pointless and random stuff: Changed My Mind

ok i know i have done this lots in the past and it annoys the crap outta people. but i changed my mind. i'm not playing club volleyball. i've been thinking about it a lot this past week...it's been on my mind more than anyone knows. but it's been there, quietly sitting and making me think about it. and i gave it a lot of thought, and thought about the committment that it meant making...and i didn't want to make that committment. it involves a practice every week and who knows how many tournaments. and it doesn't seem like a lot...but it is. those tournaments take up a whole weekend. and there was a good chance that practice would be during worship practice...and i would rather do worship band than volleyball. seems crazy, doesn't it? but worship was my first committment, and my first priority. in fact, youth group is a big priority for me right now. i throw a lot into that group of people...and i wouldn't change it for anything. i also didn't want to play because i have a busy semester next sem...my hardest classes, science and math 20. and the second semester of history. even though basketball is ending and i would technically have more time...i didn't want to do it. i didn't want to commit to another team where i would be attending practices when i didn't want to be there, when i couldn't spend time with the most important people in my life--my friends--because i had volleyball.

my dad and i had a spat about it...he's really disappointed, and even as i write this is trying to convince me to go. my mom just said it was my choice. my dad got mad at me for copping out, for quitting. "you were having such a good time last week, and now you just quit? you were fine this semester, you'll be fine next! if you don't go, you won't be spending time with your friends anyways!" that's what he said. but i didn't enjoy myself last week. i really didn't. i just kept wondering what time it was, and how soon it would be over...

you know, sometimes i feel pressured to play volleyball (and even basketball) because it's what my family has played.

and i talked to my mom about it...actually my dad called her and then she had a chat with me over the phone...and for like the first time in my life i actually cried in front of my parents...well ok it was over the phone to my mom, but still! and she was like why don't you want to play, and i just kept saying "i just don't want to play, i don't want to play". and you know sometimes i think i just play volleyball because everybody wants me to. i only tried out for junior volleyball because my mom wanted me to. granted, i had a great time and loved it, but what if i don't love it? i'm tired of doing things for other people, i want to do things for me. doesn't mean i'll never play volleyball again, because i really do love volleyball...i just want to play for me. not for anyone else. just for me.

after i got off the phone from my mom, i actually had a big, sobbing cry with myself in my closet...and it felt really good. i haven't had a sobbing cry in so long...usually my crying is just like being really sad and having tears running down my cheeks. but this was a uncontrollable sob...so much that i thought my dad might hear me, so i had a shower and cried in the shower...that always helps.

anyways that's my story.