Wednesday, March 28, 2007

My Story

Meaningful ok light of the past couple days, i'm thinking that i need to get this out to y'all. i know that the people reading this are trusted friends, so i'm not worried about it getting spread all over in the wrong way. but if you do have questions about it, please ask me. putting it on this blog is just the easiest way to explain it right now, without having to tell it five different times.

it mostly started in grade 9, last year. it started because i was pressured to look like that, to act like that. everyone around me looked like that, and i wanted to look like that too. i wanted the attention (mainly from guys) that the others got. guys gave the pretty, skinny girls the most attention, and i wanted them to notice me, to talk to me and notice me even when my friends weren't around. to see me for me, not for who i hang out with. and so since i believed that i wasn't pretty and couldn't do anything to change that, i figured i could just be skinny and that would be enough. hence the reason i ate very little. this also caused me to develop a phobia of eating in front of people, which made me not eat much even when i was with people that said they didn't care how fat/skinny i was.
last year was pretty hard for me, because i knew what i was doing and i knew that it was bad for me, but at the same time, i couldn't stop. people noticed that i was skinny and i did get complimented on it. i didn't want the compliments to stop.
i took all my reassurance about myself and my self worth from guys and the way that they saw/perceived me, and the way that they treated me. the more attention they gave me, the better i looked...or so i thought.
thankfully, because i knew how harmful i was/could be to myself, i didn't go too far. i don't know if i was ever completely weight never went terribly significantly down, and there were very few days when i didn't eat anything; generally i would at least eat a bit of lunch and some supper.
a lot of people called me anorexic last year because they never saw me eat. a lot of people tried to force feed me, and this just turned me away from food even more. i learned to eat enough to fool people into thinking that i was eating enough. i knew enough about anorexia and how it affects the people involved to know how to get around it. i've read a lot on the topic, espeically in the last year, and i could tell someone almost exactly how to be anorexic and not have people notice for quite a long time. not really a good thing to know, but i know it. but on the other hand, i also know all the problems with it and all the side effects and such. but that's beside the point.
i have hit a few points in the last year and a bit where i get very upset, and just decide that i really want to be anorexic. where i actually wanted to give up food. and there was even a point where i ate very very little for a few weeks, and maybe at that point i really was anorexic. i don't know. but i do know that it's over now. and i'd like to tell you how that happened.
early in february, i had decided for some reason or another that i actually wanted to be anorexic, and my goal was actually to become anorexic when i came back from maui. i knew i could hide it from people for a long time, and i wanted to see just how well i could pull it off. in a way, i suppose it was like a challenge for me. but at the same time, i knew that it was wrong, and i struggled with it a lot in maui--which caused my maui diet to wreck havoc; some days i ate way too much, some days i probably didn't eat enough. but then when i got back...i changed my mind and decided that it wasn't worth it. i was tired of struggling so much with anorexia/eating disorders, i knew it was wrong to hurt my body like that, and i was sick and tired of eveything that it brought to me and all the pain that it caused me. i had known that this beast had a hold on me for a long time, and i was ready to break the chains, to snap its hold on me. so, on february 20th, i was sitting in my bed and i finally gave it over to God and was like ok God i give up i'm giving this to you. and i thought about what robyn always says, about how God breaks her. and so i told God that he could break me whenever, that i was ready and i wanted it to be over. and i was expecting the breaking to happen in a couple weeks...but what do you know it happened that night. all of the sudden i was sitting up in my bed, crying my eyes out, and i could just feel God talking to me and taking it away. and i just gave it to him and prayed and prayed. and then all of the sudden, i stopped and listened...and i couldn't hear the little voice in my head anymore. there was no annoying little voice saying that i needed to weigh less. in fact, all i could hear was silence. and it was the nicest sound i have ever heard.
i'm convinced that it was God, and the whole experience is recorded in my prayer journal...that was the night i started my prayer journal.
the end!

just wanted to let you know my story. it really is over, i truly believe that. i am finally free from a beast that held a hold on me for over a year. it ran my life...but it doesn't any longer.

and i finally figured out why the song surrender made me cry all the time. because the lyrics are all about surrendering...and i hadn't surrendered everything, when i thought that i had. the song doesn't make me cry anymore. it only makes me think of this night, and everything that has happened in my life that revolved around this eating disorder.

i'm giving you my heart
and all that is within
i lay it all down
for the sake of you my king
i'm gving you my dreams
i'm laying down my rights
i'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life
and i surrender all to you, all to you
and i surrender all to you, all to you
i'm singing you this song
i'm waiting at the cross
and all the world holds dear
i count it all as loss
for the sake of knowing you
the glory of your name
to know the lasting joy
even sharing in your pain
and i surrender all to you, all to you
and i surrender all to you, all to you


steph said...

im proud of you hunn.... youve come through a lot, and made it through<3<3<3

Lynette said...

luv you hunn. Thanks for being so open and honest.

Lynette said...

luv you hunn. Thanks for being so open and honest.