Monday, October 30, 2006

This Is Me


i feel so torn and confused, it's like there's this inner conflict and battle within me. and for once when i say that, i don't mean spiritually. i just don't know what i feel, i don't know how to define my emotions and the feelings going through me head. i don't know what they are, if i have a valid reason for feeling them...and they keep changing! it's truly an emotional rollercoaster. and it bugs me! because it seems that just when i get one feeling figured out, a new one comes along. it's all so confusing.

...

i feel so miserable. and it's because of this whole keith thing!! and i'm probably making a really big deal out of this; too big a deal of this. but too bad, this is my blog, my inner self, so i can say whatever i want! because this is me.

i feel miserable when i haven't talked to keith for a while. like, it's so bad. i get miserable when i haven't talked to him for a day. it sounds like i'm obsessed...which really i'm not. i just miss him, that's all. i just miss being able to talk to him every day. i just enjoy spending time with him, or talking to him that much. and that scares me, that i like being with him that much. because that's never happened to me before.

but i feel miserable when i'm with him, too, because there are things that are just awkward; and it's not even just the fact that nothing really physical can happen, because that's not such a big deal. but it's just the fact that we're so close...but yet not. so i guess it is physical...not really a physical longing or anything like that. just...i don't know. the fact that i feel like everyone's watching me...and judging me.

hey pumpkin.

that kind of thing.
i don't really know how to explain it. but that's how it is.

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so one thing that i've figured out lately is that when things are constantly on my mind, i'm afraid. that there is something about it that scares me. and this situation with keith is on my mind a lot. and i just keep going over it and going over it...and i figured out why it scares me. and it takes so much to admit this...
but this is my blog. my inner thoughts. i can say anything i want...because it's just for me.
...i'm afraid that keith will stop liking me. and that we won't get a chance to actually go out. and everyone's saying "if it's meant to be it will happen" and all that. and i know that. and i believe that. but it's still hard to work with sometimes.
but i trust keith.
i know that he'll tell me if he doesn't like me anymore. i just have to keep trusting the fact that he'll be honest with me. and i need to give this up to GOD...because as much as i want this to happen (in like 226 days or something like that)...it scares me so bad. and i don't need that hanging over my head for the next 7 months.

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so more about my food issue...
it's really hard because the media and stuff tells you that you hafta be a certain size, you have to look a certain way. and i try not to listen to that. and i think i do a pretty good job of it. but it's harder to ignore the fact that everyday, everywhere, almost everyone around me is skinny or thin or worried about their weight and how many calories this is and how many grams of fat and whatnot.

it's retarded!!

and even the people around me...like they say they don't care how fat/skinny i am. and i know they love me for who i am on the inside. but my physical appearance does have some affect on the people around me, whether they realize it or not. and i hate it when people talk about calories around me...well not the general topic, i'm alrite with that now. but when they turn to me and go "why are you eating that it's gonna make you fat" and it's like i know just let me eat and leave me alone!!! or when they say "you look like you've gained weight"....it hurts so much.

and it's partially my fault, cuz i haven't let them in, they don't know how extensive this problem is for me. but i don't even know how bad this is a problem for me, i don't know how much of a hold this thing has on me...i really don't know. and that scares me. one more thing to give up to GOD...

i thought i was over this.
how come i can't let it go?

...

so there you have it. my spilling of my life. the things that scare me right now. but hey...it was just for me. i can say whatever i want here. my inner thoughts.
what can i say?

this is me.

2 comments:

.into.the.rush. said...

that's awful that people would say things to you like that about your weight...cuz you're so beautiful how you are!!! you don't need to listen to any of those influences because you are who you are and i think you know who that person is!!! this is a total side note here...but you should really change this blog name to like "useful and random stuff" or something...cuz i was just thinking...it's not pointless! anyway, i <3heart u!!

Bobby and Joessyy said...

hey babe.. well i wud just liek to say.. you know how you is feeeeling about keith?! and not being able to talk to him all the time and missing him when you cant talk to him... i kno how you feeel and your not obsessed because thats how i am w/ matthew.. and well i guess that if we are the same.. then hopefully either we is both obsessed togehter err just not obsessed and just normal.. i donno words for the trash.. ahah ill ttyl babe <3