Thursday, October 11, 2007

Two Kinds of Rain Today

i don't like it. i feel almost completely alone. i feel neglected by a lot of people. i'm lonely. i'm hurting, because i feel shut out. i feel like no one wants to spend time with me.

i don't want to be in my house. i feel like i can't be myself in my house. i sleep in my house every night, i store my clothes there. my toothbrush is there, marking my place. it is a shelter from the cold outside. i see my bible beside my bed, i see the marks that i have left in my favorite rooms of the house. i see things i have left laying around. my house is not my security. yes, i am sheltered from elements and i feel safe from fires and thieves. but i am not secure in my house. i feel like i can't show my true self to my family. granted, i don't always know who she is...
i feel not allowed to feel.
i can't be mad in my house. i can't be upset in my house. i thought home was a place where you were supposed to feel totally comfortable, at ease, loved, able to be yourself...if that is true, then my house is not my home.

so where can i feel? where i can i take these thoughts, these feelings?

no where that i have found yet. and so they sit in my head, and they go round and round on the merry-go-rounnd that is my brain.

they bottle themselves into the bottles that i have hid away. hid away for a rainy day.

it rained today.


Derek said...

i kinda know what you mean. its almost like we're too used to our houses.

gracie said...

man don't feel left out. you know that we love you k?? if u need to talk you know that steph and i are here for u always, ur our sister!