Tired

well, last night erika and i stayed up till 3am. everybody else went to bed at 11pm...but we stayed up. and hung out on the computer, just talking and doing stuff. then we played settlers, with seafarers and cities and knights. we were supposed to get to 12 points to win...but we weren't counting, and when we counted, erika was at 17 points!! let's just say that i wasn't doing that great. then we played zoo tycoon, and then watched part of sinbad. but we were too tired to finish it, so we just went to bed. but i really need to stop making myself so tired. because when i'm tired, then my emotions are more up and down then normal...well ok maybe not so. sometimes. but i just find that when i'm tired i get more "depressed"...or live in the past. and the past hurts. and i'm not supposed to be living in the past. i'm supposed to be in the now. so i'm going to go be in the now, right now.

Busy in Provincial Capital/CRAZY SETTLERS GIRL

ok yeah it's a cheesy title but i had to think of something better than "here i am in regina...". so excuse the cheesiness of my blog.
i know it's only been a day since my last post, but what a day it has been! i have been so busy out here. they're really keeping us going. tons of settlers...it's been great! we played cities and knights version...and exciting news!! erika bought seafarers of catan!! today was the first day any of us had ever played that version. and guess what--we loved it! ha no surprise there. we're going to try and put both expansions together...it'll be a lot to think about, but super fun! i'm excited...wow you can tell that i'm a nerd. i love settlers. ok well maybe it's not that nerdy...i do know some people who play. not many...it's one of those games you either love or hate. or you just don't understand. how true! but once you get going...man you're hooked! i could go on and on about settlers...but that might be a little crazy. maybe i should change the name of my blog from "pointless and random stuff" to "CRAZY SETTLERS GIRL!" haha.
ooh. guess what. tomorrow, i am doing something i have never ever done before. i am going to VALUE VILLAGE! isn't that just like THE coolest thing you have ever heard? haha. if i buy anything...i'm not going to tell my mother where i bought the stuff. because i don't know if my mother would "approve"...you know, her never taking me there before and everything. but oh well. i think it will be "an experience".

"So many people need you in so many ways, and no one can take your place. No one else can play your role. No one else knows your lines. You are uniquely created to fit in the special you-shaped space GOD formed in His world. Never wonder if you are needed. The fact that you're here proves it!"
--from Hugs for Women

The Queen's City

so here i am in regina. and it's pretty exciting. but maybe i should start with the bus ride.
ok. bus ride. uneventful. that's all i have to say.
so after the fairly boring bus ride, we got here. no duh. and basically watched canadian idol, had ice cream, and played some settlers; cities and knights version. and i am proud to say that i was the queen of catan for the night!
and then this morning, after a wonderful pancake breakfast, erika and i made mint brownies...which i will be taste testing in a little while! sorry, got a bit side tracked there. auntie dawna, derek, erika and i played settlers; cities and knights version. i could have won on my turn, which made me kinda mad! but erika ended up winning. she was queen of catan...
anyways, we also went swimming this afternoon, and played some water volleyball, which was fun until we got cold. so then we went to this free museum (been there before) but it's pretty neat...although it is the source of my childhood nightmares!! because you see, they have this one room with this t-rex, and you can press and button and it roars and moves and stuff. and now that i'm older, it's not so scary. but when i was younger, i was terrified!! it literally gave me nightmares.
then erika and i played settlers; cities and knights again. and i would just like to say that i was once again crowned the queen of catan! but that could all change tonight...with another game of settlers! man, i gotta find some friends near home that play settlers...i usually only play with my family. and it's such a great game! it is tied for my favorite game...my other favorite is full contact dutch blitz!!
anyways, this week is looking very promising. even though i am only here until friday, it's going to be great. and then the youth retreat on the weekend...it's a great way to end the summer. i am ready to go back to school...i miss my friends. and i'm excited to see what centennial will be like. but that can wait a week.

The End of Summer (almost)

well summer is almost over...only a week and a half left. can you believe it? at the beginning of the summer, i thought i was going to be so bored all summer. i thought i would be sitting around doing nothing, going to my cabin and getting sick of the beach. the only thing i had to look forward to was camp. i couldn't even look forward to hanging with my friends, because i thought no one would be around.
but somehow i got really busy. i had friends out to my cabin the long weekend of july. then i was able to hang out with friends for about a week, somehow we were all in town at the same time. and then i was invited to go help cook at camp kadesh, which took up a week. and the next week i was a camper at the quest. my dad had two weeks of holidays, and we spent them at my cabin at diefenbaker lake, so that was another two weeks. by this time i had only been home for about 48 hours in a month! i got used to carrying all my clothes in a bag. everyone always wondered why i packed so many clothes in such a big bag, but it was because i never knew where i would be going next. you never know when you might be whisked away to somewhere!
so now i am back in saskatoon, trying to update my life. being gone for a month really puts you behind. especially with this blog...but i'm trying to keep up now. i'm only back for this week...well, now only a day and a half. tomorrow i leave for swift current, for a weekend full of farming, driving, cats, and good food! i'm excited, i have friends down there, and they have a birthday present for me. yay! then on monday evening, erika and i will be off to regina! to spend a whole week with uncle perry, auntie dawna, derek and shawn. i'm excited...my aunt loves starbucks, and i'm hoping to convince her to buy me a coffee!!
then on friday i will somehow get to the youth retreat...and spend the weekend on the beach! my last weekend at the lake...and i really haven't spent all that much time there this year. it will be good to go back. and then school starts...and kent and stephan come back! finally...i've missed them so much. everyone will finally be back...and maybe i will actually be allowed to talk to leon.


as relaxing as my summer has been, there was one little detail that kept me thinking. you see, my parents weren't too thrilled at the idea of me having a boyfriend. they wanted me to wait until i was 16. so after some very careful thought and prayer, i finally broke up with keith. not exactly that i wanted to...i didn't. but i did know that it was the right thing to do. i couldn't have had a person in such an important slot of my life, and know that my parents didn't approve. that just wasn't right. i needed to obey them. GOD has been teaching me stuff this summer, and i have just been so into it. reading my bible is just amazing...i find something new everytime i open the pages. thank goodness that i am highlighting and making notes along the way! well not so much notes...mostly highlighting. there is so much yellow in my bible. thank goodness the highlighter doesn't go through the pages!

crazy thought train

i am really worried about some stuff right now. mainly this whole parent/boyfriend issue. my parents still haven't really talked to me about it...they haven't given me a punishment or anything really. my mom has talked to me a little bit about it, but my dad hasn't even mentioned it to me. i know that he knows, because my mother told him. but he hasn't brought it up or anything, which is really wierd. i thought he would want to talk to me about it. and it doesn't help that my mom wants me to break up with keith. yeah, she actually told me that. but i haven't told keith that yet. i told him that my parents know, and that they weren't too happy. but i didn't tell him that she wanted me to break up with him. i wanted to tell him that in person. but it's kinda looking like she won't let me see him, even to talk about this. so i guess i will have to tell him over the phone...which i really don't want to do. and it's not like i am going to break up with him. i just think he needs to know. it's not fair of me to keep that information from him. but i would rather do that in person. but mother won't let me see him. i guess i will have to work on her for that. i just really need to talk to him about it. and over the phone is so...well not really impersonal, because at least you can hear their voice and everything. but it's so awkward on the phone. it would just be better in person. that's why i haven't told him sooner. i wanted to tell him in person. and it's not like i really want to tell him...i mean who wants to say "my mother wants me to break up with you?" not me. and i don't even want to break up with him! but here was my conversation with my mother (or something very close to it):

scene: mother invades daughter in walk-in closet late at night

mother: i want you to be able to be a 15-year-old girl. you shouldn't have to worry about boys and relationships. it may seem that boys are the way to go, but not yet. there's time for that. i don't mind if you hang out with boys, or even if you have crushes on them. that's perfectly normal. i would be worried if you didn't. but you don't need to be kissing and holding hands yet. you are only 15. enjoy being a 15-year-old girl with no pressures of dating.

daughter(aka me): (thinking) well what if enjoying being a 15-year-old girl is doing what i am doing? i am having fun and enjoying who i am and who i am with. right mom. mmhmm. i understand what you are saying.

mother: you understand, but are you really listening? or are you just tuning me out?

daughter: no mom, i am actually hearing you. i understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. that doesn't mean that i agree with what you are saying, but i do hear you.

mother: i guess that's all i can ask for.

...later...

daughter: hey before when we were talking, did you just tell me to break up with him?

mother: yes, i did.

...later...

daughter: hey mom i don't mean to be disrespectful or anything here, but i want you to know that i can't just decide to break up with him because you said so. it's going to take a lot of thinking (and a major change in the situation and how i feel; i am thinking) for me to come to that decision. i want you to know that it's not something that is going to happen right away.

mother: all right. i just hope that you abide by the rules your father and i have set for you and wait until you're 16.

daughter: are you going to forbid me to see him?

mother: good night...

the end!

so there you have it. the pretty close to actual version of the conversation between my mother and me. exciting as always, hmm?? but i am thinking...it would be so hard to do. like i cannot just do that. i can't be like "hey my mom wants me to break up with you so i am going to because i am the perfect daughter...my mother has not exactly forbid me (she hasn't talked to me about it exactly so i am macho confuzzled) but has said that she disapproves, and because i want her approval in everything i do i am ending this now...even though i totally don't want to and still like you a lot". yeah. that's exactly what i am going to say. not! i can't do it. even if they forced me...i don't think i could go through with it. i can't do it! there you have it--my confession to the world (ok not really because everyone already knows this) but i can't do it! i don't want to end this! sure, i want to listen to my parents. i am a good kid, what can i say? it's the way i have been brought up. but now that my parents know, i have a lot less guilt. i still kinda feel guilty about the past, but i am trying to put it behind me...or at least lock it up where i don't think about it constantly. i am glad that my parents know. i am glad that it's out in the open. but this has not made me and my parents closer. not at all. if anything, it has made things awkward between my mother and me. not that we were close before, or anything. sometimes she tries...but it's always awkward. i can tell. even when she was talking to me (converstaion above) i could tell that she felt awkward. maybe it's the whole "oldest daughter is growing up" type thing. i don't know. but i do know that we are not close. sometimes i want to be close with her. to be able to go out with my friends and then come home and tell her funny stories that happened that night, and to have her get it. maybe that's the thing--she doesn't seem to get it. what i find funny, she doesn't find funny. it's like we don't have a common interest, or a bond. and i guess that is my fault. i mean, i am her daughter. i know that i share some traits or hobbies or something with her. i know that for a fact. i guess i just never pursued them because i wasn't brought up as mommy's little girl. i was always a daddy's girl. and that's the way i still am. i usually perfer my dad to my mother. and it sounds harsh, i know. it's not like i love one more that the other. i don't know, i guess it just depends on moods. my mother and i don't always get along. but really, who does get along with their mother? and it's not like we fight all the time...half the time we pretty much ignore each other anyways. we're not ice cold towards each other, but it's not like we're best friends. just civil. i don't know, it's the way it's always been. and in some ways i want it to be different...but that would be awkward. and i always say it's awkward for her...maybe it's awkward or me. but i try to keep communication lines open...ahh!!! i don't know! i am tired of talking about this. i am tired of talking about my mother. but i guess the one other reason that i don't want to be close with her right now is because then i will have to tell her about some stuff from the past. stuff that i really don't want to bring up. stuff that only a few of my friends know about...and most don't even probably know that whole story. i don't even know the whole story. i don't want to dig that deep into my box where i keep all those thoughts and memories. i think i would die. it's just too hard.
so those things will stay hidden deep down...way down where no one will venture down to. because no one really wants to hear that stuff.
and really, it's not like it's really that bad. no secret drugs, no sleeping around with guys or anything. but just the way that my image is, the good girl thing...i don't know. i told a couple people a little bit, and everyone is like "wow! i would never expect that from you!" and then they get on my case and just smother me in what they think is some TLC...and sometimes it is. but too much is too much, you know? it's the times when they force me to eat. when they make sure someone is feeding me. yeah, it's touching, and nice to know that i am cared about. but sometimes i feel like it is fake. i know i shouldn't really say that about my friends, because i have some of the best friends in the world and don't know what i would do without them. and some of them i totally trust and have no second thoughs about. although sometimes i do wonder about a few of them...but i still love them. always will. i am just that kind of person.

i have been up since 5:30am. i couldn't sleep. all these thoughts just keep running through my head. so then i read my book "pitch black" by melody carlson...i finished it. it was really good. but it is causing more thoughts to run through my head...don't worry. i'm not gonna do myself in or anything like that. but i am really tired, and feel kinda sick, and all these crazy thoughts keep running through my head, over and over and over, until it feels silly to still be thinking about the same things, and stupid to talk about this to anyone. even though there are people out there close to me who know exactly how i feel (sometimes before i even say it!), i still feel kind of dumb talking about it. i was reading an earlier post (like from a few months ago) and it said something like "how come other girls can go on and on about their crushes and i can't because everyone just seems to tune me out?" and i'm sorta changing that...because sometimes i feel like other people can talk and talk about the same issues i am going through, but when i try to talk about them i just feel ignored. but usually i get something out of the other person who is going through the same thing so i just pay extra attention to how they are doing and the advice they are getting! sounds kinda mean i guess...but not really. i know i have friends and people i can go to with everything, but sometimes it is just easier to keep to myself...to keep everything bottled up inside.

Confuzzled

i am so confused! because my mother wants me to break up with keith...but i don't want to!! i don't know...i am so confused. i just don't know what to do...and i am in regina, so i can't talk to anyone...and keith was at camp, so i couldn't talk to him before i left...i just don't know what to do! it's all so confuzzling.

random writings...

june 20, 2006...

sometimes i just feel like becoming totally hard towards them [my parents]...but i don't want to lose the closeness i have with my friends that i know i will lose if i become hard. i am an emotional person, and i like it that way. maybe i can just learn to block out my parents and not the rest of the world. to just bottle it all up inside...but to be free enough to escape the prison that i will surely be putting myself in as long as i don't lock the door i can get out, right? more fire to play with...one of these times i am going to get burned. look out for the day!

july 4, 2006...

i almost told her today. almost. ...in some ways i wish that i could tell her and daddy. i wish i didn't have to go behind their backs. in some ways, i wish that i had their permission and support. but at the same time, i am glad with how it is going. i have no regrets as to how i answered that question. the past 2 1/2 weeks have been so much fun--something of a kind of joy that i haven't had for so long. ...this [relationship] is what makes me happy, this is what makes me smile. ...but the fact that we are friends, and such close friends at that. i trust him--i trust him a lot. and he makes me laugh and smile; i like that. it is so rare that i find a guy who will make me laugh, who will hold me when i cry, will listen to me scream when i am frustrated. i don't know where i stop telling him how i am feeling and he starts [figuring it out for himself]. ...but we are getting to know each other more and more, growing closer all the time. and as we learn about the other person, as we dig deeper to know them, we open up to each other. and as we bare our souls a little more, as we show our hearts a little clearer, we not only learn [about] each other, we learn to know ourselves. and it makes us a little better, a little stronger. and maybe, just maybe, with enough courage, love, and support, we will learn to like--dare i say love?--ourselves.

july 6, 2006...

i need to tell my parents. i know that. but i am scared to do it. i'm not really scared of being punished, exactly. i know i deserve it. but i am scared that they will forbid me from seeing keith, or worse, try to break us up. and i really don't want that, because i really do like him. and i would feel so bad if i had to say "i'm not allowed to see you until i'm 16" because i don't want to force him to wait for me. that would be so hard. bottom line--i don't want to hurt him.
that is, perhaps, my greates fear. hurting people. people say to me, "well if you wuldn't have said yes in the first place, this mess wouldn't have started and you wouldn't hurt him". but i still would have hurt him. because i liked him, and he knew it. i couldn't just say no. i liked him. i still do.
i feel so bad and guilty and horrible, because i feel like i forced grace into this mess. and i supposed, that in a way, i did. i pushed for it. i wanted to see them together. and i felt so...naughty, to have grace tell her parents that one of the reasons she did this was because i was. i feel like her parents will look at me and say "there's katelynn, that horrible girl who has a bad influence on our gracie". and i don't want that. i like her parents. i want them to like me. but now i feel like such a bad person...and i wouldn't be surprised if grace pretty much hates my guts. i mean, yeah, she knows that it was [mostly] her fault...but friends do have a lot of influence. i should know.
i just feel like a horrible person, lying to my parents and getting grace into this mess. and i'm scared for leon. the poor guy likes grace so much.

[later] july 6, 2006...

well, i told her. ar eyou happy now, world? i told her. i told her about grace and leon, and i told her about keith and i. and it wasn't actually that bad, or that hard. she the "i'm dissapointed but still love you" speech. but when she said that she wondered what the owen's thought of her, for raising a daughter who would have a bad influence on their daughter...just the way she said it was like saying "sure, you shamed yourself, katelynn; but worse, you have shamed this family, and most importantly, me." i can handle their disappointment, because i've "disapointed" them so much. but to say that i shamed her, that i jeopardized her relationship with mrs. owen because of a mistake...that hurt. to hear that she felt ashamed of me...that's worse. that just makes me feel like i'm worthless.