Still Alive

ok it's been a little while...but i'm still here. i'm still breathing, my heart is still beating. some days it feels like my heart can't take much more, but just when i think it will break in a zillion pieces somebody comes along and puts the pieces back together. and, slowly but surely, the pieces are starting to stay together...
i joined the track team. sprints and relays. i don't know if i'll be able to do any mini-meets, as they are on thursdays...so it will depend on what time exactly they run at the specific meets. but i don't have to go to meets if i don't want to. which is nice. i can just run. fun.
who's to say what's impossible...is this how it's supposed to be
-"upside down" by jack johnson

Third Post Today!

I believe- that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

At My Grandparents House

currently i am at my grandparents house...on their computer...how strange is that!?
we came for easter dinner. it was yummy! there was salad and veggies and turkey and dressing and potatoes and gravy and buns and this swiss bean casserole stuff and meatballs (random yes, but they were yummy!) and strawberries and carrots and turnips (yuck!) and then for dessert there were raisin tarts and saskatoon berry tarts, with whipped cream...the saskatoon berry ones were awesome. so i gotta say that i am officially stuffed...and i even ate small portions of everything! literally. i had a tiny scoop of almost everything. and now i'm extremely full. and tomorrow i get to do it all over again...joy...well kinda yes because i know it will be so yummy...but i get so full. but my strategy of just having a little bit of everythings seems to be working. this way i eat food, and i get to taste everything which is satisfying...the whole next part would be and i'm not bursting full...which i'm not...but i'm still very very full. not always fun. it makes me feel sort of sick sometimes. yeah sometimes food makes me feel sick which really is dumb because then i don't want to eat because it makes me feel sick but then i need to eat so that people see me eating and they don't think i'm anorexic...but yeah. why do i need to eat for other people?? i shouldn't have to. but often i feel like i do.
i really should go be social, but my cousins are all watching tv, which i can't do, and the adults aren't talking about anything interesting downstairs...and plus they have the tv on so i have to turn my back which is a bit awkward i guess. and boring. i would rather sit here and blog. even though my parents would probably be mad if they knew i was on my grandparents computer...but hey what else am i going to do!?
today keith came over and we made erin a bunny cake...ok well keith did most of it haha but i helped! i did...but he did do most of it. it was his idea, and i didn't wanna do some of it; i was scared i would mess it up. i was there for moral support haha. and then we gave her the cake and she was so happy it was awesome.
the only bad part of my day really has been the fact that while keith was over my sister was being extremely annoying in the fact that she was teasing keith and i. as in "katelynn and keith...oooh la la...hit her butt keith...can you feel the love tonight" etc. and watching us...like spying. it was very uncalled for. it's not like they've never met keith before! maybe it's because my cousins were over and they were fascinated by the fact that i had a boy over. and my parents weren't home. and then they decided to make us iced tea...and give us one glass with two straws...to make it romantic. pfft like we haven't shared a drink before honestly. it got pretty annoying after a while though. sometimes i can take the teasing...and at first it didn't really bother me, i'm kinda used to it. and i figured that if i didn't show a reaction, then they would stop. but one of my sisters didn't...and i got really mad...at one point i was like stop now or i will dump the iced tea on your head. that shut her up for a couple minutes, but then she was back at it again...so i cornered her on the couch and talked very quietly and (hopefully) intimidatingly. i didn't want to scare her too badly, but enough was enough. and i wanted it to stop NOW. i can only take so much of the teasing! especially when some of it is just plain uncalled for. so my mom gets to hear about it tonight, which i told my sister was going to happen. not to scare her much, but i can't enforce much change in her behaviour, but my mother can. and the things that happend today were really uncalled for. no need for me to be even more embarrassed by my own family. that's two days in a row now, by the same sister. it just can't get any worse. although tonight my family started talking about what it would be like when i brought a boyfriend to the family gatherings...and i said it couldn't be worse than what my sister did. then my mom gave me a look and i said we'd talk later tonight...so there's that.
so anyways i think i should go be social now...and maybe eat another chocolate egg.

Erin Michelle Baldwin

to my deartest enji, on her sweet sixteen...

E is for empathetic
R is for raquetball
I is for intelligent
N is for never-ending-ball-of-energy

darlin you are such a sweetie. you have a heart of gold and you're always doing things that will make other people happy. you're always looking out for everybody else. you're so compassionate...when you see someone else crying, you cry along with because your heart hurts for them. i admire you so much for these things, and many others.
such as the fact that you work on your relationship with God, and are making such an effort to be obedient to him in every way, shape, and form. you amaze me with your insight on human life, and the way the you perceive things.
thank you for loving me for who i am, and for accepting my crazyness...and for being crazy along with me.
thanks for all the good times, and for the ones that i'm sure are to come.
i love you!

Don't They Know?

there's this girl that i know...she's a year younger than me, but was in my class when i was in grade four. it was a split class, so she was grade three. now she goes to my high school.
and last night i saw her outside our old elementary school, smoking.
some days i just wonder, what brings people to do that? don't they know or care how bad it is for them?
i just don't understand.

Growling Stomach

i'm hungry...so hungry...and there's still half an hour until lunch...

well this morning we had a presentation thinger...by a group called absolute. they are all about people being good or something...i don't really know...people told stories about their lives and how they rose above drugs and alcohol, or death, or abuse and stuff like that. and we heard all these stats, and learned about child poverty, and watched some hillbilly stuff (haha good times) and listened to stereotrap...they were pretty cool i guess.

anyways that's been my day so far and i don't really have anything else to say, i just wanted to update. only one and a half more days of school...this afternoon and tomorrow. thank goodness tomorrow is a short day...i'm ready for a break. and i'm excited! hopefully lots of stuff will happen. although i still can't watch tv or movies...i miss my movies!

this is pointless. oh well, it goes along with the name of my blog.

Jealousy

i hate feeling jealous, because i know that it is wrong. i know that i am not supposed to feel that way. and often when i do feel that way, my feelings aren't really justified; they don't have a good reason of being there.

i have a problem with jealousy...and i've known it for a while. and tonight it just kinda struck me--as i became jealous, once again. and all of the sudden it was like, why am i feeling this way? i don't need to.

so i'm working on not being jealous anymore. yes it's been about an hour since i decided that...but it's something that i really need to work on. a big downfall of me as a person is jealousy, it is definately a problem area in my life. and it needs to disappear! so that's why i'm working on. so i looked up what the BIBLE had to say about being jealous, and here's what i found...

Surely resentment destroys the fool, and jealousy kills the simple.

Job 5:2

For I can see that you are full of bitter jealousy and are held captive by sin.

Acts 8:23

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Galations 5:19-21

For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

James 3:15-16

so pray for me as i work hard to not be jealous...it won't be an easy task. and i know that! but i'm willing to work for it.