Long Weekend Blahs

ok. it's monday of the long weekend. i should be all peppy and excited about seeing my friends, laughing over memories of a great weekend, worried about school pictures and volleyball tryouts, and rested up from sleeping in for three days.

but i'm not.

sure, i'm excited to see my friends. but disappointed that i didn't get to spend time with them on the weekend. not laughing over great memories, because i didn't make any super important ones. sure, i had a great time hanging with my family, walking the beach with a super close cousin. i'm not even worried about school pictures or volleyball...now i know something's wrong. and i just haven't been sleeping well.

ok. so looking back on what i just wrote, maybe the weekend wasn't a complete waste of time. but i can't help looking back on it without sadness. you see, while we were at my cabin, my great aunt called, to tell us that my grandfather's only brother had passed away. it was really sad and hard, because my grandpa and grandma were really close to him. and they had just been out to see him a few days ago. they were overcome with memories and sadness...and it was so very hard to see them that way. i had never seen them like that before.

so the funeral is tomorrow. and my parents are going. my sister's and i are staying here, relying on friends to drive us around to the places we need to get to.

but it's kinda hard. the phone call came...and i answered the phone. i didn't know who it was, i didn't recognize my great-aunt's voice (because i don't know her very well). she asked for my grandpa or grandma...and i gave the phone to my grandma and she went to another room to talk. and we had just been joking around a few minutes ago...and after i handed off the phone, i looked at my grandpa. and he goes "it's lucille. i could here her voice". and i was thinking "no, it can't be. not now, not yet". but somehow, he knew. he was mentally preparing himself...because a few minutes later, my grandma comes back and says "ed passed away about an hour ago".

it was hard just to see everyone's faces crumple. and i felt bad, because i couldn't really relate. i mean, i felt really sorry, and almost started crying...but i don't really know uncle ed. i don't have a visual picture of him. and i felt bad for that.

i guess i'm just overall feeling kinda down in the dumps right now. i feel the grief and pain of my family, and i don't know what to do with it. this is the closest that death has ever hit me...and it really makes me wonder what would happen if something happened to someone closer to me...