. and to a good friend of mine too. and it really caused some problems. it caused her to be dumped by her boyfriend. and it really caused me to think about why i was going out with this guy, and what i wanted from this. it made me think about my reasons and intentions and future.
but that's not really the reason that i dumped him. because i still did trust him...sure, not as much as i had before, but i still did. in fact, i still do now. i mean, we are still friends and all. (thank goodness, because we were pretty tight before, so hopefully we can just be good friends and all).
so the real reason i dumped him...i really felt that God was telling me that i didn't need to be in a relationship right now. that it just wasn't right to be going behind my parent's backs, and that i should obey their rules and wait to date until i'm sixteen. and (now) i am totally abiding by that rule. because after being in a relationship, short as it was (a day shy of three weeks), i see how hard it is. i see the committment that it takes. i see everything that you have to go through. and right now, im just not ready. i don't know exactly who i am, and it's not fair of me to be with someone when i don't know who i am. that's just cruel. and it adds pressure...which i hate so much.
that was another reason--pressure. there was so much pressure on us to be the perfect couple. everyone said that we looked cute together...and maybe we did. but we thought that we could just float through this, that it would be a piece of cake. well, let me tell you, relationships are no piece of cake! they take work and dedication. and someday, i will be ready for that. someday...but not today. God is telling me that it's not right for me to date yet.
and, as harsh as this may seem, i know that in the end, i am going to want a christian guy, who believes in the same things i do. because in the end, i will want to be with someone forever...and that means after we die, too.
so i dumped him.
i dumped a guy who was so sweet and nice and respectful towards me...and i'm so sorry that i hurt him.
but it had to be done. it just had to happen.
...but it still hurts...

PRAYER OF HEALING

OH GOD PLEASE LET GRANDPA'S CHEST PAINS MEAN NOTHING. PLEASE GIVE THE DOCTORS WISDOM IN KNOWING WHAT TO DO. GIVE THE WHOLE FAMILY STRENGTH TO DEAL WITH THIS. GIVE GRANDMA AND GRANDPA PEACE OF MIND. KEEP THEM CALM. PLEASE GIVE GRANDMA FREEDOM FROM THE PAINS THAT SHE HAS BEEN HAVING. GOD, PLEASE DON'T TAKE EITHER OF THEM YET...

Question::

How do I always manage to un-willingly hurt people???

And how come it always has to be the ones I'm closest to???

All to Jesus...I Surrender...

All to Jesus I Surrender

All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

(Chorus)

I surrender all,
I surrender all.
All to Thee, my blessed Saviour,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow.
Worldly pleasures all forsaken,
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Lord, I give myself to Thee.
Fill me with Thy love and power,
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation,
Glory, glory to His name.

GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO SURRENDER EVERY BIT OF MY LIFE TO YOU. YOU KNOW THAT I STRUGGLE WITH IT...HELP ME TO GIVE IT ALL TO YOU.

AMAZING GRACE

This song always gets me...it just speaks of God's amazing grace! And I can tell you from personal experience, that God's grace truly is amazing, peace-giving, and one of the best remedies for any guilt or wrong-doings in life.

AMAZING GRACE, HOW SWEET THE SOUND
THAT SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME
I ONCE WAS LOST, BUT NOW AM FOUND
WAS BLIND, BUT NOW, I SEE

And this third verse (from the song) really gets me too...it always seems to speak my life. I love it!! And more grace...

THROUGH MANY DANGERS, TOILS, AND SNARES
I HAVE ALREADY COME
HIS GRACE HAS BROUGHT ME SAFE THUS FAR
AND GRACE WILL LEAD ME HOME

How very true...think about it.

Knots of Confusion, Fear, & Tension

AHHHH!!! Why does life have to be so confusing??? It's all so complicated...sometimes I just hate it and want to give it all up. But there really are things (well, mostly people I guess...) that make this life all worthwhile. But sometimes those people can be so confusing!! Or is it just me? Maybe it's just my feelings...especially considering boys. Boys...in ways you just can't stand them...but I know that I would die without them. I was thinking about it last night, and really, I don't know what I would do without my guys. I mean, sure, I've got my girls, and they're great...some of the best girls I could ask for. They're always there. But guys are less judgemental...or at least they don't voice their judgements as easily or often. But really, guys are always always there. They pick up on emotions as well as any girl, they just don't always know what to do with them! But they're always there with a smile, trying to cheer you up...or an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. And they give the best hugs...
I am me. I know my feelings. Sure, it takes me a while to figure them out...but everything I feel is genuine. I can always promise that. (plus, I never break a promise!!!)
But why do I always seem to figure things out too late?? People always tell me not to rush decisions...especially when they're important ones that involve feelings...other people's and my own.
But now what happens??? It seems that I've made a decision too late...and it is my fault. I don't blame them for not waiting for this decision of mine.
The grass is always greener on the other side...
You want what you can't have...
But I can have this!! I know I can!! Or at least, I used to be able to...
Is there still a chance? I wonder...can the pain of a year be washed away with enough TLC (tender loving care)???? And can joy and love come out of this mess of possible pain???
There's a lot of thinking to be done here...
But not by me. I know what I feel...and for once, I will openly stand by what I know to be true, and will not let other people change my feelings.
I just hope that telling people was the right decision...
Maybe I should have kept it a secret...
But I can't look back now!! That won't help. So I'll sit here...
and wait.
Even though I am in a knot of confusion, fear, and tension.
Let these three things be lifted ASAP...
You know what you need to do--
...think...
...decide...
...know...
...and let the other people know the final decision...
Pain is a way of life. Am I prepared for possible pain?

With arms wide open
under the sunlight
welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
with arms wide open
now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
with arms wide open

Lyrics from 'With Arms Wide Open' by Creed

The Retreat

So I just got back from this youth retreat with my church. We went up to Redberry Bible Camp Friday night, and came back late this afternoon. And let me tell you, it was a total blast! It was cold, but it was worth it! I haven't had that much fun in a couple weeks. It was so refreshing to be around people who all cared about you and what was going on in your life. We were tight, all 20-some of us. It felt so good to be somewhere where everyone was looking out for you. It was an amazing time to be worshipping God and just having a party doing it. And, of course, games in the snow...the girls kicked the boys' butts!!! Full contact duck duck goose, murder ball, giant settlers of catan, movie making, watching movies, laughing and singing...I wish I could go back and do the whole weekend over and over. I have not had that good of a time for a while.
And the thing is, I actually am feeling somewhat better about all the stuff that's going on in my life right now. I know that just because I had an amazing weekend not all the crap is gone...but at the moment, it feels a bit better. And on top of that, I know that it will get better. Everything always gets better. And when you have God driving your car of life, and an awesome support system driving in the lanes beside you, you know that life can't get any better, even though you still have problems. Because it doesn't matter anymore. Because God and your friends are there, and they won't ever leave you. God has promised that, and I know that my friends won't leave me. I trust them.

THANK YOU GOD FOR ALL THAT YOU HAVE SHOWN ME THIS PAST WEEKEND. PLEASE DON'T LET ME FORGET ANY OF IT. HELP ME FIX MY HEART, IT IS YOUR THRONE. LET ME BE YOUR LIGHT IN THIS DARK WORLD. USE ME. I AM YOUR SERVANT, AND MY MOUTH IS YOURS. YOU CONTINUE TO AMAZE ME IN EVERYTHING I SEE IN NATURE AND IN OTHER PEOPLE. LET OTHER PEOPLE SEE ME AS A CHRISTIAN ROLE MODEL. BECAUSE I AM YOUR CHILD. HOLD ME CLOSE, AND NEVER LET ME STRAY. FATHER, I LOVE YOU!