(here's a thing that i wrote at school today...)
well, another wonderful day at school. HA! NOT!
i mean, shcools all right, but it's not THAT great. sure, it's something to do. time consuming.
i think it's just the people.
now im a social person, and i say that i got to schoolf or the people. which is generally true. but, well, lately ive felt really out of it. in but out. heard but not listened to. noticed but not seen.
it's taken me a long time to figure out that im invisible. and it hurts. im not sure if it's my fault or just the way it is. or maybe im just making something up that isn't even there.
i don't feel invisible at youth. and maybe that's why im so hyper and talkative tehre--because im finally being seen, finally being heard, finally receiving attention.
wow that sounds bad. i sound like i just want attention. but everybody needs some amount of attention--i must not be meeting my given quota. and it's not like i cut myself or anything like that for attention. i can live without attention. im almost positive of that.
but im a social person. i can't live without people, without my firneds.
sometimes i wonder if they actually are my frieds. most of the time i don't let myself doubt their friendship to me, but sometimes i have to wonder. would they leave me if something better came along? what can i do to make them like me, to fit in our little group like everyone else?
whoa how shallow of me is it to think about fitting in? about being like everyone else?
but really i don't want to be just like everyone. i want to be unique, a girl loving GOD, a girl loving her friends, and a girl whose friends love her back.
just for who she is.
that's something i wrote today at school, and i really don't know why. most of the time my friends aren't that bad...they're good people. i don't know...i think maybe im just making this all up. oh well, tomorrow is another day...a new start.
and if anyone out there cares...pray for me. even though i feel so close to GOD right now...i fear that this may be a time when i am desperately challenged.