Thursday, May 03, 2007

Bravely Going Where I Have Never Gone Before

ok i know some of you have been worried about me the last couple days. and i admit, from my blog posts, i sounded a bit depressed...
i wasn't really depressed. i just had stuff going through my head that i really needed to figure out.
so what was i figuring out?

well i learned that i have a very strange way of trust in life. it's like this:
my heart, guarded by a giant wall. a little bit of space. surrounded by another wall. and then a bunch of open space with invisible lines drawn in it. and depending on how close i am with specific people is where they go in my trusting-ness.
and i figured out that someone had snuck past all my defenses and got pretty close to my heart before i figured it out.
and it's a guy. and he got closer than i've ever let any guy get before. which is kinda scary. i've learned from experience to guard my heart, because if i don't, i will get hurt. and i don't want to get hurt.
so i was thinking about it for a few days. and i wanted to get to the bottom of this fear--i had such a fear of letting him stay in that zone of trust. so i thought about it, long and hard, and i wrote and i kept to myself in my room for a few hours while i wrote.
and i found out that a couple guys in my past had hurt me...because i had opened up part of myself, and they had fled.
and i was scared that he would leave. terrified that he was going to run.
terrified that he would take a piece of my heart and crush it.

i've realized now that he's not going to do that. i trust him. he's shown me that i can trust him...gotta love notes from the middle of the night.
so into the zone of trust he goes. and i hope to goodness that everybody's right about him.
that he won't run.

trusting a guy like this is new. it's scary. i'm terrified.
but i think i'm gonna be ok. i just keep reading the note, it's keeping me sane for the time being.

one small step for most giant leap for katelynn.


Lynette said...

i'd say it definitely is a giant leap. But like i said before, baby steps.

Yes there's a risk of hurt when we open up to love, but as the saying goes "better to love and hurt than never to have loved at all"

.into.the.rush. said...

da da da daaaaaah! it's super katelynn, bravely going where no superhero has gone before! lol. i'm proud of you for being so careful of who you give your trust to...always guard your heart, but at the same time don't be afraid to give it away (to the right people, of course!)